TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Timothy Dalton will return as James Bond in a spin off 007 project provisionally titled Old Bond.

Timothy Dalton came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the new project earlier today.

We watched Logan and we thought this is bloody brilliant. So I phoned Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and I said, ‘Listen you Bloody Bastards, I want to play Bond again. But as an old geezer!’ They said no initially. But then I called them bastards and told them bollocks. And after a while they gave in.

So what will the story consist of?

Of course, being older Bond has other concerns than simply saving the world. He has terrible hemorrhoids and he needs to go to the chemist and get some cream. Then there’s his arthritis and the stair lift is cousin sold him is shit. All the policemen are getting younger and there are too many immigrants for his taste. He spends a lot of time watching old World War Two war films and cheering. However, he is dragged out retirement by his dislike of the Daniel Craig Bond films. It’s very meta.

What?

Yeah. And he decides to take over and do the job properly. So he kidnaps Daniel Craig and beats the shit out of him. In my screenplay this goes on for like pages and pages. He calls him a bloody bastard a lot as well.

And then what happens?

Then he beats him up some more. Actually that’s it until the end. It turns into a bit of a Hostel kind of film.

Old Bond will be released in 2019.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS REVEALS THAT HE’S BEEN PLAYING 007 FOR THREE DECADES

LONDON – Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis today revealed that he’s been playing James Bond 007 for thirty years.

Lincoln, There Will Be Blood and My Left Foot actor, Daniel Day-Lewis today fessed up to another role, secret agent 007, James Bond.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Day-Lewis said:

The producers approached me in the late eighties about playing James Bond. I was reluctant at first. Timothy Dalton seemed to have done everything possible with the character. The idea of going head to head with him freaked me out. But they insisted and so I finally said yes. As you know my preparation is extensive. I read all the novels and studied the character very closely. I try to get to the core of every character and often that comes down to a single word. With Lincoln, it was ‘leadership’. Daniel Plainview it’s ‘greed’.  For James Bond it’s ‘secrecy.’

Secrecy?

Shhhhh. Perhaps, I’ve told you too much.

No please. Go on.

It seemed to me that everyone had missed this vital component of Bond’s story. So I began to play him, secretly. Under the radar. No one suspected a thing.

You didn’t let anyone know.

What kind of secret agent would tell everyone he’s a secret agent? And Bond is supposed to be the best of the best. So that’s what I did. I would introduce myself as Day-Lewis, Daniel Day-Lewis, because I decided that was the cover name that Bond would use.

And now that Daniel Craig is possibly moving on…?

I’ve already made the film.

You have?

It’s called Too Many Cocks. As in Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth. But with the word Cocks instead of Cooks. It’s fantastic. It’s got sex, car chases, gun fights. And this amazing battle inside a Volcano at the end.

When will we see it?

Haven’t you been listening? I can’t release it.

Why not?

It would blow my cover. Wait, you’re not recording this are you?

Too Many Cocks will be released in 2019.

MELISSA MCCARTHY TO STAR IN ROCKETEER SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Melissa McCarthy is to star in the new ‘sequel reboot’ of the Rocketeer, the studio announced today.

Star of Ghostbusters, The Boss and Spy, Melissa McCarthy is now to star in the new version of The Rocketeer. It will be a follow up to the 1991 Disney movie starring Billy Campbell. McCarthy is to play Cliffette Secord, in a twist from the original 1980s comic book. Tentatively titled “The Rocketeers,” the film has been classified as a ‘sequel reboot’ and is set some years after the activities of the first film.

Cliff Secord has vanished while on a mission to fight the Nazis. His sister Cliffette (McCarthy) has taken over the job of Rocketeer to prevent a corrupt scientist from selling the technology to the Soviets.

The film will represent Melissa McCarthy’s move away from comedy into straight drama. She spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the film:

What attracted me tot he script was how political the story is. Although it is obviously set in a different period, the concerns of technology being used to create terrible destruction resonated even today. Of course there have to be some light shades and those will be provided by a new character called Otis, the comedy Kangaroo. He’s a kind of genetic experiment.

Timothy Dalton is to return as Pieter Sinclair, the evil twin brother of Neville Sinclair the role he played in the original movie.

The Rocketeers will be released in 2017.

47 FILMS: 18. FLASH GORDON

In our continuing series of ‘47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at the Dino De Laurentiis produced space opera Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon was the Saturday morning serial of choice. Buster Crabbe would forever be getting into scrapes and with the help with some dubious editing would manage to escape the next day. Everything was hokey but at the same time the special effects weren’t half bad. Certainly stand comparison with CGI circa 1994. 1995. 1996. You get the idea. The movie version has a long history of near misses with some of the most illustrious directors being attached at one time or another to an adaptation of the Alex Raymond comic strip. George Lucas was going to do it before basically doing it as Star Wars. Federico Fellini had bought an option to make it but never got round to it: he appears in the film as the name of Ornella Muti’s pet alien. Nicolas Roeg was hired and then fired and Sergio Leone was even asked to come in, but turned it down.

In the end Mike Hodges – most famous for the grim English noir Get Carter – was hired to film a script by Lorenzo Semple who had cut his teeth on the original Batman TV show. It aims for the same tone of camp comedy with Chaim Topol’s mad scientist Dr. Zarkof kidnapping amiable knucklehead Flash Gordon (Sam Jones) and Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) and flying them to Mars in a rocket ship. Here they encounter Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow’s best role ever) who sentences Flash to death and decides to marry Dale. Flash is saved because agreeable nymphomaniac Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) takes a shine to him. Uniting the birdmen and the woodland folk, led by Timothy Dalton and Brian Blessed respectively, Flash is set to turn the tables on Ming, all to the sound of Britain’s best pub rock band Queen, thumping and camping away in the background.

The film is a glorious mess with no one taking it seriously. There was a porn parody Flesh Gordon (soon to be remade by Matthew Vaughn), but the risque humor on display here and the unbelievably sexy Ornella Muti really means it was surplus to requirement. Following Aura’s capture and whipping, Peter Wyngarde as Klytus purrs ‘She seemed to enjoy it!’

The special effects are cheesy and the dialogue so tongue in cheek that Sam Jones’ performance was almost entirely dubbed by another actor. There is an affection and nostalgia built into the film as well that makes it a pleasure to return to even if the film never quite makes up its mind to be an out and out comedy or an exciting action adventure.

For more of our 47 Films to See Before You’re Murdered in Your Dreams,Click HERE.