ANDERSON WILL DIRECT AYOADE IN QUIRKMAGEDDON

MOVIE NEWS – The king of whimsy has shelved plans for another Roald Dahl movie in favor of a more personal project. Wes Anderson will direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon, which will be a meta-documentary or ‘documetary’ as Anderson insists on calling it. We caught up with the auteur of aloof Anderson, to discuss this latest project.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade? How Did That Happen?

Yo listen up Miles. I is gonna throw fo sho truth bombs at ya. Know what I’m saying? I was just chillin’ and illin’ with my man Murray B and he was all up in ma grill. ‘He was like, ‘Yo yo W-A-W-A’, he calls me that. It stands for Wes Anderson With Attitude. He said, ‘Look man, word on the street is yo trippin’ with another R Dahl joint, know what I’m saying?’ And then he’s all, ‘Don’t be messin’ with all that shizzle, bro. Meta is where it’s at mofo.’

I See

Fuckin’ A bro. That’s right, ya dig? My main man Billy Mur-ray had my back. He was like, ‘Don’t be messin’ with that British shizzle. You gots to keep it fresh, wicki-wicki-wa-waa.’ And then it hit me like a bolt of electric. I could see the future man. It was meta. I had to make a documentary about not making no Roald Dahl piece of shit. But it’s meta documentary, a documetary! Man, sometimes I amaze even myself, you know what I’m saying?

 

How Did Richard Ayoade Become Involved?

He’s the coolest kid on the block man. He’s the whack-daddy. You know what I’m saying? I mean, I can’t understand a fucking word that comes outta his mouth, you know what I’m saying? He’s all, quirky this and quirky that. Look at my corduroys man. It’s sexy as shit, you know what I’m saying? Imagine him, my man Billy Mur-ray and that goofy fuckin kid Chalamet all in the same movie. Damn man, that is some fried chicken movie heaven right there.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon Soon.

MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET NEW HAIRCUT SHOCK

The Timothee Chalamet new haircut has shocked people all around the world. The heartthrob movie star who will next be seen in sci-fi epic, Dune has had a ‘slight trim’ according to reports. The Timothee Chalamet new haircut is due to be officially unveiled at the Dune premiere.

A Timothee Chalamet New Haircut? What A Time To Be Alive!

As the heartthrob actor queued up outside his local barber shop in Manhattan, New York, interest began to mount. The actor entered the barbers and sat down in a chair, eyewitnesses have reported. He then had a cover all wrapped around him, just like a normal person. The Exec spoke with Tony Goode, owner of A Cut Above The Rest barbers, where Chalamet had his haircut.

His Hair Is Almost Just Like Ours, But More Famous

“He asked for a little off the top and a number 5 around the backs and sides.” Said Tony. “His hair smelled incredible. It was like smelling heaven or something.” By this point, crowds had begun to gather and live streams of the haircut were beaming themselves around the world. “His hair felt like normal hair, which is weird. It’s almost like ours, but more famous, Because of this, my hands were a little shaky. I had to take a minute to gather myself. And then, I began to cut.”

Like Black Strands Of Utopia

“I started by just gently snipping the ends off the top. They were already perfect. I felt like I was cutting perfection. Like drawing over the Mona Lisa. It was then he smiled at me in the mirror. I stopped cutting as his gaze warmed me. And then. Sorry, I’m getting a bit emotional. And then, he said to ‘It’s ok, you can do this. It’s what you’ve trained for all your life.’”

Right Through Me

“His power went right through me. I then started to cut and snip like a man possessed. Everything was beautiful blur. And before I knew it, I’d given him a trim on top and a number 5 around the backs and sides. I tapered the back of his milky neck. It was done. And like that, he was gone.” People now pay to just come into my shop. They just want to stand there, in the same space as he once was. It’s magical. I also now charge $800 for The Chalamet, as I call it.”

Dune opens in theatres later this year.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET STARS AS NICK CAVE IN YOUNG NICK

HOLLYWOOD – Andrew Dominic’s Young Nick is a triumph, boasting an amazing performance by Timothée Chalamet.

Call Me By Your Name and Ladybird star Timothée Chalamet once more pulls out the stops. This time with a bravura performance as Australian post-punk singer Nick Cave in a new film tracing the origins of the Australian nick cavemusician. Young Nick begins in Australia with the teenager Nick still searching to find his way through the world. Writer and director Andrew Dominic – and pal of Nick Cave – knew Nick Cave as they both group up in the same world. This is evident in the closely observed miseries of 80s suburban Australia. Guy Pearce is superb as Cave’s confused father, who is out of his depth with his rebellious son.

Liam Hemsworth is slightly too old to play Mick Harvey, the Birthday Party and then Bad Seeds guitarist, but he manages his part with aplomb. The interaction between the two makes for some of the funniest dialogue of the film. Cave reveals himself something of an idealist against the hard Ozzie pragmatism of Harvey.

SNEAK PREVIEW

The Scenes of the gigs are great. So vibrant and full of life. From the disastrous school disco to the local club where the first tentative steps towards stardom look to be foiled by the over zealous attentions of the local police.  But it is Chalamet’s performance which is creating early buzz and talks of a possible Oscar nomination down the road. He shows the charisma that made Cave the figure he would become. But equally he manages to suggest the vulnerabilities at the heart of the character. The music is obviously dynamite with a mix of mostly Birthday Party tracks but with an evocative use of From Her to Eternity as the film transitions to a wintry London. And an assault on musical history from out antipodean heroes.

Dominic has created a deeply entertaining, visually sumptuous and startlingly intelligent film. Perhaps his best movie since Chopper. And it is important to note, this isn’t a film for fans only. If you go in without knowing anything about Cave – who stills remains a select taste – there’s still plenty to enjoy in this punkish portrait of a rebel without a cause.

Young Nick comes out in 2020.

EVERYONE TO STAR IN DUNE

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve revealed today that everyone will star in his remake of the Science Fiction classic Dune.

With Timothee Chalamet, Oscar Isaac, Sting and Charlotte Rampling already confirmed, Denis Villeneuve’s movie adaptation of Frank Herbert’s Dune is beginning to take shape. He spoke with us about his casting decision to recruit the population of the world to ‘swell the scene’.

The thing is we have in Dune the population of Arrakis, but also the home planet of the Artreides: Caladan and Giedi Prime, the planet of the Harkonnens. So we need actors to play the populations of those planets. And we decided quite early on we don’t want Dune to be a mass of CGI. We want it to be as close to real as possible. That’s the way people will engage in the story. My first argument on reading the book, my first thesis, was this isn’t really science fiction, so much as an alternative historical novel. Think about it. There are families and barons and all that. It’s more Game of Thrones than Star Wars.

 Although the population of the world will be expected to get up very early in the morning, they will be pain in spice. And the SPICE MUST FLOW.

Dune starts filming on Tuesday.

WOODY ALLEN DONATES SALARY TO ME TOO AND SWEARS NEVER TO WORK WITH HIMSELF AGAIN

NEW YORK – Actor and film director Woody Allen has sworn he will never work with himself again and has pledged his salary to the MeToo movement.

Woody Allen joins Greta Gerwig, Rebecca Hall and Timothée Chalamet in publically distancing himself from the work of the legendary comedian and director. Woody explained to the Studio Exec:

It’s going to tricky for me going forward, but the way I see it the time has come to make a stand. This a historic sea change in which finally women are being heard and victims of sexual abuse are being given their day.

But Woody, you’re the man who has been accused of sexual abuse?

That’s what makes it so complicated. But I’m still willing to do my part.

The news that Allen is refusing to have anything to do with himself comes after a series of high profile collaborators issued similar statements. In the past, Allen has enjoyed the benefit of the doubt. But it looks as if the tide is turning for the 82 year old New Yorker.

A Rainy Day in New York will be released the week after I Love You, Daddy.

HETEROSEXUAL CALL ME BY YOUR NAME IN THE WORKS

HOLLYWOOD – Luca Guadagnino’s Call Me by Your Name is to be remade as a heterosexual love story.

Set in Italy in 1983, Call Me by Your Name chronicles the romantic relationship between a 17-year-old Italian-American boy, Elio Perlman, and his father’s American assistant, Oliver. Timothée Chalamet and Armi Hammer star and the film has received critical praise and even Oscar buzz. Now it looks like a remake is in the offing, but with a twist. A source close to the remake told the Studio Exec:

We love the piece and we want to see what it would look like as a heterosexual love story. After all, the themes themselves are universal and not specific to any particular sexual orientation.

Ellen Page and Zachary Quinto have signed on to play the two leads. Quinto spoke to Studio Exec about the role:

Normally it isn’t something that would attract me. But the novel is so strong and I like the challenge of playing a straight man who isn’t Vulcan.

Ellen Page countered criticism that the new film is swapping over the sexuality.

I think it is proof of how much progress we’ve made that it honestly doesn’t matter one bit if this story is gay or straight. It’s all love after all.

The remake is only the latest in a series of ‘re-straights’ – Heterosexual versions of gay movies – that have taken Hollywood by storm. The success of Healthy Back Mountain in 2016 began the trend, which was swiftly followed by Daryl – a remake of Todd Haynes’ Carol – and Blue is NOT the Warmest Color.

Call Me by My Name comes out in 2019.