BEN AFFLECK TO STAR IN TIM BURTON’S SUPERMAN LIVES

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck cast as the Man of Steel in Superman Lives.

Tim Burton‘s Superman Lives will finally see the light of day with Ben Affleck taking the role of Superman. The long-gestating project which initially saw Nicolas Cage stuff the tights has finally got the green light. Burton told the SE EXCLUSIVELY:

Look, no one ever thought this could happen. Least of all me. This project broke my heart when it didn’t come off with Nick in the 90s, but now Ben is really keen. He says he loves the idea of putting his mark on the character.

We asked Ben how he felt taking over the character having played Batman and having to rival Henry Cavill’s recent turn.

Well, I shared a screen with Henry in a couple of movies. And I got a chance to study him really closely. I couldn’t help but think: what a dick! It really irked me day after to day to see him trying to hide his moustache and stumble over even the most simple line readings. One say we almost came to blows. Fortunately Zack was there to remind us that our mothers both shared the same name. Agatha or something.

Martha?

Yeah, that was it. Anyway, I’ve always wanted to play Superman and Matt Damon’s hair is thinning now so he won’t mind playing Lex Luthor I guess.

Tim Burton’s Superman Lives begins filming in June.

TIM BURTON’S ROALD DAHL-NIVERSE ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros have announced the creation of Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse.

Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse will build a whole cinematic universe where all of the author’s beloved characters will live. The Exec caught up with Warner’s Creative Executive Vice President, Gillian Gekko who told us more.

Gillian, can you tell us more about Tim’s vision for this cinematic universe?

Sure, Miles. But let me just say what a lovely bungalow you have here.

Thanks.

You’re welcome. Look, sweety. I’m gonna level with you. I’m gonna need a line or two, before I can talk about this. Do you mind?

No, not at all. Be my guest.

You’re a treasure. Just one shake of a lambs tail and *SNORTS*. FUCKIN BOO YA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. OH MERCY. Right. Let’s do this. So we’ve given Tim Burton a fuck ton load of money to make this shit ship sail. First off, he’s making a prequel to Danny The Champion Of The World. It’s basically gonna be a 2 hour porno where Danny gets conceived. Michael Fassbender is playing his father, William. Because, you know, that boy got game. You know what I mean. He’s calling it Willy, Champion Of Rockin’ The World.

Oh my.

I shit you not. Then Tim’s exec producing The Fuck Wits. It’s a prequel to The Twits. Think Natural Born Killers meets Dumb and Dumber. It’s going to be directed by Lars Von Trier. A real exploitation kill-fest of a road movie. Then to end phase one, Asia Argento is directing The School Of Witches, the prequel to The Witches. It’ll take place in a European Witches’ finishing school, where someone keeps bumping off young witches.

They sounds quite… ambitious.

Oh yeah. You wouldn’t believe the amount of acid Burton gets through when he’s writing. It’s insane. Puts me to shame, and I’ve outlasted all the big hitters, Led Zep, The Stones, Frank Bough and Betty White. But him? Sheesh. Where do you think the phrase ‘Gone for a Burton’ comes from? He can hoover up anything. Is that picture hung straight? I don’t think it is. Let me straighten it for you. Have you got a spirit level? Do you wanna do some meth?

Um, Gillian, thank you for your time.

The Roald Dahl-niverse launches shortly.

JOHNNY DEPP RETIRES FROM ACTING: “I WANT TO BE A CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER!”

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp to retire.

Johnny Depp announced his retirement from movie acting in order to devote himself full time to being a children’s entertainer, by the name of ‘Mr Gangley’.

A friend close to Johnny Depp told Studio Exec, “Johnny didn’t like the reaction to The Rum Diary and Transcendence. Both of which he had hoped would repair some of the damage The Tourist had done, which he did as a way of getting away from the snore machine that was Public Enemies.”

Film historian and self-confessed ‘Depp-spert’, Felix Dripping argues:

Depp has actually been a children’s entertainer for some time now. First, The Mad Hatter, Jack Sparrow, Tonto, that other shit he did with Burton, none of that was actually acting. He was just putting on makeup and pulling faces and shit. Perhaps, he simply forgot how to act.

Michael Mann also had harsh words for the former Freddy Kreuger victim number 4. “For Public Enemies I gave him John Dillinger, one of the most exciting roles you can imagine. And he made him boring.”

There have long been rumours that Mr Depp was not happy with his current profession. Comments he made during an appearance on Letterman to the effect that he never watched his own films now seem to have been a warning sign. While filming Pirates 4 he took time off to visit a local school and entertain the kids, telling the director Rob Marshall to “go fuck yourself.”

From now on, he will go by the name of Mr Gangley and is declaring himself available for children’s parties. He is offering magic tricks, balloon animals, improv character pieces (no pirates) and ventriloquism with his new monkey friend, Jimmy Spangles.

Johnny Depp’s last film will be Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

TIM BURTON’S SUPERMAN LIVES IS RESURRECTED

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton revives Superman Lives. 

Warner Bros today announced Tim Burton’s Superman Lives, with Nic Cage to don the cape.

‘We’re so excited that we finally get to make this incredible movie,’ said Burton. ‘We’re going to reboot the whole DC Universe with this thing. It’s going to be so far out man. You’ll believe a man can fly and everything. The first Christopher Reeve Superman will remain as canon. Along with the first half of Superman II and the bits of Superman III with Richard Pryor in, but none of the bits with Lana Lang. She didn’t test very well with young males on Twitter aged 10-30. We’re also keeping Nuclear Man, he was so bitching and rad.’

Burton went on to explain the casting decisions.

‘Nic (Cage) still fits into that weird neon tube costume, which cost a boat load of money. So we thought he could still give Clark and Supes a bash. Helena Bonham-Carter will obviously star as Lois Lane, with James McAvoy playing Lex Luthor. He looks really good in a skull cap. Glenn Ford’s likeness is going to be CGI’d onto Kevin Costner’s body as we’re going to keep his Dad’s bridge scene from Man Of Steel, as that was pretty cool and Danny De Vito will play Jimmy Olsen.’

When asked if Johnny Depp would be playing Apokolips, Burton refused to comment. However, he did confirm he fully expects Cage’s Superman to face off against Robert Pattinson’s really dark Dark Knight in future sequels. ‘It’s new, fresh and exactly what every comic book movie fan wants to see right now,’ said Burton, ‘those two beloved characters going toe to toe for the first time ever. It’s going to be wild.’

Superman Lives is slated to be released by Warner Bros in December 2022.

JOHNNY DEPP DONATES 15 MILLION COTTON BALLS TO AFRICA

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp today donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa.

Johnny Depp announced he had donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa ‘to help with you know famine and stuff’. The troubled actor recently surprised tourists with his appearance as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He told the Studio Exec:johnny depp cotton balls

I’m amazing. Charity is my first love. I can’t live in a world where some people have 15,000 cotton balls a day and while others don’t have any. That just ain’t fair. Also, I want to get involved in going to the Syrian refugees and giving them some vintage electric guitars. I’ve seen the news and some of those guys just have cheap Fender replicas. It’s heartbreaking.

The move was widely seen as a publicity stunt to distract from the actor’s legal woes. First it was his plot to fill Australia with dog disease. Then his breakup with wife Amber Heard. Now he is in what could be a costly dispute with his business managers: The Management Group’s Joel and Robert Mandel. The Edward Scissorhands actor accused them of mismanagement. But the pair have counter-accused Depp of an extravagant lifestyle, something he did little to discount in a Wall Street Journal interview. In it he stated:

It’s my money. If I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing.

The donation is evidently part of his private stock. Which countries in Africa will specifically receive the largess is as yet unclear.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow’s Legal Fees will be released in 2019.

FIRST IMAGE OF WILL SMITH AS DUMBO ‘JUST LOOKS LIKE WILL SMITH’

HOLLYWOOD – Disney release first image from new live action Dumbo, starring Will Smith.

The first picture from Disney’s live action Dumbo starring Will Smith was published on the internet today. The image shows Will Smith in full costume and prosthetic make up, playing the eponymous baby elephant with the enormous ears.

Disney fan and Smith watcher Dave Buckiss told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s disappointing. It just looks like a picture of Will. His ears look about the same size. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to make of it.

Director Tim Burton, however, insisted he was delighted with his star.

Firstly, Will doesn’t just play a role he becomes that person. Like when he was playing Ali. Now he’s playing another icon, although not one that floated like a butterfly! Ha ha, nope. And as you can see from the picture, he’s almost unrecognizable as the Fresh Prince that we all know and love. Johnny Depp called last night and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. But I bet it was something like ‘Will Smith is so much better than I am.’ Something along those lines.

Dumbo will be released in 2018.

STEVEN SEAGAL’S FEMINIST BOOK CLUB: 1. A VINDICATION OF THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Welcome to Steven Seagal’s Feminist Book Club! 

Hi, I’m Steven Seagal, star of such hits as A Dangerous Man, Driven to Kill and Against the Dark

Every week I’m going to be looking at a classic of feminist literature and reviewing it. I would be really pleased to hear your own reactions as you read along with me. Feel free to use the comments box and let’s get a real dialogue going. Today, I’m reviewing Mary Wollstonecraft’s A Vindication of the Rights of Women.


Nowadays, Mary Wollstonecraft is perhaps most famous for being the mother of the authoress of Frankenstein which later became the inspiration for Tim Burton’s Frankenweenie. However, in her time and for us feminists, Wollstonecraft is the inspiration of a whole movement which sought to unravel and overthrow patriarchy and bring women to a knowledge of their own self-power. Although many have disputed how far the book can be viewed as feminism as opposed to proto-feminism, given the context of male oppression, the book written in 1792 was fundamental in valorizing female work and attempting to promote women away from being viewed merely as objects and wives, and more towards being companions and equals.
Okay. But what about some of the downsides? Well, first of all although this is a landmark piece of thinking, it is a rather dry philosophical tract that some might find difficult to keep up with. Also, there are no fight scenes, absolutely zero. Ditto round house kicks. Although she does bring up the topic of domestic violence that just isn’t the kind of violence that one can truly enjoy.

Conclusion: 

Feminism: a foundational text: 10/10 
Martial Arts: scarse:  2/10
Total: 6/10

For more of Steven Seagal’s Feminist Book Group Click Here. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 2. TIM BURTON

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton takes a break from spinning Lewis Carroll in his grave to be our second interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

Poached eggs (x 2), two slices of toast, cup of coffee

Timothy Burton might be a scatter-haired Goth for many but at breakfast he presents himself in a Gucci hairnet, smoking jacket by Valentino and prepares the best poached eggs I’ve ever tasted.

So my first question is simple:

Timmy boy, you are famed as one of the most original and innovative film-makers of our time where do you get your original innovative ideas from?

Well, Batman – my first true hit – was from an old comic book, and Planet of the Apes was from an old film, Sweeney Todd was from an old musical, Alice in Wonderland was from an old book, Sleepy Hollow also an old book, Big Fish was from a new book, Ed Wood was a book and you know real life, Dark Shadows was from an old TV series and Mars Attacks was from a trading card series (I know).

But Betelgeuse was original: where did you get the idea for that?

Someone else’s script. You want more coffee?

No. Okay. Edward Scissorhands?

 Oh yeah, I did that. Well, the story, then Caroline Thompson wrote the script.

Okay so your ideas aren’t necessarily original as such but your treatment of them are. The Tim Burton look. Where does that come from?

Old Sisters of Mercy videos. And Billy Idol. “White Wedding” was a real inspiration to me. You know cobwebs, wedding dresses, that sort of stuff. Or like Wonderland in Alice in Wonderland, I just added a couple of waterfalls, but it was basically Disney.

But the performances are always great in your movies. These eggs by the way are fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah. What I do is I visualize a poster and I think is there anyway I can get Johnny Depp’s big fat face front and centre. Because you know, people would pay to watch Johnny Depp flushing the toilet.

I didn’t see Dark Shadows.

 You didn’t miss much. Then I say “honey do you want to be in the film?” to whomever I’m married to at that given moment. Mostly Helena Bonham Carter these days. And the work’s more or less done. Then I find filming quite peaceful. I like to wear dark glasses so I can just nod off and people usually mistake my confusion for dreamy visionary-ness. Now if you don’t mind, I usually like to take a dump after breakfast.

‘Sure, Tim,’ I say and show my way out. I meet Johnny Depp on the porch his got an armful of Betamax video cassettes and a guilty grin.

‘Beats working,’ he shouts over his shoulder as we pass.

REVIEW: BLACK MASS

REVIEW – BLACK MASS – Is Johnny Depp’s return to form as James ‘Whitey’ Bulger in Scott Cooper’s Boston set gangster pic, actually true?

There is no doubt that Johnny Depp is beginning to tire of visiting children’s hospitals dressed as Jack Sparrow. Maybe he’s also fed up of having to sit in Tim Burton’s make up chair for seven hours every day to recreate some fantastical personage that ends up always looking like Johnny Depp with tons of make up. He might even have started watching his own movies, something he denied doing and then made Dark Shadows to show the reason why.

However, Scott Cooper’s “Black Mass” is not quite the masterpiece, to be ranked with the best of Martin Scorsese, that it obviously sets out to be. The fact that the nearest Scorsese film it resembles is the messy minor work The Departed – also set in Boston, also featuring a corrupt law enforcement officer – is perhaps a warning sign. And yet The Departed was a noisily entertaining lump of grunge with a wonderfully over the top Jack Nicholson performance, full of grand Guignol verve. Black Mass is altogether more respectable. It’s a polished piece of film that tastefully harks back to the seventies. It’s layered narrative feels like an after thought and its script has a tendency to lead the audience by the nostrils, but it isn’t dull. It’s good TV. Not great TV. Good TV.

James Whitey Bulger (Depp) is a small time hood, being squeezed by the Italian mafia but when John Connolly (Joel Edgerton) comes back to South Boston after landing a job in the FBI he brokers a deal whereby in return for the Italians, the FBI will turn a blind eye to, if not facilitate Bulger’s rise in the crime world.  Bulger himself is a weird Vampiric creature who is closer to the Madhatter than he is to Donnie Brasco. This is a huge problem with the film. You don’t see a character. You see contact lenses and a weird swimming cap bald piece. Just once I’d love Johnny Depp to be in a film in which he wasn’t review as ‘unrecognizable’. He is given lots of great scenes – the family recipe one feels like an instant classic – but this is also the problem: lots of great scenes does not a story, nor a character make. And many of the scenes appear to be at the service of Depp, showing how threatening etc he is. But it is a one note performance. A scene with his wife (Dakota Johnson) is so underwritten on her part that it feels like the two of them have never met let alone had a child together. Edgerton actually has the more interesting role and he pulls it off, amazingly, while still looking like Joel Edgerton!

For more Reviews, CLICK HERE.

JOHNNY DEPP JOINS TIM BURTON’S DUMBO

HOLLYWOOD – It sounds like a stupid f*cking idea but Tim Burton is going to make a live action version of Disney classic Dumbo starring Johnny Depp as the eponymous elephant.

We had an opportunity to speak to Johnny Depp EXCLUSIVELY and this is what he had to say:

I’ve always loved the cartoon version of Dumbo and I think this is a classic Tim Burton story and a classic Johnny Depp character. Dumbo is after all an outsider who has exceptional abilities – he can fly – and I will be totally inhabiting the character. I’ve started working on my look.

Will they be using CGI?

No. Not at all. I’ll be putting on the ears! Ha ha. Seriously, though, I really don’t like that kind of trickery when it comes to performance. It’s against an actor’s integrity. My art is in my ability to physically transform myself into whatever character I please and disappear into the character so that the audience is left saying ‘Wow! Johnny Depp looks really different!’

Any other casting news in the pipeline?

It’s obvious that Helena Bonham Carter will be the gypsy in the circus, because she’s kind of married to Tim Burton and they live together and he really loves her. So that’s sweet. She’s also a great actress.

What do you say to critics who say you’ve thrown your talent away on a series of big budget extravaganzas in which you dress up rather than act?

I’m sorry, what was the question? I was too money and didn’t hear.

Dumbo will be released in 2016.

 

JACK NICHOLSON TO RETURN AS THE JOKER

GOTHAM – Jack Nicholson is set to reprise his iconic performance as the Joker in the new DC Comics film Suicide Squad.

News broke over Gotham late last night, putting paid to the notion that Jay Leno and Jared Leto had both been approached about the role, simply because they had the same initials.

David Ayers, the director of the super villains team movie said that he was  delighted to have Jack Nicholson on board:

Nicholson is, was and will be a great Joker. This is going to make things really interesting, because he will bring with him the memories of the Tim Burton Batman films, but at the same time, now he’s a little longer in the tooth, there’s also the sense that this is a maturer Joker, a Joker who has perhaps learned a few lessons, a Joker who… Who am I kidding? This is Jack Nicholson, right? He’s going to be crazy!

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec, Jack Nicholson explained his thinking behind his decision:

At first I didn’t want to play the same part. I thought Heath Ledger did a splendid job, truly splendid. But then when David came and showed me the script, I thought this is truly wonderful. But still I can’t do it, I’m too old for this. Then I called Jennifer Lawrence and she said she loved comic book movies and next day I was in costume.

Suicide Squad will be released in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HELENA BONHAM CARTER

HELENA BONHAM CARTER ALERT – Get ready for a factoid shower that will dissolve the amassed icing on the disintegrated wedding cake of not knowing.

  1. Helena Bonham Carter comes from a long family of humble carters, who would cart luggage and vegetables around on carts for tuppence. Helena herself learned carting but was saved from a life time of drudgery by the intervention of a fat prostitute called Mavis. Her mother still continues the family trade and will often cart about her daughter’s vegetables whenever Helena is in ‘town’.
  2. In A Room with a View – based on the novel by Federick Forsythe – Helena’s room did in actual fact have a view, but it was digitally enhanced by James Cameron.
  3. David Fincher originally cast Helena Bonham Carter as Tyler Durden, but changed his mind when he realised that ‘it was a really dumb idea’. The character of Marla was invented because Fincher was too embarrassed to tell Helena of the mistake.
  4. Helena Bonham Carter is married to Timothy Burton, the imaginative genius who gave us a load of remakes of crap television shows and Planet of the Apes. He insists she auditions for any role she wants, but if he turns her down she waits until he is asleep and then cuts off his toes with rose sheers. He only has two toes left on his right foot.
  5. Helena Bonham Carter’s dinner parties are famous throughout Hollywood and the British theatrical world, especially for their bizarre menus and sadistic Bunuel style games. She will often have her mother cart the vegetables to the house only to roundly criticize her before the assembled guests for her lack of social mores.
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

HELENA BONHAM CARTER TO MARRY BRITISH PRIME MINISTER

LONDON – Helena Bonham Carter – daughter of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer and star of the bad Planet of the Apes – is to marry British Prime Minister, David Cameron.

The news came in an interview with the British tabloid newspaper The Guardian. ‘I love David Cameron,’ the actress told the interviewer. 

He’s witty and very clever and oh, just dreamy with his big potato-y head. He looks like Buzz Lightyear!

When reminded that not only was David Cameron already married, but Bonham Carter herself was as well, she acted not for the first time indifferent(ly).

I don’t care. I’m going to ditch Timmy [Burton] like a Nazi boyfriend at a bar mitzvah and Dave will leave ‘that bitch’. And we’re just going to stay in all day, probably having nooky. He can tell all his mates in the government: ‘You look after shafting the poor and protecting the rich for a few months, I’ve got some hot totty that needs heaps of Dave love.’ And they’ll say, ‘Yeah’.   

Reaction from Downing Street came shortly after the publication of the interview. A short note addressed ‘from the Office of the Prime Minister David Cameron stated briefly:

Ms. Bonham Carter is a respected actress of the highest calibre but marriage is utterly out of the question as the Prime Minister is already happily married. However, if Ms. Bonham Carter would like a snog the Prime Minister will be happy to oblige as long as no one tells his wife.

Helena Bonham Carter will next be seen in Tim Burton’s next film The Premature Burial.

JOHNNY DEPP AND TIM BURTON CONFIRMED FOR THE SPICE GIRLS

Johnny Depp Spice Girls



LONDON – Limey sources have confirmed Johnny Depp and Tim Burton have re-united in the United Kingdom for Spice Girls: Rise of Girl Power.



In a red doubledecker bus sized EXCLUSIVE the Studio Exec can reveal Depp is to play ALL of the Spice Girls in what is sure to be what the French call a ‘tour de force‘ in quirky histrionics and transvestitism. Speaking of his preparation, Depp said: 

I started by spending a whole term at Hogwarts, where the girls learned their witchcraft, and just soaked up the atmosphere of their respective houses. The school is strict about keeping boys and girls separate but, hey I’m Johnny Depp! So in no time, I’m lounging in the Quidditch changing rooms with my Hufflepuff girls, accepted like any other fresh faced pre-pubescent witch. Wild times were had.

The movie depicts the girls’ rise to power in the 90s and how they decimated the male dominated band culture with a fatal mix of catchy phrases, shouting and day-glo budget street wear. Depp revealed the story pulls no punches, showing the power struggles and in-fighting in the British music industry. 

We’re not gonna shy away from the fact that they went up against London gangsters The Krays to secure various ‘protection territories’ to fund their school tour. They bought off police; had the unions in their pocket; used illegal magic outside the school grounds… Man! Mix this up with Tim Burton’s inimitable style and it’s a ride everyone’s gonna want to take.

Who is your favorite Spice to play?

They all have their strengths: Scary Spice Mel B is fun because you just let loose. I studied a lot of big cat movements to get her trademark attack style. She never used weapons to kill her enemies, just tooth and claw. But if I had to choose, I think Posh Spice Victoria Beckham was both the biggest challenge and the greatest personal reward. I actually began a full sexual relationship with David Beckham to get to the core of her character. I’m now in touch with her Essence. I don’t want to let her go. And I’ll miss David and the kids – Brooklyn, Jammy Dodger and Syphilis – when filming is over.

Spice Girls: Rise of Girl Power will be released Christmas 2015.