MARIE KONDO ARRESTED AS A SUSPECTED SERIAL KILLER

HOLLYWOOD – Japanese Netflix star Marie Kondo has been arrested and charged with sixteen counts murder.

The star of Netflix’s Tidying Up with Marie Kondo has been arrested and charged with multiple murders. The arrest took place early this morning when officers were called to her San Francisco townhouse after neighbors complained of a strange musty smell coming from Ms. Kondo’s residence. The scene that awaited officers was variously described as horrifying, terrifying and neat.

One law enforcement source told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When we first went in, everything seemed normal though there was this smell of moth balls everywhere. But once we began to look in the cupboards and drawers we realized we had come across something truly macabre.

Can you describe it?

In the drawers there were rows of severed hands and there were feet at the bottom of the wardrobes. Bodies had been folded so that they occupied the least space. In the end we found the remains of what we believe to be sixteen separate individuals.

And what was Marie doing while you were searching?

She was just as delightful as ever. And she really cooperated with the investigation. She pointed out that there were bodies in the attic and the garage as well. Though she did rather disturbingly tell us that she ahd disposed of many other bodies which she felt weren’t necessary to her life.

Is there any clue as to her motivation?

Yes. She said that the people did not ‘spark joy’ and therefore she drilled holes in their heads and poured in prussic acid.

American Crime Story 3: Marie Kondo will drop in 2020.

 

‘NOT SPARKING JOY’ NOW A LEGITIMATE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – The state of California has been inspired by Marie Kondo’s tidying philosophy to include ‘not sparking joy’ as a legitimate grounds for divorce.

Marie Kondo’s Netflix show – Tidying Up with Marie Kondo – has inspired a change in California divorce law. From now on, if your partner does not make you feel ‘sparking with joy’, then you have sufficient grounds to seek a divorce.

Divorce lawyer Albert Shebang told the Studio Exec:

In some ways this is just codifying something that already exists. Throughout history divorce has become something easier to obtain without necessarily having to prove wrong-doing, adultery or cruelty. Now it will be simple enough to start proceedings and in the meantime you can practice folding t-shirts and the like into those wonderful little roles. Also as part of Marie Kondo’s influence, we’ll be asking divorcees to thank each other before legally separating. This is actually proving more controversial.

A sudden spike in the divorce rate is anticipated as surveys show that about 83% of couples asked stated categorically that their spouses did not spark joy.

Divorcing with Marie Kondo drops on Netflix in the Spring.