HOLLYWOOD – Marvel big boss Kevin Feige revealed that Avengers 4 will kill off the entire cast.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Marvel president Kevin Feige promised that the next Avengers film – Avengers 4 – will be a character blood bath.
First, we’ve looked at all the superhero films around and we’ve seen that audiences are getting tired of this stuff. There’s a point that comes where they want some kind of closure. So, for the next Avengers movie we’ve decided on a radical solution. A kind of WTF finale. Where everyone dies! Do you get it?
I know. I first got the idea from watching Game of Thrones. You see those guys came up with a brilliant idea. You have established characters everyone knows and loves and they seem to be on a journey. And then BHAM! They’re dead. Or squish, in the case of the guy who got his head caved in.
That’s the guy.
So you’re going to kill them all off?
Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk Thor.
The Black Widow?
Oh yeah. Definitely.
Aren’t you worried that telling us this will spoil the movie?
Telling everybody? I’m only telling you SE. Hey, you’re not going to tell anyone are you?
Good. You got anymore shrimp. These are delicious.
Basing a Marvel movie on Nabokov’s controversial novel Lolita was always going to be a tricky proposition but thankfully, director Titur Birkenhead (In Search of the Village People) handles the subject matter with such deftness and subtlety that you almost don’t notice that this fun and furious fantasy film about a Norse God is an examination of the relationship between a middle aged literary professor and a 12-year-old girl.
Thor plays Chris Hemsworth, an Australian actor in the midst of a long and protracted acid trip in which he wields a magic flying hammer and fires lightning bolts, usually in the direction of his mischievous half-brother, Liam. At the climax of Chris Hemsworth: The Dark World, which was described by any critic not being forced to be nice about a film because the company that makes it advertises on their website as akin to dipping your genitals into an electric blender whilst simultaneously having your eyeballs scooped out by Freddy Kruger’s tetanus riddled claws, inside a volcano on a particularly bleak Monday morning, our hero chose to live on earth with his true love, Natalie Portman rather than follow his father, Hannibal Lecter and become the next ruler of Asgard. Fortunately, Hollywood is coming around to the idea that Natalie Portman is a bit boring and arrogant, and that her best movie was Leon 21 years ago and no matter how old she gets she looks like a schoolgirl dressed up in her mother’s clothes, so she’s not in it.
Along for the ride is Mark Gruffalo, who has that thousand-yard stare of a man that was once forced to star opposite Keira Knightley. Jeff Goldblum playing Jeff Goldblum in a wizard’s costume and Tom Hiddleston, playing Tom Hiddleston in a wig.
It’s all great fun, probably. I can’t remember. I took two McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers in with me and I’m pretty sure the salt has degraded my frontal lobe.
HOLLYWOOD – Shocking news just in today that Thor the God of Thunder and James Hunt the star of Rush, Chris Hemsworth smells of baskets. And not good ones.
Chris Hemsworth is the elder member of a family of beefcake, that also includes Lawrence bait, Liam Hemsworth, who are currently plying their trade in the motion picture industry. Young Hemsworth has made something of a name for himself with performances as Thor in Thor and racing car driver James Rush in Rush as well as the eponymous Hat in the Michael Mann film no one went to see Black Hat. But today it was revealed to the world via an anonymous source that the hunky star with the ability to play it for laughs has a very distinct odor.
Ron Howard dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to lay the lowdown on us wearing a heavy disguise as an old Richie Cunningham.
He smells of baskets. And not good fresh baskets either. Flower baskets, or baskets full of toys. No. The kind of baskets that have been used to catch crabs for generations and then have been left in the corner of the dockyard warehouse for like three years, until they’re covered in a strange black algae.
Exactly. And on the set everyone is going ‘Phew! Who cut the cheese?’ But then someone else, I think it was Cillian Murphy, said, ‘It doesn’t smell like cheese, or farts. It smells like baskets.’
How was it directing him In The Heart of the Sea?
I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m not Ron Howard. Ron Howard is the director of In the Heart of The Sea. I’m not he.
By the way you’re making a film about events that inspired Moby Dick.
Yes. That’s to say, Ron Howard is.
Why not just make a version of Moby Dick?
Chris Hemsworth smells of baskets, baskets, baskets.
In the Heart of the Sea will be in cinemas next month.
NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.
They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.
Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:
This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.
Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:
Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.
The Marvel News Channel will begin broadcasting at the end of the week.
AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON: REVIEW – The Avengers return in Joss Whedon’s slick screwball comedy.
Crash, Bang, Wallop – what a picture! There’s wit – fan service – action scenes and other stuff, but to be honest I’m getting a bit tired of Marvel and superhero pictures in general. There’s nothing wrong with the picture. Far from it. The gang are back together and fighting Hydra in some snowy mittel-European Ruritania, providing The Avengers with a nice ‘elsewhere’ setting in some exciting punch ’em up scenes: the hero shot comes early! And then we have a glowing blue doo-hah which must be protected because it’s so powerful. But Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) can’t help but fiddle with it in an attempt to create an artificial intelligence defense system which would effectively render the Avengers obsolete. Oopsy-daisy! Ultron turns into a super villain intent on wiping out humanity.
Despite the clear intelligence of Whedon as a filmmaker, his actually characters are whoppingly stupid, none more so than the ‘genius’ Stark, who frankly gets off incredibly lightly for his potentially genocidal error. There’s some soap opera with the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson). Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Captain America (Chris Evans) grab some of the funniest lines, proving that occasionally it’s the straight men who can snatch the laughs when the self-knowing wit of RDJ grows wearisome. Elizabeth Olsen, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Paul Bettany are new heroes, the former seems to be spending this phase of her career tripping through rubble (see also Godzilla).
So it’s fun and all that. But I can’t say I care as much as perhaps I’m led to believe by score etc. that I should. I don’t care about Hulk and Black Widow. I’m unconvinced by the moral conundrums, when no one seems to want to take responsibility for their actions. Doctor Banner is supposed to be the conscience of the group but after he wreaks havoc through a city center his only solution seems to be to run away. And perhaps I’m weighed down by the prospect of another two Russo brothers directed movies: The Avengers: Infinity Wars Parts One and Two, but I’m beginning to suffer from a genuine fatigue with this sort of thing, regardless of its quality. It’s going to go the way of the Western. There are simply too many and no matter how good an individual film might be – and this is a stand out entry – there are only so many times you can watch a city destroyed, a blue doo-dah purloined, a bunch of costumed sociopaths ruminate on morality before you begin to think it might be time for the whole sub-fascist circus to be wrapped up and put away.
HOLLYWOOD – After another movie-stealing turn in Thor: The Dark World, Tom Hiddleston has confirmed that he will be playing Loki in a new stand alone Marvel feature provisionally entitled Loki: The Darker World.
Attack the Block director Joe Cornish is one of the names currently in the running but some have even suggested Oliver Stone might be the surprise choice. Stone was at pains to say he had heard nothing officially but did suggest that he would be willing to take the job if it was offered.
I’m a huge fan of the Marvel universe and Tony Hopkins told me that Thor was a lot of fun to make and I believe him. As for Loki, sure why not? He’s by far the most interesting character and I love the way Tom plays him.
Hiddleston himself said he would be delighted at the opportunity to fill a whole movie with Loki. “There’re a lot of issues to explore, so yeah sure,” said the English actor. However, some believe the maverick actor would be a risk for the studios, given his recent history of swan killing and his membership of the British ex-pat clubThe Jolly Bastards. One thing is for sure: with his huge online army of Loki fans to placate, Marvel will have to pull out all the stops to make it a good one. Here’s Loki-ing at you kid! Loki: The Darker World will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – The Avengers: Age of Ultron hit the internet and things went weird so the Studio Exec FACT SQUAD watched it 3 times and her are the 5 FACTS that they gleaned from the latest outing for the amazing and fantastic Avengers.
1. NoThundercats! Despite an article in this esteemed publication (click here fore that) it appears that the Thundercats might not be appearing in the new film, although it could simply be that the publicity machine wishes to keep Lion-o and Jaga in the pocket for a while longer. Allowing awesomeness to build.
2. Iron Man has got FAT! Tony Stark must have been putting away the pies and always asking for seconds because Iron Man looks seriously pudgy. This could be one of those hero-out-of-shape subplots like they did with Batman in the Dark Knight Rises. Or it might be a result of serious indulgence as it was for Chris Pratt following his Guardians of the Galaxy success (Click Herefor more on that).
3. James Spader isn’t in it. Despite reports that James Spader would be playing Ultron, I couldn’t see him. So obviously Marvel have fired him and gone with some sort of computerized effigy that they don’t have to pay. Pity, as I like Spader.
4. Thor can’t hold onto his hammer (drops it) and Captain America can’t hold onto his shield (it’s broken) and Tony Stark has lost his sense of humor (possibly due to eating too much and having indigestion). That is to say, everyone’s getting old.
5. A city will be destroyed and people will stand around a traffic jammed road gaping at something in the middle and a bit up distance.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the successes of Captain America: Winter Soldier and The Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel revealed yesterday that Phase 3 of the plan to take over the Movie universe will lack one ingredient most audiences would have thought essential: superheroes.
LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.
Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.
‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’
Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off. ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.
As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.
‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’
Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.
HOLLYWOOD – The internet exploded today with righteous anger and solemn fury, following the revelation that the new Wonder Woman would be female.
A DC Comics spokesperson told Studio Exec anonymously:
I don’t think that there should really be any controversy about this. In the comic books Wonder Woman is … well … a woman. And in previous incarnations she’s been a woman and in the new film she’ll be a woman. Even in the name Wonder Woman, one of the words is actually if you read it carefully ‘woman’.
However, such sophistry did not placate an internet already tumescent with bilious peek after the recent bombshell that Thor would be a woman in a forthcoming adventure. @Geeknutbag27 wrote:
Wonder Woman a woman?! PC BS. Next they’ll say Superman vs Batman gonna be totes gay! #LifeDestroyed
I’m sorry for even thinking that Wonder Woman was not a good idea, even if I thought it for a millisecond it was deeply wrong. #Sorry
HOLLYWOOD – Kenneth Branagh renowned thespian and film director, adapter of Shakespeare for the big screen and Knight of the British Empire has changed his name to Director of Thor.
Sir Director of Thor telephoned Studio Exec to explain his reasons:
It happened when I happened across the trailer for my new film Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and I saw they had written ‘From the Director of Thor ‘as a selling point. I was up all night thinking about that. Following my justly celebrated debut, starring in and directing Henry V, I went on to a career which was understandably compared to Laurence Olivier. I directed more Shakespeare including my masterpiece, a four hour Hamlet, as well as hugely successful Big Chill rip off Peter’s Friends. I’ve played Wallander and Shackleton and directed the National Theatre. I’m a knight of the realm. But none of that warrants a mention. No, it’s all subsumed by the fact I directed a comic book film, and not a very good one at that. So I thought f*ck ’em! If that’s what the people want, that’s what they’re going to get. I hop, a skip and a jump and I was down the deed poll office, paid my ten bob and my name was legally changed.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit from the Director of Thor Director of Thor Branagh will be released secretly.
LONDON – Following a hard schedule which has seen him portray British racing legend James Hunt in Rush and the Thunder God Thor in Thor The Dark World, Chris Hemsworth already has his sights on his next role as rock star and influential musician Steve Winwood in the biopic Higher Love.
Hemsworth has been studying the guitar in an attempt to pull off the Traffic and Blind Faith front man and Daniel Bruhl has been cast in the role of sometime friend and collaborator Eric Clapton. Hemsworth explained:
I was initially attracted to Steve’s hair. I thought his hair looked cool in the old pictures and then I was looking in the mirror and I thought, you know my hair almost looks like his but it isn’t in black and white. I thought that was that but I got talking to Ron Howard while we were making Rush and apparently they can fix that in post. Apparently for the last decade Bruce Willis’ hair has been created in a similar fashion using a combination of CGI and Beaver fur.
As well as Clapton Winwood has collaborated with the cream of rock royalty and Hemsworth confirmed the rest of the films star studded cast:
Don Cheadle has signed up to play Jimi Hendrix and Jude Law has been practicing the sitar for his role as George Harrison but the man I’m most excited about working with is Martin Landau who will be stepping into the shoes of the late, great Lou Reed.
Although Ron Howard has expressed uncertainty – he is still slated to direct Hemsworth in the Eddie the Eagle Story it is assumed he will take on direction, or Paul Greengrass. Higher Love will be released in 2014.