HOLLYWOOD – Taika Waititi admits vandalism charge as CCTV captured images of him spray-painting the Hollywood walk of fame with obscene cock and balls images. The LAPD released a statement earlier stating Waititi admits vandalism charge in the face of irrefutable and rather disgusting evidence. The Exec caught up with the New Zealand director for an explanation.


Taika, why did you spray-paint the Hollywood walk of fame with childish cock and balls pics?


What do you mean childish? How very dare you sir. I take umbrage with your ignorant statement sir. UMBRAGE! These aren’t just simply childish pictures to be sniggered at. They’re works of art, with their own individual style and form. But ok, they are also pretty funny. I’ll give you that.


But why on the Hollywood walk of fame?


As Ming The Merciless said, why not? I just can’t stop myself. And what better way of sticking it to the man, than drawing a good classic cock and balls. I do the little dotted line, dots on the balls, and some little flies, but just around the tip.


It sounds like you take this quite seriously?


Oh, you can’t fuck about when it comes to art. Especially amusing art that gives such insight to the male psyche. Where else can you find a truer expression of the male as an animal? The cock. And then the balls. A perfect metaphor for the fragility of the male ego. Give them a kick, it’s agony and everything shrivels right up.


That’s all very poetic but it’s still vandalism.


One person’s art is another person’s vandalism. Banksy gets this shit all the time.


Are you claiming you know Banksy?


Well, let me put it like this. You’ve never seen me and Banksy in the same room, have you? (Makes a winky face)


More on this story as it breaks.


Basing a Marvel movie on Nabokov’s controversial novel Lolita was always going to be a tricky proposition but thankfully, director Titur Birkenhead (In Search of the Village People) handles the subject matter with such deftness and subtlety that you almost don’t notice that this fun and furious fantasy film about a Norse God is an examination of the relationship between a middle aged literary professor and a 12-year-old girl.

Thor plays Chris Hemsworth, an Australian actor in the midst of a long and protracted acid trip in which he wields a magic flying hammer and fires lightning bolts, usually in the direction of his mischievous half-brother, Liam. At the climax of Chris Hemsworth: The Dark World, which was described by any critic not being forced to be nice about a film because the company that makes it advertises on their website as akin to dipping your genitals into an electric blender whilst simultaneously having your eyeballs scooped out by Freddy Kruger’s tetanus riddled claws, inside a volcano on a particularly bleak Monday morning, our hero chose to live on earth with his true love, Natalie Portman rather than follow his father, Hannibal Lecter and become the next ruler of Asgard. Fortunately, Hollywood is coming around to the idea that Natalie Portman is a bit boring and arrogant, and that her best movie was Leon 21 years ago and no matter how old she gets she looks like a schoolgirl dressed up in her mother’s clothes, so she’s not in it.

Along for the ride is Mark Gruffalo, who has that thousand-yard stare of a man that was  once forced to star opposite Keira Knightley. Jeff Goldblum playing Jeff Goldblum in a wizard’s costume and Tom Hiddleston, playing Tom Hiddleston in a wig.

It’s all great fun, probably. I can’t remember. I took two McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers in with me and I’m pretty sure the salt has degraded my frontal lobe.