MCU REBRANDED TO THE MARVEL CONTENT UNIVERSE

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock announcement, the name of the MCU is to be changed to the Marvel Content Universe in order to reflect its corporate rollout strategy. We spoke with the Marvel Content Universe impresario, Kevin Feige to discuss this latest development.


Kevin, Why Have You Rebranded To The Marvel Content Universe?

We wanted to make sure our consumers are fully aligned with our product output and are always using the latest version of our operating systems. By which I mean they are fully subscribed to Disney+, following our Instagram and TikTok accounts. Oh and also watching our movies. I guess people wanna do that also. But mainly they’ll need to keep up with our shows that are currently streaming on Disney+. Disney, the home of Marvel.

Can Fans Keep Up With Phase 4 If They Haven’t Watched All Of The Shows?

Yes, yeah, sure absolutely. And by that, I mean no. They haven’t got a fucking chance of knowing what the hell is going on if they have haven’t seen all our shows and just expect to understand what the fuck Dr. Strange is doing now. I produced all this bullshit and I can hardly understand it all.

But Why Change From Cinematic To The Marvel Content Universe?

You have seen some of our recent movies, haven’t you? I mean, Jesus H Christ all our Phase 4 movies make the Iron Man trilogy look like Kieslowski’s Three Colors trilogy. Would you call The Eternals cinematic? Would you?

Um, Well, It had Pacing Issues.

Pacing issues? You’re being very kind, but we all know that was a turd. Just a big old steaming turd. Besides, we got a sweet deal going with Disney+. The more crap we release directly on Disney+, the greater the percentage of subscription receipts for little old me. I know Thor: Love and Thunder will make truckloads of cash, but the Taika bubble is about to burst. We rode that pony for as long as we could. Then what? A Moon Knight movie? Gimme a break. Oh my god, what have I done with my life?

Thor: Love and Thunder Is Currently In Cinemas.

RYAN REYNOLDS TELLS TAIKA WAITITI: TONE IT DOWN A BIT

BREAKING NEWS – In a heart-felt plea to the New Zealand writer, director, actor and all-round quirky guy, Ryan Reynolds tells Taika Waititi to ‘tone it down a bit’. We spoke to meta-hilarious 4th wall breaking Reynolds why he wants Taika to calm it down.

So Ryan Reynolds, Why Have Told Taika Waititi To Tone It Down?

First things first, I just wanna say how much I love Taika [looks over his should and winks at a non-existent camera]. But before he suffers the same fate as me, I just think he should calm down the whole kooky, quirk thing. You know what I mean?

Who Were You Winking At?

Um, nobody. No-one at all.

Don’t Give Me That Bullshit, You Were Meta-Winking.

Ok, ok, alright. I was, I admit it. But this is exactly what I don’t want to happen to my buddy, Taika. I can’t stop it anymore. When I started breaking 4th walls and being meta, it was fun and fresh. But it’s grown old very quickly. Now look at me. Yeah sure, I make at least $20million a picture, but they’re all on fucking Netflix. Who gives a shit about that!

What’s Your Message To Taika?

Your early movies, Eagle Vs Shark, What We Do In The Shadows and even Hunt For The Wilderpeople, they had kook and quirk, yeah sure. But they also had real heart at the center of them. Get back to that heart, that humanity, man. Don’t end up like me. I accidentally saw the opening credits of Magnum P.I and all it took was his little wink and eyebrow thingy to camera, and I was hooked. This shit is worse than fucking crack, man. I just can’t quit [does a funny look over my shoulder].

You Just Did It Again, Didn’t You?

I’m beyond saving. It’s hopeless. It’s just gonna be never-ending sequels to Red Notice and The Hitman’s fucking whatever from here on in.

Thor: Love And Thunder Is Currently In Theatres