FAN WRITES LETTER TO TERRENCE MALICK ASKING HIM TO STOP

HOLLYWOOD – A fan has written Terrence Malick a letter asking him to stop making films.

With the release of Song to Song, Terrence Malick continues his race to the bottom with another star-studded wander fest. 75 year old Ayrton Conseesee – a lifelong Malick fan – felt moved to write the following letter:

Dear Mr. Malick,

I have been with you from the beginning. I remember the excitement I first felt when I saw your debut movie – Badlands – starring then unknown Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen. What amazing talent is this!? You turned a tawdry tale of a serial killer and his girl into a meditation on life and childhood and nature and America’s innocence. With Days of Heaven, we were once more in a period of American history and following the little known Richard Gere into a world of almost Greek tragedy. The film was stirring in the lyricism of its images and the beauty of the soundtrack.

Then came the hiatus at which point your reputation grew. The Thin Red Line showed that your power had not diminished. And even The New World gave us a new version of American innocence and its loss.

The problem seemed to start when you decided to swap history for autobiography and your innovations staled into traits.

Tree of Life was visually unbelievable but one occasionally longed to stop the ever moving camera and to allow the characters to actually speak to each other. To have dialogue. Without conventional blocking, your actors actually became more stilted as they wandered about not knowing quite where to stand.  Instead of bringing in fresh faces you were now able to command true star power with Brad Pitt. This didn’t always benefit the film. To the Wonder had Ben Affleck in it! Knight of Cups starred Christian Bale. It was like you were collecting Batmans. 

Song to Song has followed swiftly on and this is with a documentary in the middle, which I also saw. It looked like a reel they put in a TV store to convince you that 4K is worth selling a limb to buy. 

And now Song to Song. Please Mr. Malick would you stop making films. It’s like supporting a terrible football team. You know they’re going to lose but you have to watch anyway. Or buying a Bob Dylan album in the 80s. Which gives me hope. Maybe you can come back. Maybe you can do it again. But you need to ditch the voiceovers, block your actors and write a fricking script this time. 

Yours Sincerely.

A. Conseesee.

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TERRENCE MALICK DOCUMENTARY VOYAGE OF TIME ‘ALL ABOUT F*CKING’

HOLLYWOOD – Voyage of Time, the new Terrence Malick IMX documentary, is all about f*cking, it was revealed today.

It emerged today that the new Terrence Malick documentary Voyage of Time will be all about sex, shagging, bonking, banging, screwing and cunnilingus.

A source close to the reclusive filmmaker told the Studio Exec:

This is the sauciest you’ve ever seen Malick do.  Badlands and Days of Heaven had very little sex in them and what there was happened off screen. Likewise The Thin Red Line and Tree of Life. There was the tiniest bit in the New World but no one went to see that, but more recently he’s been getting into some internet porn and it has had an influence.

What kind of influence?

Well, aside from the fact he’s lost a lot of weight and he doesn’t read Heidegger anymore. He put some sex into To the Wonder and you should see the version of Knight of Cups that he wanted to release!

You mean he compromised his vision?

He listened to advice that said it would damage his reputation. But this new one is just wall to wall banging and screwing to the sounds of Arvo Part. It’s amazing. And over it Brad Pitt narrates a salacious commentary. Sometimes just repeating words which shouldn’t be rude but given the context suddenly become rude. Like ‘Elbow – marmalade – itch’. See what I mean?

Voyage of Time will be released in 2017.

TERRENCE MALICK: LOOK AT MY HATS

AUSTIN – People often say ‘Hey Terry, what’s with the motherf*cking hats?’ and I say ‘The f*ck you want? Get the f*ck out of my wardrobe! Get outta there ‘fore I kick yo ass!’ But you know – pon reflection – I kinda get the question so here’s an answer. If’n you want it.

Okay first off this photo of me (above) directing The Thin Red Line is f*cking iconic, don’t you think? Look at me rock that bad boy. I look like Indiana Mother-F*cking Jones, boo-ya! I got my tunes on my Sony Walkman (Cypress Hill, bitches). And I’m happy because I just saw Sean Penn step in a rabbit hole and break his ankle. Har-Har!

Now this photograph over here is my first ever film role. It was Badlands. I wanted to play Martin Sheen’s character. He’s such a bad actor. Really poor. And I was all like let me do it, but the studio were nervous cause it was my first film and they were all, ‘Hey Terry, wouldn’t it be best if you focused on directing this time out.’ Then they even cut my role here. It was three hours of screen time in the original. Assholes. Still the hat is a smooth little Panama number, which despite the name are actually made in Venezuela. HAT FACT!
 
 
Let me be clear about one thing: I don’t wear a hat cause I’m folically challenged, no. It’s because I’m as bald as a motherf*cker, is what it is. Look at that globe. I’m balder than Jennifer Lawrence’s knee cap. You can see in my eyes, I’m thinking ‘Where’s my Goddam hat?’ It’s obvious. 
 
 
Now this is just flat out embarrassing. Honestly, I have to hold my hand up and just say that was the day Woody Harrelson visited the set and I was stoned as a motherf*cker. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking there. I got my shades that Michael Jackson (a dear friend) gave me and I’m saying to Ryan Gosling, ‘Just wander round looking sad and we’ll fix it all in post’. He didn’t care. We got well and truly wasted that night.
 
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