THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Have you recently watched The Matrix Resurrections and was left thinking what the f**k was that all about? Never fear, The Studio Exec is here to guide you through the plot and events of the latest instalment in this binary baffling blockbuster franchise. So sit back, relax and take your red pill while we explain The Matrix Resurrections.

The Matrix Resurrections Explained

Ok, right. Where do we start? Neo isn’t dead and he’s back in The Matrix, only this time he’s the creator of The Matrix. No, wait, that’s not right. Let’s go back to the start. There’s a replay of the opening scenes from the original Matrix movie. But it’s not Trinity, well it kind of is but isn’t. And Agent Smith isn’t Agent Smith, but he kind of is. And then Morpheus isn’t Morpheus, but he kind of is… but isn’t. And they don’t need landlines anymore to get out, but do they? Are you following this so far? It’s really quite simple.

Woah Dude!

So Neo isn’t Neo anymore, he’s back to being Mr Anderson, but this time, there’s been a massive reboot deal kind of thing and now he wrote the original Matrix along with some really lazily written ‘gamer types’ because that’s not who this film is for anymore.

My Blue Pill Heaven

The Matrix is now for people in their 40s and 50s. They fill the massive child-shaped gap in their lives with ‘articles of truth’ that can only be found on Facebook and shitty parts of Twitter. They’ll happily explain to you how we’re all controlled by the ‘liberal mass media’. And The Matrix is a metaphor for this. They’ll usually be found at your cousin’s party (a friend of a friend, but nobody ever admits to directly being their friend) in the kitchen, opening everyone’s eyes and ignoring the knowing glances being exchanged by anyone who can hear the bullshit coming from them. But back to The Matrix Resurrections.

Café Neo

There’s a great deal of coffee drunk, longing stares and backwards looks while we all wait for the McGuffin to kick in and we can start watching them hammer the shit out of everything. Thankfully, there’s no 20 minute dance sequences in this one and this is more meta than an Interdimensional Cable episode of Rick and Morty. But beware, there’s no Ball Fondlers.

Fight Or Flight?

But then there’s a thing they have to fight for, and so begins all the Kapow! Thwap! Bang! Brum-bruuuum! And somehow there’s suicide bombers and lots of bullet time with Neo endlessly holding back bullets. The ending plays like a cross between the endings of Thelma and Louise and The Blues Brothers. And then that’s it. We wait for the numbers to kick in, to see if it’s worth making another or just flog it to death on next-gen consuls. Oh, I nearly forgot, who the f**k did that Rage Against The Machine cover at the end? If ever there was a reason to take the blue pill, that was it.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Currently In Cinemas

RIDLEY SCOTT TO DIGITALLY DE-AGE RIDLEY SCOTT

HOLLYWOOD – Blade Runner and Alien director Ridley Scott says he’s open to de-aging himself.

Thelma and Louise and White Squall director Ridley Scott could digitally de-age himself. Scott revealed in an EXCLUSIVE interview with the French magazine Chapeau that he would be willing to undergo digital de-aging.

Of course I would. Why not?

I thought it was a digital process that was only appropriate to actors.

So did I. Then I thought I want to have a go. Think about it. I’ve made so many good films, but the best ones were when I was a young man, or at least a younger man. I’d like to ahve that energy again and that originality. The last few years all I seem to do is try and remake my old successes. But if I could be young again, I’d break out into something really different.

Like what?

The Duellists 2. Harvey Kietel and David Carradine de-aged, me de-aged, we’ll even de-age Vangelis and get him to do the music.

The revolutionary process involves 3D printing the subject and then having the original killed to avoid legal wrangles. The only center that currently operates legally is in Zurich, Switzerland and is run by Christopher Nolan’s brother Jonathan.

The Duellists 2 will be released in 2018.

BRAD PITT LOOKS TERRIBLE

PARIS – At a charity event in Paris, reclusive actor Brad Pitt made a rare appearance which has caused ripples of what passes for concern among the celebrity community.

Brad Pitt has long been a sponsor of the charity Medicine Sans Chapeau – or Doctors without Hats – so it was no surprise when he turned up to a charity gala in the heart of Paris to support the group who do sterling bare headed work in many war zones in Switzerland and elsewhere. However, eagle-eyed celebrity watchers were aghast at the physical state of the Seven and Fight Club star.

Marcus deGroot had this to say:

We know that the last few years have been hard for Brad. Fury was okay but we haven’t really seen him out and about and the rumors have gone round that Angelina Jolie is harvesting his blood to feed her ever widening brood. Of course we dismissed such spite as nothing more than bitter piffle. The worst kind, you’ll agree but when he was wheeled in surrouned by large black women we couldn’t believe our eyes. This was not the young buck that Geena Davis had bedded in Thelma and Louise all those years ago. No, this was a dry husk of a man. As if Jolie had planted a man straw in the cranium and sucked out all his vitality soup.

Brad Pitt appeared at the event dressed in a beautiful Armani cardigan and suit with Versace slippers and a Ralph Lauren pair of dentures. Others claimed that the photographic evidence of the event was merely a hastily found still from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but this could not be confirmed or denied at the time of publication.

Brad Pitt will next appear in Lust of a Vampire.

RIDLEY SCOTT BUYS BACK DVDS

HOLLYWOOD – In an unexpected but enormously generous move, Ridley Scott has offered to buy back all non-Director’s Cut DVDs of any of his films.

The move comes after years of criticism that Scott has received for releasing the theatrical cut of a film only to be followed months later by a purportedly definitive director’s cut, causing many fans to shell out twice.  

I know it’s a little late, but better late than never. I realized I’d effed it up. You see, Kingdom of Heaven, the theatrical cut was pretty ropey and so you practically had to buy the director’s cut and then there’s Black Hawk Down, The Counselor, Robin Hood and for Blade Runner you have about sixteen cuts, more or less. So what I’m offering is this: if you’ve bought both, then bring them to my house in West Hollywood. Come round the back and knock on the glass cause sometimes we don’t hear the bell. I’ll let you in and pay you back for the one you don’t want. No questions asked.

Is the offer open to people who want to return Prometheus?

I didn’t do a director’s cut of Prometheus.

But still…

Well, okay. Why not? After all, its only money. Right? 

Ridley Scott’s new film Exodus: the Bob Marley Story will be released in 2015. 

MICHAEL MADSEN: TARANTINO LEAK MEA CULPA

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Madsen has given an extraordinary confession to the Studio Exec following the leaking of Quentin Tarantino‘s new script The Hateful Eight onto the internet and the director’s shelving of the project.

‘Yeah, it was me,’ said Madsen. ‘And I’d do it again tomorrow.’

Initially suspicion had fallen on Bruce Dern and the agency that represents him, but both issued vehement denials. Tim Roth, Tarantino asserted, was in the clear, because the Django director knew for a fact that Roth had been working as an undercover cop for the past thirty years. That only left Madsen, who came into the Studio Exec office to make his full confession. 

Initially, the Reservoir Dogs actor sounded defiant:

I did it, yeah. I told Quentin, either I read it or I don’t, or I’ll put it on the internet or I won’t. He just laughed. I was kinda warning him, but he didn’t care. If he hadn’t done what I warned him not to do, he’d still have a film.

What’s the script about it?

It’s about a girl who’s very sensitive she’s been f*cked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who’s really sensitive.

Whoa, ain’t that ‘Like a Virgin’?

I told Quentin. I said “Listen kid. I’m not going to bullshit you, all right? I don’t give a good f*ck what you say or what you don’t say, I’m gonna leak the script onto the internet anyway. Not for profit. But cos it’s amusing, to me, to leak a Quentin Tarantino script onto the internet.” QT was just laughing is head off. “Great Mike, stay in character,” he said.

 Has Tarantino been in touch?

He phoned me and got a little angry, talking about legal ramifications and stuff but I just told him. “Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?” Then he got really mad.

So now that the film looks cancelled what are your plans?

I’ve got loads of offers and possibilities. You think that I can’t get any work except in Tarantino pictures? Is that what you’re implying? I was in Thelma and Louise Goddam it! I was in Species! [Incoherent sobbing] Oh Sweet Jesus, what have I done? What have I done?

 What are you doing with that razor?

 Now hold still, you f*ck. Hold still.     

The Hateful Eight will be released in 2015.

RIDLEY SCOTT RULES OUT THELMA AND LOUISE 2

HOLLYWOOD – He might be gumming up the Alien universe with his Prometheus films and he might be up for Blade Runner 2, but Ridley Scott is absolutely adamant there will not be a sequel to his 1991 girls on the run movie Thelma and Louise.

The White Squall director seemed surprised at the question. ‘No, I don’t have any plans to revisit that story,’ he told the Danish bacon monthly, Swine. ‘I think the ending that we shot was pretty … well … conclusive.’
However Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon both have expressed a wish to return to the characters. Sarandon told the New York Frisbee:

I don’t see why not. We’ve had prequels before and I think knowing what happens to there characters would add a tragic luster to the film and also. Obviously I would be more than happy to Louise once more.

Davis however seemed to be suggesting a slightly different approach. 

Okay what we see at the end seems fairly clear. The car… okay? But we never see it actually land and so there are a number of possible options. I’m thinking it could have got caught in a bush, or it could reach the other side. Or maybe they had parachutes. Shucks! With digital technology you can do anything these days.

Callie Khouri – the original screenwriter – has already written several drafts for a possible sequel and brushes off Scott’s apparent reluctance: ‘When Ridley reads what I’ve done – sending Thelma off to space as a kind of Jesus alien figure – I’m sure he’ll come round.’

However, the project, if it ever happens, will certainly have to wait as Ridley Scott already has a full dance card, what with the new Prometheus film, Blade Runner 2 as well Somebody to Watch Over Me 2 and 1493 all slated for production in the next two years. 

Thelma and Louise 2 might still be released in 2015.  

    

RIDLEY SCOTT ABANDONS IMPROV FOR PROMETHEUS SEQUEL


HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has declared that he will not be using improvisation for the Prometheus sequel, breaking with a tradition established since the very beginning of his career. 

‘I’ve hired writers,’ said the White Squall director. ‘I know a lot of purists are going to be mad at me but after what happened last time it just occurred to me it’d be better if someone wrote everything down BEFORE we started filming.’

The UK born director has been famous in Hollywood for his radical improvisation techniques. Harrison Ford had a huge falling out with Scott on the set of Blade Runner, as he explained in his autobiography Just A Carpenter Like Jesus:

fed up

I turned up on the first day of filming and we all stood in a circle. We had no script, no story, no idea. Then Ridley just went round the circle, pointing at each of us in turn and saying ‘You’re a robot, you’re not, robot, robot, not a robot.’ It wouldn’t be so bad but with me he couldn’t decide. And then he said ‘go!’ Me and Sean [Young] just looked at each other and thought oh oh.

As the years went on, Scott’s technique became ever more radical. But some actors found the experience liberating. Susan Sarandon praised Scott for giving actors such a creative role.

‘I’m just going to drive off the cliff,’ I said. He shrugged. ‘Do what you have to do!’ And that was Thelma and Louise.

 However, some argue that after the shambles of Prometheus, the director is right to resort to a written screenplay. Michael Fassbender remembers the confusion on set. 

Actors were doing whatever they wanted to do. ‘I’m going to take my helmet off!’ ‘I’m going to treat this weird xenomorph snake like it is a cuddly mouse’. The worse point was Guy Pearce turning up and he’d done his own make up and everything. ‘You’re character’s supposed to be dead,’ Ridley said. ‘I don’t care,’ said Pearce and just got in front of the camera and wouldn’t move.

The Prometheus sequel is due to start filming later this year.