ACTOR GETS THE OBITUARY HE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Massee is dead at the age of 61.

The cause of death has not been released but the passing is obviously premature and Massee was a wonderful character actor who was one of those distinctive presences that audiences always remember even if they don’t necessarily glom to his name straight away. He starred in approximately 80 TV shows and movies, including Seven, Lost Highway, The Amazing Spider-Man, 24, The X-Files and The Blacklist.

His passing was marked by the following headlines.

Variety: Michael Massee, ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee, Dies at 61

Deadline: Michael Massee Dies: Brandon Lee’s Accidental Shooter On ‘The Crow’

Hollywood Reporter: Michael Massee Dead: ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee

And so it goes.

Masse was involved in the accidental shooting of Brandon Lee. It was an accident that he wasn’t responsible for and that he suffered as result of, withdrawing from acting for some years following the incident. That his death should be headlined in such a way is tasteless and prurient. His whole life summed up by the worst possible day in his life to feed clickbait and improve SEO scores.

Shame on you.

RIP Michael Masse.

THE WALTONS REMAKE GOES TO NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Classic TV show The Waltons is to be revived for Netflix, it was announced today.

Following the news recent remakes of cult TV shows – The X-Files and the forthcoming Twin Peaks – it was no surprise that Walton Mountain is to be revisited with a new season to drop sometime next year on Netflix. The Waltons followed the adventures of the Walton family, a poor but honest brood of innumerable members who lived in the Virginia mountains during the Great Depression. With Ma and Pa, the grandparents and the seven children, the Waltons would have weekly episodes in which something deeply moral was learned. The eldest son John Boy Walton would grow up to be a novelist and he would narrate the opening and close of the show, often giving the moral and what was learned. ‘Goodnight, John Boy’ was the much loved sign off until in 1981, it was heard for the last time.

Netflix released a statement about the new show:

The time has come to revisit The Waltons and Netflix is proud to announce a reboot of the show. This hourly drama series will star Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as Ma and Pa Walton. Caitlyn Jenner will play Grandma and Aziz Anzari as John Boy Walton. With a new cast and writing team, The Waltons will be a loving recreation of the original set in the same period, but will also confront issues of gender identity and racial intolerance. Bryan Cranston as a KKK Grand Wizard looks set to be one of the most terrifying villains on TV.

The Waltons: A New Beginning will drop sometime in 2017.

GILLIAN ANDERSON NOT ALLOWED TO TRAVEL WITH DAVID DUCHOVNY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news that Gillian Anderson was offered only half the pay of co-star for The X-Files reboot, it has emerged that she was also subject to a whole series of indignities.

A source close to the Chris Carter TV show The X-Files has EXCLUSIVELY told the Studio Exec that the different treatment of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny went further than pay differentials.

Almost every aspect of production was unfairly skewed against Gillian Anderson. When we were on location, a car would pick up Duchovny but Gillian Anderson was given a bicycle with The X-Files written on it. For lunch David Duchovny has lobster and his own Italian chef whereas Gillian got vouchers for the local Subway.

That’s disgusting.

I know and don’t even get me started about the drinking fountains.

Didn’t Duchovny say anything?

He was really upset when he heard about it and the next day Gillian got vouchers for Burger King.

The X-Files is currently being broadcast.

BEN CARSON TO GUEST HOST THE X-FILES

HOLLYWOOD – Following Donald Trump’s guest hosting stint on Saturday Night Live, rival presidential hopeful Ben Carson has announced he will be guest hosting a special edition of The X-Files.

Ben Carson will be guest hosting a special episode of The X-Files in direct response to Donald Trump’s hosting of SNL last weekend. Dr. Carson spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about his appearance which is due to air at the weekend:

It is going to be the best thing ever. I have always been a fan of The X-Files. It is one of the best documentary series on television and I’m very much looking forward to meeting Agents Scully and Mulder and discussing some of their most interesting discoveries.

I’m sorry Dr. Carson, did you say documentary? You know the X-Files is a fiction series with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson playing those roles.

Indeed I did say documentary and as for all that other stuff you said, it sounds like you’re just talking in tongues. Which can happen. Of course, I know that they have a certain license when it comes to some of their more elaborate re-enactments, but everything you see is essentially proven fact.

I see. What are you going to be doing on the show?

Well, the episode is really interesting. We will be looking for Egypt’s hidden grain. We know it was in the pyramids because that’s where Joseph in his wisdom put it. You can read that in the Bible. But where is it now? Did people eat it? Did they move it to the Eiffel Tower where it all fell out and then blew away in the French wind? Or – and this would be my pet theory – did aliens come down to Earth and steal it, using it as a form of bio-fuel in their flying saucer pots? Were these the same aliens that left us with Donald Trump and Tom Cruise to contend with? The truth is out there.

It sounds unlikely.

I’ve got a knife.

You win. 

I figured so.

The X-Files starring Ben Carson will be broadcast on Saturday on Fox.