DARREN ARONOFSKY AND DAVID FINCHER FOUND ALIVE AND WELL AFTER HAVING GOT LOST IN THE WOODS

HOLLYWOOD – Film directors Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher have been rescued alive and well from the Appalachian Trail which they had begun two years ago.

Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky and his best pal Seven director, David Fincher yesterday emerged from the woods in Georgia. They were dehydrated and hungry, but otherwise in good health.

Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher decided to embark on the Appalachian trail in 2014, following the release of Fincher’s Gone Girl, an adaptation of the best seller by Gillian Flynn. However, friends of the pair became concerned when the two film directors failed to contact anyone for six months. A friend of the pair told Studio Exec:

The boys had wanted to do this trail for years. But I was always worried, because neither one of them is particularly capable. I remember David telling Darren, ‘The first rule of the Appalachian Trail is you don’t take a map of the Appalachian Trail.’ I thought that was dumb. I was hoping that Darren would have more sense, but then again he did think Noah would be a hit, so what does he know, right?

 According to Aronofsky, problems began almost immediately:

We set off but whenever I asked David about a decision – putting up the tent, lighting a camp fire, orienteering – he just kept telling me that he’d fix it in post with CGI.

However, Fincher also criticized his companion:

Darren is a wonderful friend, but he isn’t very practical. He kept haring off into the woods looking for what he called ‘the cure for death’. I think it was something Natalie Portman had told him about.

A Walk in the Woods 2 will be released in 2018.

MICKEY ROURKE’S FACE FALLS OFF

MIAMI – The Wrestler and Rumble Fish actor Mickey Rourke was rushed to hospital last night after his face fell off.

The actor was at a Miami Beach restaurant I Love Sushi when fellow diners noticed his face slipping.

An eyewitness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It was the weirdest thing I ever saw. He had finished his noodle soup with green peppers and was starting on his sushi, when suddenly Steve Guttenberg, who was eating opposite him, said ‘Mickey, Mickey your eyes!’

A shocked Guttenberg spoke on the phone:

 Where his eyes were there were these lumps of skin and his nose had just gone all squishy. At first I didn’t know what was happening and then – like an avalanche of tired old flesh – it just all went schlupp and landed in his sushi platter. Mickey didn’t seem to be in any pain. He just looked at me and smiled that crooked little smile of his and then called for a towel. It was typical Mickey. Only he would choose a sushi restaurant in Miami Beach.

Rourke reportedly toweled off the sticky mixture of gore and fixing paste to reveal his shocking new face, which looks remarkably similar to how he looked in 1988. A spokesperson for Rourke commented:

There is no need for panic this happens about every twenty years to Mickey. He sheds his skin you know. Like a snake. Or xenomorph. Mickey is in no pain and is in fact delighted. He’s sure that now he will get some different roles and won’t have to demean himself with that Whiplash bullshit he had to do in Iron Man 2.

Mickey Rourke will be appearing in Diner 2: McDonald’s in 2019.

MICKEY ROURKE IN RAGING BULL SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – The first pictures from the long awaited Raging Bull 2: The Moscow Tour have hit the internet, showing Mickey Rourke in action in the ring.

A sequel to the Robert de Niro/Martin Scorsese classic Raging Bull, the picture sees Jake La Motta (Mickey Rourke) travelling to Russia to fight a series of exhibition bouts and in the process foil a plot by the Russian Mafia to start World War 3.

Director Darren Aronofsky reuniting with Rourke following their success with The Wrestler spoke to The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We thought this version was going to be a much lighter piece than we did before. But at the same time I have a lot of respect for Scorsese’s original, especially Paul Schrader’s screenplay. Truly magnificent. He really made it real. So in a way will I. We’ve got Mickey actually touring Russia now and fighting real bouts. We’re stealing a lot of footage from this and we’re going to incorporate it into the film. As much as I like the original I think you’ll find RB2: The Moscow Tour will improve on it.

How so?

Well, for starters it’s in color. I haven’t got a clue what Scorsese was thinking about, but black and white? What a stupid idea!

But Pi, your debut film was in black and white.

Shut up. And Mickey Rourke as an actor is much better than Robert de Niro. In the way that Hugh Jackman is vastly superior to Brad Pitt.

Okay.

And as a writer I’m better than Mr. Schrader. Though I do respect him. But everything can be improved upon. And yes, that includes the Bible.

Raging Bull 2: The Moscow Years will be released in 2016.

MICKEY ROURKE SIGNS ON FOR POPE BIOPIC

ROME – Italian director Liliana Cavani has announced a new film biopic of the latest Pope, Pope Francis the First or  Jorge Mario Bergolgio starring Mickey Rourke. 

Francesco is seen by many as being a possible second come back for Mickey Rourke, star of Iron Man 2. The film will tell the story of the newest and 266th pontiff from his humble beginnings as the son of an immigrant to vast wealth, political power and importance, through humility and homophobia and back to banning contraception and covering up pedophilia.

Mickey Rourke says that is has been easy to prepare for the role.

It was a bit like The Wrestler what with the tanning and steroids and all. But I think I’ve done a fairly good job. And Liliana is Italian so she’s been helping me with the Argentinian. If Penn doesn’t go gay, I think I have a chance of winning something this year. 


Of course, we all know Penn will go gay, so that part isn’t going to happen, but Mickey – to cover his bases – has had this publicity shot of him cosying up to a man (pictured left) published as an obvious sop to the LGBT community of the academy.

Francesco will be in cinemas within 47 seconds.