SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME CONFIRMED BY MARVEL

BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.

Spiderman No Place Like Home

The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.

Oh Boy

By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.

The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West

But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.

Bonophobia

The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS

HOLLYWOOD TO INTRODUCE COMPULSORY DOPE TESTS

HOLLYWOOD – The Producer’s Guild today welcomed news that an industry wide dope testing authority – similar to that used in competitive sport – is going to be introduced in the Fall.

The Entertainment Industry Controlled Substances Agency will be self-funded by contributions from the studios it will regulate and will carry out random drugs tests, as well as annual mandatory tests to anyone currently involved in the film making and television business.

Matt Hoebord of the Producers Guild said:

For too long have people been taking drugs willfully and gaining an advantage on those of us who prefer clean living and Christian values. If we could take away Oscars retrospectively from those who made them films on drugs, the winners’ board would look a lot different. The Wizard of Oz for instance…!? 

 Although some voiced concern about a breach in civil liberties and even the death of certain Hollywood traditions such as driving while smoking a crack pipe along Sunset Boulevard, the news has largely been welcomed. Charlie Sheen said:
This is really going to take the pressure off. The film making and TV shows and what not really bite into your drug schedule. This way, I’ll be able to devote my time doing what I love without distraction. And being doing what I love I mean ‘winning’.
Answering critics who said the new authority will stifle creativity Hoebard replied:

A similar authority has been up and running in the music industry since the late eighties and no one, no one has noticed a drop of quality in… the … okay wait that’s a bad example. 

Lance Armstrong – who was set to star in Expendables 4 – issued a two word press release:

F*ck sandwich. 

For more Movie News, Click Here.