HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. M. Night Shyamalan here.

Or you can call me M. Like the Fritz Lang movie.
No one?
Aside from being a ‘genius’ film maker, I also like to drink heavily.
So here come my cocktail recipes, and yes! Every single one comes with its own special twist.

M.’s Manhattan Village


  • 2 oz whisky
  • 1/2 oz  sweet vermouth
  • 2-3 dashes Angostura Bitters
  • Maraschino cherry for garnish


  1. Pour the ingredients into a mixing glass with ice cubes.
  2. Stir. 
  3. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
  4. Garnish with the cherry.
  5. Sacrifice an innocent to the hooded man until your Williams Hurt.

The Absixthe Sense


  • 3 tablespoons (1 1/2 ounces) absinthe
  • 1/2 to 3/4 cup (4 to 6 ounces) cold Champagne or sparkling wine



  1. Pour chilled champagne into fluted glass.
  2. Add absinthe.
  3. Realize that no one alive can hear you or talk to you and the only people you can talk to are dead or creepy children. 
  4. Realize you are dead also.
  5. Repeat.
The Happening


  • 1 bucket of beer
  • 2 pints of bile strained from a homeless person

    ‘I wish I’d never been born’
  • A large dog turd for garnish (Mark Wahlberg will work if available)
  1. Add beer and bile.
  2. Shake vigorously.
  3. Garnish with turd/Wahlberg
  4. Wish that you had never been born.


HOLLYWOOD – Famed thriller director M. Night Shyamalan has revealed his latest twist but it isn’t for a movie, it’s for his entire career.

M. Night Shyamalan has revealed that there was a reason for the critical failure of his last few films as he spoke about his new film After Earth, starring the family Smith and due out in 2013.

‘I sat down when I was starting out my career and plotted it like I would a film,’ said The Airbender as he prefers to be called. ‘I start with some good movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and even Signs. Then here comes The Village which is like a swerve ball. People suddenly go woah! what’s this?’

M. Night is laughing so hard he can’t speak. ‘Oh, dear,’ he gasps. ‘Then I do The Happening which I completely Wahlberg, and people are like, is this the same guy? Then the Giametti one, I can’t even remember what it was called. Then Airbender which puked like Justin Bieber on the original series. And that’s it, right? Reputation well and truly in tatters? And then comes After Earth and bang. He’s got game. The twist ending. Good director becomes shitty and then boom back again. And you’re on your back.’

Shyamalan claims he modelled his career on the story of Cinderella Man. However, Roger Ebert has pointed out that Ron Howard’s boxing film came out in 2005 and Shyamalan ‘was already making us collectively eat his shit sandwiches in 1998 with the mercifully forgotten Rosie O’Donnell comedy Wide Awake.’