INTERNATIONAL SPOILER LAW PASSED

BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.

 

International spoiler law passed and not before time

With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.

 

No Time To Spoil

With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.

 

Death by cancellation

The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.

 

Free Guy spoilers

Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.

 

We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!

With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”

 

KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS PREQUEL GETS A TITLE: SOZE RISING

HOLLYWOOD – Bryan Singer has confirmed that he will be directing a prequel to his break through hit The Usual Suspects, provisionally entitled Soze.

Christopher McQuarrie today admitted he has finished the first draft of a prequel to The Usual Suspects and Bryan Singer is signed up to direct. Soze Rises will tell the story of master criminal, arch-villain and manipulator as a young man.

We want to see how Kayser Soze becomes Kayser Soze. Originally the idea was that perhaps Verbal had invented the story the way he had invented almost everything else. But then we began to wonder about what if Kayser was real and the Verbal was Kayser and what would happen. So first I wrote about him and what happened to his family. How he killed his family first and then went after all his enemies, but then we decided to go back even further. We’re gonna see the beginning of the career of a sociopath, a modern day Moriarty. And we’re gonna see him in school.

Kevin Spacey has agreed to play a cameo and there is a chance that other cast members might have their own prequel movies.

McQuarrie continued:

Benicio Del Toro and Gabriel Byrne have both been on the phone asking me if they will get prequels too. But we made that film over twenty years ago. The nature of the prequel would be that they would have to be younger and not older. Having said that, I would love to go back and see where those characters came from. What made them get to the stage that they are at when The Usual Suspects begins.

Soze Rises will be released in 2018.

MAX HEADROOM: THE MOTION PICTURE

LONDON – Max Headroom – the cult British TV film from 1985 – is finally going to get a big screen makeover in the capable hands of Sam Mendes and starring House of Cards chameleon Kevin Spacey.

The original film featured Matt Frewer playing a journalist, Edison Carter, in a dystopian future who investigates why couch potatoes are exploding while watching television. After an accident, Carter  is computerized and becomes the titular Max Headroom, a wisecracking TV host who helps boost ratings.

The original film was directed by Rocky Morton and Annabel  Jankell, the creative team guilty for  Super Mario Bros – widely regarded as one of the best films ever made. Max Headroom was entirely remade as a TV show with all the weird gory bits removed, but alas to little success.

The Motion Picture version has long been a dream of Sam Mendes,who hopes to follow up his success at rejuvenating 007 with yet another resurrection:

When I was making American Beauty me and Kevin Spacey would yak about how great it would be to make Max Headroom rather than waste our lives on the arse wipery that was American Beauty, that stinking bucket of sewer soup made film.

Spacey also marks his love of Max Headroom as an inspiration.

As a young boy, with nary an idea in my head as to what to do with myself, Max Headroom represented more than a character. It was the possibility to transform myself into a totally different being. You want to know who Kaiser Soze is? Max Headroom is Kaiser Soze.

Max Headroom is due to be released on April 17th, 2021.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 23. BRYAN SINGER

MALIBU – Apt Pupil and X-Men director, Bryan Singer limps into the sun-drenched brunch bar with a weary expression and slumps down to a bowl of handcrafted Cheerios. He eyes me and then the wall behind me and then he says ‘Coffee!’

So Bryan, you recently came out with the news that you would be directing X-Men Apocalypse after X-Men: Days of Future Past. How do the films relate?

Back when I was picking beans in Guatamala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I’m in a brunch bar. 

You don’t like the coffee?

I’ll probably shit blood tonight.

Why don’t you drink some juice? Or water?

Maybe. I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I’m not kidding, all thick and gooey.

Jesus Christ!

I know, I know.

So the X-Men…?

You’re tense, Chad. You know tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. There was this baritone whose name was Kip Diskin. Big fat guy. I mean, like orca fat. 

How do you feel about the success of Man of Steel after the failure of Superman Returns?

Zach Snyder… The man… He becomes a myth. A spook story directors tell their children at night. ‘Mess with my  lenses and Zach Snyder will get you.’ 

What about your work on House? Do you have plans for other TV shows? Do you see yourself more as Bryan Singer the film director, or Bryan Singer the show runner?

Who is Bryan Singer? He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say my father was German. Nobody believes I’m real. Nobody sees me or works directly for me. You never knew. That is my power.

Now you’re going to tell me the greatest trick…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…

Was convincing the world…

He never existed.

Right.

That your car  out front?

Yeah.

Hand me the motherfucking keys, cocksucker!

And with that (pffff!) he was gone.  

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