HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knows Terrence Malick is a genius, but no one knows why.
The Studio Exec FACT Squad have spent the weekend listening to whispering voice-overs and cavorting around wheat fields during the magic hour. The Terrence Malick FACTS are as follows:
1. Between the release of Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998), Terrence Malick opened up a meat providing business called Malick’s Meats, which provided restaurants with high quality meat substances, pastes, salami, burgers and sausages. However, in 1995 Malick sickened by the stench of blood and endless killing – which he would participate in personally donning a special slaughtering apron that made his torso look like the Venus di Milo – he decided to return to film making.
2. Although he has a reputation as a recluse, Terry is actually a party animal whose favorite tipple is Jagermeister. His contract stipulates a constant supply of Jagermeister which he drinks via a feeding pipe that is hidden in his hat. His love of hats is legendary, with the director appearing as April in a free calendar given to French readers of the January 1985 edition of Chapeau.
3. Malick’s reputation as a philosopher is unearned. He doesn’t like reading and when asked about Heidegger told the interviewer that he didn’t watch much soccer.
4. Many actors credit Malick with offering them valuable career advice. Richard Gere, Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen all won early fame in Malick’s films. Jim Caviezel would pester Malick incessantly about what role he should take after The Thin Red Line. ‘Jesus Christ!’ the director finally exploded and Caviezel took him at his word.
5. The quality of each Terrence Malick film goes down in inverse proportion to the number of editors who work on the film. Badlands = 1 editor. To the Wonder = 5 editors. Knight of Cups = 243 editors.
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HOLLYWOOD – Terrence Malick’s new film The Singer Stepped Out is directly influenced by the career of his son Zayn Malik who recently left the ‘pop’ group One Direction.
The garrulous filmmaker and director of such films as The Thin Red Line and The Tree of Life Terrence Malick is to make a new film based on his son Zayn Malik’s singing career. Malick spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the venture:
It is going to be unlike anything I’ve ever done before. It’s not going to have a voice-over! And it’s actually a musical. But all that aside, it’s just great to have an opportunity to work with Zayn after years of being estranged.
What was the cause of the estrangement?
Well, I have always been a genius film director, but I guess I wasn’t always the best father in the world. I used to whisper a lot to him about nature and the soul and I guess kids just want to play Nintendo and have fun. For a while there he was very angry. So much so he even changed the way he spelled his name to a new trendy fashion without the ‘c’, but his career took off and we would find ourselves booked on the same talk shows.
Who had the idea?
We both came to a juncture in our careers. To the Wonder and Knight of Cups were greeted by audiences with the same warmth as you’d get offering urine samples in champagne flutes. Zayn had left One Direction and was at a loose end and we got talking about his career and we said why not? I think it’s going to be groovy to see our two audiences come together. Many of whom don’t even know we’re related. Zayn will play himself and Val Kilmer is on board to play Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling is playing Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman is playing Christian Bale. Mickey Rourke, Rachel Weisz and Adrien Brody are in it as well but we’ll cut them out. We always do. It’s kind of a tradition
Will any other One Direction members participate in the film?
That sack of talentless shits! No way.
The Singer Stepped Out will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas has had them, Peter Jackson has had them and now it is the turn of Terrence Malick.
I’m talking fan films. Just as the Phantom Menace and more recently the Hobbit have been re-edited and re-imagined by enthusiastic fans who dare to second think the genius of their original creators, so it is time for Mr. Malick’s works to be taken out of his hands. The Studio Exec would like to appeal to anyone out there with the basic software and skills to make a series of fan film versions of Mr. Malick’s latest work. We’re not asking for excessive editing, or narrative manipulation. There’s no Jar Jar Binks to get rid of, it’s just … well… take out the voice overs.
All of them, take them all out. It is our contention that The New World, The Tree of Life and To The Wonder would all be vastly improved by an absence of voice over. I’d even be curious to see what The Thin Red Line, Badlands and Days of Heaven would play like. I have a feeling that the luscious visuals, the swaying camera, the ‘visual poetry’ would be all more bearable without the platitudes and Heidegger, the endless irritating whispering. I might be wrong but it would be really interesting to see.
If anyone is up for it, we can publicize your efforts on the site and repay you with sloppy wet kisses and potentially life destroying legal problems.
Who shall take up the gauntlet?
A new column by Tree of Life director, Terrence Malick begins with a reply to his critics.
YO yo yo yo! Motherfckers, Lissen up. Terrence Malick in da Badlands. The Knight of Cups Baby! Tha’s Right. His true self. Gonna lay some goddam TRUTH on yo punk asses. So lissen and LEARN.
Some Bitches been goin round sayin I been doin too many voiceovers and not enough dialogue an’ shit. You goddam assholes better shut yo noise or I’m gonna kick yo sorry asses To the Wonder. You feel me motherfckers? Three Thin Red Lines be coming out three motherfcking bullet holes bro, you don’t stop yo bullshit.
And David Denby of The New Yorker gonna tell me To the Wonder is ‘trivial narcissism’? You lissen up Denby, I’ll introduce you to The New World, The New World of Pain motherfcker!
And Michael O’Sullivan at the Washington Post says the story ‘isn’t compelling’? I’ll compel him up the ass with a Goddam UZI!
And A.O. Scott of The New York Times says the film ‘paves the way to puzzlement, not awe’? Well, you lissen carefully now: you can just shut up. Yeah, I said it.
So pull up the Jagermeisters and sit yo asses down while I lay it out. I do my shit the way I do my shit cos of my keen perception of what Martin Heidegger called Dasein, being that knows it is being, and my hope is to escape that and somehow capture an opening to the actual being in a world of things and how that relates to an openness to God but not a doctrinal and narrow deity, but rather a God grasped in the magic of being and the brief moments – the magic hours – when the perception of this can be most readily achieved, even when it is at its most transitory, motherfckers.
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