WRITER OF TOP MOVIE SATIRE WEBSITE TOO DEPRESSED TO THINK UP A POST ABOUT BULLSHIT

HOLLYWOOD – The election result has depressed leading Hollywood journalist Chad Sternberger that he can’t think of a hilarious post for website The Studio Exec.

Donald Trump has been elected President and there ain’t nothing we can do about that shit. Forget any hope of the electoral college revolting or demonstrations in the street, or an impeachable crime being proved in the next 48 hours. January 20th Donald Trump will be inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States of America. Consequences with NATO, China, Russia, the environment, racial minorities, women, the LGBTQ community and the healthcare system are all important but even more so has been the disruption the tycoon’s election has also caused right here, at the Studio Exec bungalow. Chad Sternberger is usually a prodigious writer, spinning yarns from within the Hollywood miasma, reporting the latest buzz on the sly and coming up with hilarious quips, but it’s been two days we’ve not heard from him. He left his wordpress page open and so I dragged myself in to write a post under his byline.

I did manage to talk to him on the phone and he had this to say EXCLUSIVELY:

What’s the fucking point? Who gives a shit about Peter Jackson remaking Schindler’s List with orcs instead of Nazis? Who cares that Gary Oldman is playing Winston Churchill’s upper half while Daniel Day-Lewis is playing him from the waist down? It all seems so fricking meaningless now. Did you see who he’s appointing to the EPA? You know that the planet is basically Game Over? Right?

We tried to persuade Chad to come in but it looks like he needs some encouragement. After all, in these dark times we need movie-based satire more than ever before. Think how movie satire in Berlin in 1937 stopped the Nazis in their tracks. Not for long granted, but we didn’t have memes then so we could only do so much. Think of how movie based satire dismantled Apartheid and the Berlin Wall. How it put a man on the moon. Please share this post so we can show the numbers to Chad and make him realize that if he doesn’t come in soon I Toby Hillerton, the intern, will soon have his job!

All Hail Plankton!

THE STUDIO EXEC TEAM

HOLLYWOOD – Everybody wants to know who the Studio Exec is … well nobody does really. But here are the team of idiots he exploits to do all the work.

Lenny Delowitz can turn a hand to anything as long as it is felonious, or at the least verging on the amoral. His stupendous ability to metabolize alcohol is only matched by almost psychotic need for love and affection and offend all who offer it to him. He wrote the novelization of Grease 2 and comes with 16 color illustrations in the middle of him.

Chad Sternberger is an extraordinarily talented writer and filmmaker whose film credits include Bridge of Spies: The T’Pau story and Jaws: the Best Bond Villain. As a youngster, he killed a man in Reno ‘just to watch him die’ but was released on the grounds that a literal interpretation of a Johnny Cash song is worth a man’s life. He lives with his son Sue.

The Pixel Factor is an artists collective made up of only one person, due to intense problems of physical hygiene. Wanted in several countries for copyright infringement, illegal dentistry and photo-shopping pictures of Kevin Bacon so that he doesn’t look strange, The Pixel Factor first joined the Studio Exec in 1977, shortly after the release of the original Star Wars movie. He is largely responsible for the graphic content of the site and the image at the top of the page is of he. He can be found on twitter here: @ThePixelFactor.

We are also on Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr.

STUPID EXPERIMENTS: BEING BRUCE WILLIS

October 6

I woke up with a hangover and remembered that the night before I’d created a fake Bruce Willis account on Twitter for no reason whatsoever. It’s such a pointless idea I don’t bother checking to see what I posted.

October 9

I’m finishing some work when I remember that three days previously I got drunk and set up a fake Bruce Willis account. I check in to see how many followers he’s got. About 50. I write some random tweet about an upcoming film. It gets no retweets. What a pisser.

October 10

I get a message on my phone that a guy has tweeted to my fake Bruce Willis. Turns out to be a guy that knows him who has written a script for Die Hard 6. He DMs me and ask how I am. I play along thinking that any moment he’s going to figure out I’m just some joker that created a fake Bruce Willis account. He keeps talking to me, I chance my arm and ask him to send me the Die Hard 6 script, he sends me a picture of a Die Hard Scrapbook instead. I tweet it out. It gets 1 retweet. I consider closing the account but I get distracted by a phone call.

October 13

I get a message on my phone. The guy has DM-ed me again. He’s keen, obviously no longer has a direct line to the man himself. I like the guy but it’s too late to reveal the wizard behind the curtain. I play along. He’s obviously suspicious and asks me questions which I manage to evade. I ask him again for the Die Hard script, he says he’ll consider it but he’s too unsure. Good for him. I sign off.

October 14

I’m on the Studio Exec twitter when I see a post about it being the 20th anniversary of Pulp Fiction. I consider doing an article when I remember the fake Bruce Willis and it occurs to me that if I post something out there, I might get a few retweets. I scan through google images and pick a photo of him and Tarantino on the set of Pulp Fiction and sign off to go for lunch.

5 minutes later

My phone keeps beeping. I check out the notifications and it says 10 people have retweeted the Willis/Tarantino picture. I continue eating lunch.

10 minutes later

My phone is now beeping every 10 seconds. I check again, 40 reweets. I continue eating lunch.

1 hour later

My iPhone has melted. I have to turn off the notifications as they’re going off every second. I disappear into the bathroom and check out twitter. It’s up to 200 retweets and 500 followers and I can’t work out why. I shrug and go for drinks.

12 hours later.

I wake up with a cruel and unusual hangover. I check my phone and see that the retweets peaked around 550. I pour a coffee and do a search on twitter when I come across a tweet from some journalist asking @theacademy if I’m the real Bruce Willis. I check out the Academy site and then I almost do a Chazz Palmanteri in The Usual Suspects and drop my coffee mug on the floor. The Academy retweeted the picture. I stare at the screen for about 5 minutes with my mouth open.

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The result

I got 1500 + followers and 600 retweets in about 24 hours. For the last week I’ve just been been trying to keep old Bruce going but this charade has two fatal flaws. Well, one fatal flaw. The first was that his wife is on Twitter and she posted that I was a fake which should, in a fair world have spelled the end put few read her tweets and people are still following, retweeting and messaging me as though I’m the real deal. The only flaw left is the twitter blue tick. You can fool some people without it, but most will just assume you’re a fraud unless you have it.

Conclusion

Don’t get drunk and open fake Bruce Willis accounts. You might get retweeted by some social media big shot but at the end of the day you’re still just some idiot on twitter pretending to be somebody you’re not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lunch date with Steven Spielberg and I’m already late.

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