BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.
International spoiler law passed and not before time
With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.
No Time To Spoil
With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.
Death by cancellation
The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.
Free Guy spoilers
Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.
We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!
With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”
KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.
HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. M. Night Shyamalan here.
Or you can call me M. Like the Fritz Lang movie.
Aside from being a ‘genius’ film maker, I also like to drink heavily.
So here come my cocktail recipes, and yes! Every single one comes with its own special twist.
M.’s Manhattan Village
- 2 oz whisky
- 1/2 oz sweet vermouth
- 2-3 dashes Angostura Bitters
- Maraschino cherry for garnish
- Pour the ingredients into a mixing glass with ice cubes.
- Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
- Garnish with the cherry.
- Sacrifice an innocent to the hooded man until your Williams Hurt.
The Absixthe Sense
- 3 tablespoons (1 1/2 ounces) absinthe
- 1/2 to 3/4 cup (4 to 6 ounces) cold Champagne or sparkling wine
- Pour chilled champagne into fluted glass.
- Add absinthe.
- Realize that no one alive can hear you or talk to you and the only people you can talk to are dead or creepy children.
- Realize you are dead also.
- 1 bucket of beer
- 2 pints of bile strained from a homeless person
|‘I wish I’d never been born’
- A large dog turd for garnish (Mark Wahlberg will work if available)
- Add beer and bile.
- Shake vigorously.
- Garnish with turd/Wahlberg
- Wish that you had never been born.
HOLLYWOOD – Famed thriller director M. Night Shyamalan has revealed his latest twist but it isn’t for a movie, it’s for his entire career.
M. Night Shyamalan has revealed that there was a reason for the critical failure of his last few films as he spoke about his new film After Earth, starring the family Smith and due out in 2013.
‘I sat down when I was starting out my career and plotted it like I would a film,’ said The Airbender as he prefers to be called. ‘I start with some good movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and even Signs. Then here comes The Village which is like a swerve ball. People suddenly go woah! what’s this?’
M. Night is laughing so hard he can’t speak. ‘Oh, dear,’ he gasps. ‘Then I do The Happening which I completely Wahlberg, and people are like, is this the same guy? Then the Giametti one, I can’t even remember what it was called. Then Airbender which puked like Justin Bieber on the original series. And that’s it, right? Reputation well and truly in tatters? And then comes After Earth and bang. He’s got game. The twist ending. Good director becomes shitty and then boom back again. And you’re on your back.’
Shyamalan claims he modelled his career on the story of Cinderella Man. However, Roger Ebert has pointed out that Ron Howard’s boxing film came out in 2005 and Shyamalan ‘was already making us collectively eat his shit sandwiches in 1998 with the mercifully forgotten Rosie O’Donnell comedy Wide Awake.’