HOLLYWOOD – Survivor from the Golden Age of Hollywood, Sir Edwin Fluffer, reflects on the going to what insiders refer to as ‘the rubber arse’, AKA rehab.

After the wrap party for Apache Chaps Go Hell For Leather the judge made it a condition of my bail that I go to one of those drying out clinics for an extended lie down. To be perfectly frank one wasn’t looking forward to it all that much, but as soon as the studio said they’d pick up the bill I grabbed my toothbrush and headed out the door.

If truth be told I was still a bit pissed when I got there, largely due to the fact that I bumped into Errol Flynn on the way, but they checked me in and showed me to my room. It wasn’t unpleasant, and the flowers on the mantelpiece were a nice touch. They died as soon as I drank the water in the vase, but the receptionist said she’d send up more.
I’d describe the catering as ‘nutritional’ if you know what I mean, and the wine list was frankly appalling.  After a few minutes I decided there was only so much fun you could have on your own with a toothbrush, so I went out into the corridor to knock on a few doors and see what the other guests were up to. Not much as it turns out. Jiminy Cricket had done nothing since Pinocchio, and Bambi’s mum hadn’t worked in two years. I didn’t even recognise Dumbo The Flying Elephant. His boyish charm had been worn away by years propping up a bar on Hollywood Boulevard. He’d lost his teeth and tried to retain some dignity by wearing a pair of fake tusks; it was tragic really.
But it was the Tin Man I felt most sorry for. Apparently his oil can was always full of scotch, and they’d had to break his fingers to get it out of his hand. By that stage I couldn’t take any more. The bars on the windows wouldn’t budge an inch, but then I remembered that lovely scene which was sadly cut from the final edit of Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal, and I managed to smuggle myself out in a laundry basket.
I still think that that movie would’ve got the critical attention it deserved if they only kept the scene of me and Death playing Twister. But that’s another story…

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 NEW YORK– Actor and philanthropist Adam Sandler has confirmed he is to star in a sequel to Ingmar Bergman’s celebrated classic The Seventh Seal.

Produced by Sandler’s own production company Happy Madison and directed by frequent collaborator Dennis Dugan, critics are already claiming this marriage of Sandler and Bergman is a tragedy waiting to happen:

“All the signs are bad,” said respected film writer and historian Leonard Maltin.

Since the film was announced a plague of locusts has laid siege to New York City and it’s been raining blood for the last three days. It turns out by making a sequel to The Seventh Seal, Sandler has inadvertently opened the actual Seventh Seal. The bible famously does not reveal in any detail what will happen when the seal is broken but judging by the sight of a sword wielding Angel of Death currently tapping on my window, I’m guessing it doesn’t involve free pizza.

All corners of the earth are reporting incidents of the dead rising from the grave but on one burial plot in Faro, Sweden, other strangeness is afoot:
“Last night all the dead people just got up and walked out of here without so much as a goodbye,” said cemetery worker Dolph Bjornstrand.

All except Mr Bergman. His body is still in his grave but it just keeps rolling over and over and over again. It’s kinda weird, ya?

The Seventh Seal 2 is due for release in 2015.


HOLLYWOOD – Famous Swedish actor and star of films such as The Seventh Seal and Flash Gordon, Max Von Sydow has released a set of seven DVD comprising an entire course of Zumba that you can do from the comfort of your own home.

‘The routines are relatively gentle,’ said the Septuagenarian Sydow. ‘But you’ll be feeling the burn and having fun at the same time.’

The DVD sets have been flying off the shelves with Amazon reporting that its stock are almost completely exhausted. Industry expert Jackaly Parras said that Sydow’s appeal ‘is probably due to his work in Ingmar Bergman’s films. His presence – whether it’s the knight with a crisis of faith or the worried husband in Through a Glass Darkly –  is perfect preparation for presenting a new fitness fad based on South American rhythms and Colombian dance.’

Joe Pesci has announced that he is releasing a Pilates program that he has been developing for years.

‘Way before that oblong headed asshole even knew what a squat thrust was,’ said the very angry Pesci.