BILL STILLER SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS IN PRISON

NEW YORK – A judge sentenced Ben Stiller to three years in prison.

Ben Stiller – star of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Zoolander 2 – will start a three year prison sentence in March, 2019. This follows sentencing in New York on multiple charges. A court found Mr Stiller guilty of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. The sentence however was relatively light due to cooperation with the office of Special Prosecutor Robert De Niro. Although not named in court, ‘individual 1’ is a veiled reference to Alec Baldwin, president since 2016.

Mr. Stiller’s lawyer Owen Wilson told the Studio Exec:

My client has come out of a tunnel. We thought nothing could be darker than when he did Cable Guy, but this was an even harder time for Mr. Stiller. Now, however, we are ready once Mr. De Niro has finished his investigation to tell the truth about Baldwin and all his crimes.

Alec Baldwin has so far been uncharacteristically quiet on Twitter, but earlier had called out his former lawyer as a ‘weak man’ who was ‘only good in The Royal Tenenbaums and nothing else.’

Meanwhile the De Niro investigation continues and many close to the special prosecutor’s office say that he is now very interested in talking to anyone involved in what is being called the car parking conspiracy.

The case will continue in 2019.

BEN STILLER SIGNS ON FOR CALL OF CTHULHU

HOLLYWOOD – Following the horror of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced that his next film will be an intentional horror: an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s Call of Cthulhu.

The Meet the Fockers star has been a long-time Lovecraft aficionado and spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his new project:

Not since Tropic Thunder have I been so utterly psyched by a project. H.P. Lovecraft’s stories have freaked me out ever since I read them as a child and I have dreamed of bringing his weird and archaic visions of obsidian horror of the Old Ones to the big screen.

Many have tried and failed.

Indeed. Roger Corman had a crack at it but his versions were more an extension of his Edgar Allen Poe adaptations. And then Brian Yuzna had a crack, but he was again like he was actually using Lovecraft to explore his own weird sex stuff and blackly comic sensibility. And most recently Guillermo Del Toro has been battling to get the Mountains of Madness onto the screen.

So what is going to help you succeed?

With Walter Mitty and Tropic Thunder, although those films are nominally comedies, I really got into terrifying darkness of otherworldly strangeness. There were angles that seem unworldly and an eldritch stench and scratching that arose also from a knowledge of what it is like to be close to Ricky Gervais. In fact Ricky Gervais and Owen Wilson are both in the film, but they reveal depths to their own gnawing fear that has hitherto been suspected but never witnessed by human minds, at least not ones that haven’t been driven stark raving mad and now confined in the mossy depths of the Arkham Asylum.

The Call of Cthulhu will be released in 2016.

SEAN PENN: ‘I MAY NEVER ACT AGAIN’

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn shocked reporters today when he admitted that he might never act again after what he called ‘a career best performance’ in 2013’s The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

‘I’ve worked with some of the best in the industry,’ Penn said.

Clint Eastwood, Terrence Malick, hell I was even married to Madonna for a time back there. But even so there comes a time when one thinks, now I’ve reached my zenith. I can’t go any farther and as an actor, for me, that happened under the tutelage of Mr. Ben Stiller. I mean, he made Tim Robbins look like Gus Van Sant.

What does that mean?

I don’t know.

And yet the film was not a particularly big critical hit.

No. The critics were a bit mixed, but that happens with the greatest work. All you need to do is look back and read some of the criticism Shanghai Surprise got. And now that film is number 6 in the AFI’s top 100 list.

Is it?

No. But still… It’s in there somewhere. Don’t worry. I’m still going to direct. I just don’t think I’ll ever come close to touching that kind of human truth again.

Mr. Penn is currently prepping his next directorial effort The Last Space which will star Charlize Theron and Adèle Exarchopoulos, last seen in Blue is the Warmest Color.

SEAN PENN: NOT MAKING GOOD FILMS, A POLITICAL STATEMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Hi guys, Sean Penn here. I just wanted to cut through the bullshit a second and make something clear to all the people who have been watching my career recently with some bemusement. I know exactly what you’re thinking: what the f*ck is Shanghai Surprise (as I prefer to be known) up to?

Gangster Squad stank of thrice used, thrice unflushed toilet water. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was almost terminally unfunny. Tree of Life? Tree. Of. Life?
Okay, I hear you. I feel your pain. These aren’t Dead Man Walking, or 21 Grams, or Milk. They’re not even I am Sam! So what gives Penn?

Well, I’ll tell you. As many of you probably know as well as being a world famous film actor, I’m also something of a political activist with outspoken views on lots of different topics. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a liberal. No, I’m actually a radical. Yeah. I know. 

And it occurred to me not so long ago that this making films lark is highly dubious from a ‘bringing down the system’ point of view. At least, it is if the films are successful. So what I decided was that I would make films and choose roles specifically to destroy the ideological homogeneity engine that is Hollywood from within by making terrible films. I dipped a toe in with The Interpreter. Then a whole foot with All the King’s MenGangster Squad and Mitty were the equivalent of full immersion. If you want to take a photo of the Hollywood sign do so now, because the foundations are shaking and the whole thing is going to Emmerich under the weight of my underwhelming output. There’s no way the Entertainment Industry can survive this level of mediocrity. Just you wait.

Sean Penn will be appearing in Any Which Way But Loose in 2016.  

ELLEN DEGENERES OPENS INTERNET PIRACY SITE

HOLLYWOOD – Ellen Degeneres has announced that she will be opening her own branded torrent sharing site – Ellen’s Pirate Bay – which will allow users to stream or download films illegally.

The Ellen and Oscar ceremony host told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY: 

The idea came to me after I accidentally managed to get one of my Oscar screeners uploaded onto the internet and streaming. It was The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. At that point I thought, well, if these piece of shit gets so many hits imagine what would happen if I uploaded some decent films.

Ellen’s Pirate Bay should be live by the end of the month. Asked about her inspiration for the name, she said, ‘If we’re going to have a bit of intellectual property theft I wanted to go the whole hog.’
A spokesperson for the Anti-Piracy league that represents the industry said:

We are dismayed by Ms. Degeneres’ actions, but then again, she is a celebrity so… you know. Whatever. 

What do you think? Should Ellen Degeneres’ Pirate Bay be taken down? or is it all very, very funny?

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY 2

HOLLYWOOD – After the enormous critical and commercial success of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced the preproduction of a sequel entitled The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years.

Ben Stiller spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

The last Walter Mitty was possibly the best thing I’ve ever done and so when people said can you make another one, I was like, woah! Wait a second. I better have a Cinnabun and think about it. How could I maintain the integrity of the original, the integrity that one only finds wearing my GAP chinos and drinking a bottle of Budweiser? I mean it’s not just something to make money so I can buy a new iPad. Though those iPads are great, aren’t they?

So what decided you?

I got the idea that he worked for Facebook and everything he did related to Walter’s Facebook page and that ten year movie. I spoke to Mark Zuckerberg, though it wasn’t really a conversation.

What do you mean?

Zuckerberg had an assistant cover my naked body in honey and then they all threw balls of ten dollar notes at me. 

Wow!

Yeah. And I was on a bouncy castle I suppose you’d call it, and there was all this money. They had this like wind machine and they blew money at me while I bounced and wept. They did that for three days. And that’s how we’re funding the movie. But don’t worry there were plenty of nutritious Pop Tarts to eat later. Mmmmmmm. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years will be released in 2015.