DANGEROUS REVENANT PARTIES SWEEP HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD – The Los Angeles Sheriff’s office has issued a warning, instructing the general public to not indulge in parties inspired by the film The Revenant.

Sheriff Joel Mackey told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that ‘the Revenant parties’ (as they are called) have so far cost the lives of over two hundred revelers.

It’s a horrible thing. Organised via the internet crowds of thirty to forty people descend on some abandoned warehouse or waste ground out of the way somewheres where no one is likely to happen by. There will be some drinks and refreshments comprised of homemade alcohol and squirrel meat. On a prearranged signal a wild bear is then released and will indulge in sexual relations with one or more of the party goers. This often ends in wounding and has led to fatalities. As if that wasn’t enough, everyone is then packed into a portable freezer unit, like an ice truck or a meat locker or something where they spend the next three nights naked and begging to be killed.

Variations on this basic model include thrill seekers being dragged naked through the snow and thrown off cliffs and into pine trees. Animal rights groups have criticized the use of live animals for entertainment purposes and although the number of bears injured is actually very small in comparison to the number of party-goers killed they also object to the violence, including musket shots and stabbings that have been discovered on some of the animals. ‘There was also a horse that was… well, if I told you it would be a spoiler,’ said a spokesperson for the American Society from the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

However, the film’s director Alejandro G. Iñárritu believes the parties are actually a good thing:

Okay so some people get killed, but the important thing is that they feel they are part of an interactive experience with the movie. Anything that can bring them close to the  true nature of the wild is surely a good thing, don’t you think? When we were making the film we had a hell of a lot of fun with hypothermia, frost bite and a little light cannibalism. The fact that some fans of the film are going through the same thing is a testament to how the film is connecting with its audience.

Although officially not illegal, the Sheriff has declared that such parties are highly unsafe and people should avoid them at all costs.

Sheriff Mackey told the Studio Exec:

What we at the Sheriff’s office can’t understand is why can’t people base their theme parties on something more wholesome. What about a Peanuts party? Or a Hateful Eight shindig? The death toll is already high and only looks like going up if this continues. These people have very little understanding of what a savage bear can do when unleashed on a crowd of scantily clad ravers, all of whom are goading the animal.

Leonardo diCaprio and Tom Hardy, the stars of the film, are planning on releasing a charity single – a cover of Don McLean’s Vincent – the proceeds from which will go towards a bear refuge for damaged animals.

The Revenant is currently on release.

THE REVENANT – REVIEW

THE REVENANT – REVIEW: Alejandro González Iñárritu’s follow up to Birdman, The Revenant is an inspiring tale of survival ruined by blatant product placement.

Drowned on the Titanic, jailed for embezzlement, lobotomized on an island, beaten by Jack Nicholson, betrayed, basketball diaried, tricked into suicide by his girlfriend and a priest, Leonardo diCaprio has to be one of the unluckiest men alive. In The Revenant he’s torn to pieces by a bear and frozen by a hard winter, attacked by Indians, half drowned in a river and dropped from cliffs. As if this wasn’t bad enough, Tom Hardy offs his son and leaves him for dead. It’s almost as if Iñárritu is putting DiCaprio through some sort of Oscar endurance test. But it’s well worth the journey and diCaprio is magnificent along with Hardy.

With Terrence Malick’s cinematographer Emanuel Lubezki and set desginer Jack Fisk, there’s a fair bit of the Malickian here, but Iñárritu is more interested in nature red in tooth and claw. Immersed in the elemental extremes of fire, water, frost and violence, The Revenant drags the audience through an unforgiving wilderness. A history of massacres looms in the background and cold freezes throughout the film. There’s also a bit Tarkovsky with visions of floating women and sopping landscapes forgotten by an absentee God. Occasionally, the story veers too far into the extreme with logic and credibility be damned, a precipice too far if you will. But I’ll be gored by a bear and buggered by it too, if you can find a more fascinating and visually sumptuous depiction of why we have dentistry and central heating.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

 

BEAR DENIES ASSAULTING LEONARDO DICAPRIO

HOLLYWOOD – The Drudge Report’s claim that upcoming film The Revenant contains a scene featuring Leonardo DiCaprio being raped by a Bear has been strenuously denied by his co-star.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted by these accusations,” said the Bear.

Leo and I became good friends on set. He’s an avid chess player and we enjoyed many late nights drinking wine and putting the world to rights. I even went clubbing with him on several occasions but at no point during the shoot did I sexually assault him. If such a scene was in the script, I wouldn’t have agreed to the role.

When pressed about his sexuality, the bear was refreshingly open:

Look, I experimented in college a few times and I’m not ashamed about that. Although it pains me to have to talk about my sexuality to the media, I will say that I am one hundred percent straight. I am currently dating a lovely interior designer from New York and we have recently bought an apartment together.

Asked if children were on the horizon, the Bear became defensive:

Woah, we’ve only been dating a year. We want to enjoy some time together, maybe do a bit of travelling before we settle down and have kids. Hopefully this role will propell my career and allow me to fulfil my dream of playing Hamlet, so there is a lot I want to do before we make the decision to breed. 

DiCaprio was unavailable for comment but the director of The Revenant, Alejandro G. Iñárritu, issued the following cryptic statement:

Is Leo raped by a bear in the picture? No. Is he metaphorically raped by a bear in the picture? No. But is he spiritually raped by a bear in the picture? Perhaps, but probably no.

The Revenant is due for release on Christmas Day. 

RUMORS OF CANNIBALISM ON THE REVENANT SHOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Rumors have been spreading that Alejandro Inarritu’s follow up to Birdman The Revenant, starring Leonardo diCaprio, has run into difficulties with cannibalism widespread among the crew.

Based on a true story, Alejandro Inarritu’s new film The Revenant is a tale of survival set in the wilds of North America. Leonardo diCaprio plays 19th Century explorer Hugh Glass who after a bear attack is left for dead by his own team and has to battle through the wilderness to survive. Shot in natural light by legendary cameraman, Emmanuel Lubezki, Inarritu’s vision has gone over-budget and over-schedule causing co-star Tom Hardy to drop out of The Suicide Squad due to scheduling problems. An insider on the shoot said:

The film is certainly epic and I think everyone will be impressed both by the performances and by the quest for authenticity and originality in the director’s vision.

However, some are claiming that Inarritu went too far in the quest to bring his epic story to the screen.

A crew member spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY on the understanding that he would remain anonymous:

We were shooting in natural light and we were doing very long takes and we were way up in the north of Canada in the depths of Winter and so we had four hours of usable light. We would block and rehearse everything so that we could get the most done in the short time we had but then Alejandro would change his mind and we’d have to improvise some kind of solution.

However, things got gradually worse. Martin Yass continues:

 

The catering wouldn’t show up. The first day that happened we were very relaxed. We’re a veteran crew and there’s a lot of respect for the director and his creative team, but when catering didn’t turn up for another two days then we ate someone from the wardrobe department. That night there was great shock and consternation, and we were promised that there’d be tacos for everyone the next day but sure enough the next day came and after a really difficult set up – it was the bear scene – there was no sign of the tacos and we ate the gaffer.

News that the production was in trouble had the producer arrive on set only to be captured by Inarritu and burned in a huge wicker effigy of a bear.

We weren’t forced to dance around the burning effigy while the screams rang out and up to the frozen and indifferent stars, but we were definitely encouraged to.

Even the principal actors began to feel the pressure.

Leonardo diCaprio is convinced that he will win his long overdue Oscar with this film and so  he sees Alejandro as his road to that long-awaited goal and will do anything he says. I think Alejandro knew that and he used his power to get Leo to do some outrageous things. At one point Leo has to fight with a native American and Alejandro is shouting off camera: ‘Scalp him, scalp him!’ Leo did just that. Fortunately, that night there was no catering and so we could eat the extra and in that way conceal the evidence of what would otherwise have been a serious crime.

Inarritu himself however is unrepentant:

So we ate some people and scalped a guy, maybe burned one of the producers in a massive wooden effigy of a bear!? So what? When I was making Birdman I had Edward Norton crucify himself with real nails to get into his role. I don’t care about it. As we say in Mexico: if no one gets eaten, you’re not really trying.

The Revenant will be released later this year.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO BUYS PACIFIC OCEAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Pacific Ocean and will be using it exclusively for his own filthy pleasures. 

The news came at the launch of the new Leonardo DiCaprio Ocean Foundation, an event organised in collaboration with the US State Department and featuring Secretary of State John Kerry. The Gangs of New York star said that the only way to protect the Ocean was for him to buy it and keep it for himself:

I’ve always been a profound lover of the oceans and particularly the Pacific. So now I’ve bought it, everyone has twenty four hours to get out of it. Cruise ships won’t be allowed to cross it, nor sailing boats, container ships or trawlers. Oil tankers are right out. Surfers can all f*ck off as well. Not that they’re a major environmental hazard so much as they’re just really irritating assholes.

The Titanic actor added:

I’ve bought some satellites which will be monitoring my ocean and if I catch anyone swimming or even paddling, they’ll be zapped by my Clooney guns.

Most environmental groups have praised DiCaprio but there has also been criticism. Belfourt Scutz of Green Eye said that the seven million dollars which the actor had paid for the Ocean was ‘small change’:

What you have to understand is the Oceans are connected. There’s simply no point buying the Pacific Ocean if you’re not going to buy the Indian Ocean, the Arctic and the Atlantic as well.

Some civil rights groups also protested but even they admitted that DiCaprio should have won the Oscar for Wolf of Wall Street and not that asshole McConaughey. Asked what he intended to do with his new Ocean, DiCaprio amazed reporters by telling them:

I’ll swim out as far as I can and then I’ll take a long whizz. 

The Revenant will be released in 2015.