LEONARDO DICAPRIO BUYS MOON

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Moon.

Departed and Revenant star Leonardo DiCaprio bought the Moon yesterday.

In a statement issued by DiCaprio’s agent, the actor declared the following:

As a lifelong conservationist, I have watched with despair as the natural beauties of our planet have been despoiled by corporations and individuals. The new Trump administration is only the latest in a long line of politicians who have preferred to put short term political goals before the survival of other species and the eco-system.

As a consequence, I have decided to buy the Moon. I have sole property rights now and will be going there to live in the next decade or so. And no one else is going to be invited. You can all fuck off. I’m going to have a moon base and a very powerful telescope so I can watch the rest of you assholes drowning in the rising oceans, or fighting bloody wars over shrinking resources. I might let Jim Cameron visit. He says he wants to visit the Sea of Tranquility. The asshole thinks it’s an actual sea.

God, he’s dumb.

NASA have said that they sold DiCaprio the Moon last Tuesday by accident, when one of their employees put it on eBay.

Leonardo DiCaprio will next appear in Space 1999: The Motion Picture.

DENNIS QUAID TO STAR IN BILL O’REILLY’S KILLING KITTENS

HOLLYWOOD – Inner Space star Dennis Quaid signs on for Bill O’Reilly’s Killing Kittens.

Star of A Dog’s Purpose, Dennis Quaid doubles down in a new film Killing Kittens, an adaptation of Bill O’Reilly’s bestselling novel. The Revevant director Alejandro González Iñárritu dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk it through. dennis quaid

Endurance interests me. Suffering fascinates me. And animals too. In my first movie, Amores Perros, we used this dog and I became very attached to him. That relationship fascinated me. So I wondered what it would be like for a man who had to spend his whole day killing kittens. Then I read Bill O’Reilly’s amazing book. Dennis read it also and loved it and we’re making the movie.

What sort of job involves killing kittens?

They’re not going to be happy with me telling you this, but there’s a popular fast food hamburger which is made almost entirely from kitten meat.

Quaid himself has insisted that the new movie won’t feature the harming of any actual animals. 

That’s true. We talked about this a great deal. Dennis has this huge heart and he would be very upset if he knew how many kittens he will actually kill when we make the movie.

Wait. So you are killing kittens. 

Absolutely. To do otherwise would be fraudulent to cinema.

But Dennis thinks he isn’t killing animals. 

Actors are so stupid. I’ll tell him they’re just really realistic animatronics. I told Leo that the river would be really warm because we heated it up for him and he dove right in. This was in Alaska in December.

Killing Kittens will be released in 2018.

REVENANT PREQUEL: FIRST IMAGE

HOLLYWOOD – The first image from the highly anticipated prequel to Alejandro Inarritu’s The Revenant hit the internet today.

Alejandro Inarritu’s The Revenant was a huge hit with audiences and critics last year and won Leonardo diCaprio a belated Oscar nod. Now the prequel has begun shooting and today the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the first shot from the production.

The film will chart Hugo Glass’ life as a child in the wilds of frontier land America. His friendship with the native first nation peoples and his immersion in the wildlife and particularly his friendship with old Ben, a beautiful friendly Grisly Bear.

Inarritu spoke on the telephone to the Exec:

I felt we had done something of a disservvice to nature in our film. We showed an unrelentingly harsh environment and I wanted to re-balance that a little. Also here with Hugo’s friendship foregrounded I think people will see the first film in a sharper more tragic light.

The Revenant: Bear With Me will be released in 2018.

CONTROVERSIAL AMUSEMENT PARK REVENANT LAND TO GO ONLINE NEXT MONTH

HOLLYWOOD – The Revenant Land is to open its gates next month, backers have announced, despite criticisms from safety activists.

The amusement park Revenant Land is due to do online next month and is hoping to attract thousands of visitors. The park designed by the late Michael Crighton will include attractions such as the Waterfall Pounding, Fingers and Toes, Brokeback Mountains, the Pruddy Mouth, the Bear Mauling and Squeal Like a Pig. Water rides called the 6 Waterfalls will compete with the 4D attraction ‘Sleeping Inside a Dead Horse Naked’ while a variety of themed restaurants will offer uncooked fish dinners, rotting buffalo snacks and handfuls of frozen soil for refreshment.

The opening however has not been welcomed in all quarters and some safety experts are warning that the park does not meet the highest standards when it comes to guest safety.

Xavier Poulis of the French Cultural magazine Chapeau reports:

Alejandro Inarritu is to open his second amusement park although many do not know about the first. The original Amusement Park – Amores Perros – was built outside Mexico City and featured a series of attractions all of which involved being attacked by vicious dogs. Ultimately, the injuries and deaths contributed to Inarritu’s fleeing of the country and arrival in Hollywood.

Inarritu however said that the park will be a fitting memorial to Michael Crighton and when asked about the dangers of the attractions escaping and killing the guests, he laughed loudly and for several minutes was unable to speak.

‘Don’t worry,’ he told the Studio Exec. ‘The cameras will be ready to roll.’

The Revenant Land will open in July, 2017.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S NEXT FILM IS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE HARDCORE

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio is to follow up his Oscar winning role in The Revenant with his most physically demanding role yet.

The Revenant featured ice cold river dips, bear attacks, post-mortem horse saunas and sub-zero temperatures, but word has it that Leonardo diCaprio’s new role is even more hardcore. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Leonardo diCaprio spoke about just how far he is willing to go in the pursuit of that difficult second Oscar that has so far eluded him for his entire career:

It’s crazy when Martin Scorsese sent me over the script, I really didn’t want to know about it. I wasn’t ready physically or mentally to take on anything, but when Marty calls you have to at least answer, so I sat down and read the script.

So it’s pretty hardcore?

Oh, I’ll say. I play a middle aged man. I work in advertising in the city. I’m happily married and I have two young kids.

Okay and so what happens? Terrorists attack? There’s an earthquake? You go on holiday to Europe?

No. What happens is everything is okay and we’re all really happy and then one night I have to go to the bathroom – that is my character Ralph has to, but you can see I’m already neck deep in preparation. Anyway, he doesn’t put his slippers on, it’s June so it isn’t cold and as he walks across the hall he steps on a piece of Lego with his bare feet.

Jesus Christ!

I know.

How are you going to film that?

Well at first we thought of CGI and then there was this idea of using a squishy piece of Lego so it wouldn’t hurt, but in the end we’re just going to have to go method on the motherf*cker.

What pushes you to such limits of realism? You’re a famous movie star; you have your Oscar. Why do it?

I’m committed to my craft what can I say. The scene is the central moment of the whole piece and so I feel that it would be to rob the audience of the genuine heart of thwe story if we resorted to trickery.

The Man Who Stepped On Lego Piece in His Bare Feet in the Middle of the Night starts filming in June.

TWELVE CGI HORSES KILLED IN MAKING OF NEW BEN-HUR

HOLLYWOOD – Animal rights groups were today protesting after it was revealed that twelve CGI horses were killed during the filming of the chariot race for the new Ben-Hur movie.

When the new trailer for Ben-Hur dropped earlier this week, many were impressed by the chariot race footage which featured, leading many to bin their old copies of the Charlton Heston version. However, new began to leak from the production that twelve CGI horses had been killed during the making of the fast paced sequence. One source close to the film told the Studio Exec:

It was terrible. Of course we had sequences with live actors and real horses but the most dangerous stuff was left to the CGI horses and it was here that the toll was enormous. I saw ten horses killed with my own eyes during the chariot race and I heard that two others were later deleted after they were found to be lame.

Timur Bekmambetov, the film’s director, responded brusquely to the accusations:

Listen, I’m making a film and I want it to be fantastic. I don’t care who gets hurt or what gets killed. The scene in the trailer with the guy strapped to the prow of the ship that rams the other ship – that CGI guy died every time we did a take and I insisted on fifteen takes. And you talk to me of horses? Pffffffttttoooo.

The CGI animal rights group – CGIARG – are calling on people to boycott the movie. CIARG recently came to prominence after they threw CGI blood on Leonardo DiCaprio at an Oscar after party to protest the treatment of CGI bears and horses in The Revenant.

Ben-Hur will be released in August, 2016.

SYRIAN REFUGEES CELEBRATE LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S OSCAR WIN

GREECE – Syrian refugees have joined together and celebrated Leonardo diCaprio’s best actor win at last night’s Oscars, saying that it was long over due.

They haven’t had much to celebrate since fleeing the civil war in Syria but today all that was briefly forgotten as refugees organised impromptu parties to celebrate Leonardo diCaprio’s Oscar win at the Academy Awards last night.

A spokesperson for the Syrian refugees talked to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have suffered hardship beyond belief. Many of us have seen our homes destroyed, our families torn apart. We have crossed winter seas and we have risked everything only to arrive in a Europe which is turning against us. However, all of that is put in perspective when we consider that Leo diCaprio had to wait all this time until he was 41 before getting his hands on the Oscar. There were some among the refugees who believe that The Revenant wasn’t even that great a movie and that Leo should have won for The Wolf of Wall Street. I loved Shutter Island personally, but all the same. This makes everything right.

Isis have since issued a statement saying they wanted Eddie Redmayne to win, thus proving that they are once more beyond the pale.

Tomorrow these people will once more face an uncertain future, but tonight they are united in celebrating for a cause that is bigger than all their problems put together.

THE STUDIO EXEC OSCAR PREDICTIONS 100 PERCENT EXACT

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday we made our Oscar predictions and today we triumph in our 100 percent success rate.

The Oscars 2016 – alternatively known as the Academy Awards of OSCARS – are over and the Studio Exec having made his predictions (click here for that) has seen them confirmed 100%.

Here if anyone is still interested is

Best Picture

Who we predicted to Win: Spotlight

Who Did Win: Spotlight

Best Director 

Who we predicted to Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Who Did Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Best Actor

Who we predicted to Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Who Did Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Best Actress

Who we predicted to Win: Brie Larson – Room

Who Did Win: Brie Larson

Best Supporting Actor

Who we predicted to Win: Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies

Who Did Win: Mark Rylance

Best Supporting Actress

Who we predicted to Win: Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl

Who Did Win: Alicia Vikander

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who we predicted to Win: The Big Short

Who Did Win: The Big Short

Best Original Screenplay

Who we predicted to Win: Spotlight

Who Did Win: Spotlight

Best Animated Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Inside Out

Who Did Win: Inside Out

Best Foreign Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Son of Saul

Who Did Win: Son of Saul

Best Documentary Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Amy

Who Did Win: Amy

Best Cinematography

Who we predicted to Win: Emmanuel Lubezki – The Revenant

Who Did Win: Emmanuel Lubezki

Best Music

Who we predicted to Win: Ennio Morricone

Who Did Win: Ennio Morricone

Costume Design

Don’t give a shit

Film Editing

What?

Make up and Hair Design

Pffffffffft.

Production Design

Yes.

Sounding editing, Visual Effects, Animated Short, Documentary Short, Short Short

Nope. Mad Max Fury Road. I think. I don’t know.

For more Oscars Click HERE.

ALEJANDRO INARITTU ADMITS NO ONE KILLED DURING REVENANT SHOOT

LONDON – Alejandro Inarittu admitted today that no one actually died during the shoot of his award winning film The Revenant.

Talking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, Alejandro Inarittu finally confessed that no one had died during the shooting of The Revenant ‘despite my best efforts.’ The admission comes following a series of appearances of stars Leonardo diCaprio and Tom Hardy despite claims they had been killed and perhaps eaten during the tumultuous production:

I honestly don’t know how the stories got started that we were doing some sort of snuff movie, but it probably came about because we were so intent on authenticity that from the very beginning of the movie we were willing to go to some quite dangerous extremes. Especially with Leo. We began to talk about using a real bear for the attack scene and then later Leo insisted on chopping off Tom Hardy’s fingers during the fight because he said that was what his character would have done. Tom not to be out done bit off a piece of Leo’s ear. But did anyone actually die? I mean was anyone killed? No.

Police have however warned people away from joining in the new craze of Revenant parties which involve using real bears and have resulted in people being badly mauled.

The Revenant will win Oscars.

THE REVENANT CAUSES BLIZZARD AS PUBLICITY STUNT

HOLLYWOOD – Alejandro Inarritu’s The Revenant is currently topping the Box Office in part due to the blizzard that the studio provided as part of an extreme publicity stunt.

Leonardo diCaprio might have had to get intimate with a bear, but reports are that Alejandro Inarritu’s love of extremity has even infected the marketing campaign for his latest film The Revenant. An insider at the studio told The Studio Exec under strict confidence that the Mexican director had arranged for a freezing snow blizzard to hit the Eastern seaboard upon the release of his new movie.

Alejandro wants everything to be real and so quite early on in discussions about how we would introduce the concept of the film to the public he was all in for having a massive ice storm hit the Eastern Seaboard with strong winds and a heavy snow fall. His concept was that the audience would then feel that as they trudged through the freezing weather towards the movie theaters they would begin to understand not only what Hugo Glass was going to go through but also what Leo and Tom hardy went through as they were making the film.

But people died during the storm. 

Yeah, Alejandro. He really doesn’t give a shit about that. He was thumping the table and yelling “make it snow goddamn it.” At first we thought he wanted cocaine, but then it was clear he actually wanted us to manipulate the weather in order to give the audience the most immersive experience possible.

Can you actually manipulate the weather like that?

It’s not too difficult actually. You know that thing about a butterfly flapping its wings in Mexico and a hurricane hitting Miami, apparently it works if a Mexican director wants snow in New York. Alejandro has so many butterflies, you wouldn’t believe.

For more on The Revenant CLICK HERE.

DOMHNALL GLEESON NOT IN CREED

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that Domhnall Gleeson was not in Creed and this is thought to be the reason that it was nominated for fewer Oscars than had been expected.

Domhnall Gleeson is not in Creed, it was revealed today and many are saying that this is the reason that Ryan Coogler’s boxing drama did not pick up as many Academy award nominations as expected. Michael B. Jordan plays the son of Apollo Creed who follows in his father’s footsteps and into the boxing ring, seeking tutelage from his father’s old opponent and friend Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone who picked up a supporting actor nomination). Sylvester Stallone spoke about the lack of Domhnall Gleeson in the film and how it might have hurt the award prospects:

We did actually have a role for Domhnall but then at the last minute the role got cut. He was going to play my grandson but the scene felt extraneous and there were a lot of scheduling problems and so in the end we cut it before we even went into production. What we didn’t know is that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts has this new rule that every film needs to have Domhnall Gleeson if it is to be a contender. Brooklyn, The Revenant, Ex Machina all passed the test but Creed regrettably didn’t. I think we should have shot the scene, but that’s with retrospect. I know that we’ve already hired Domhnall for the sequel Drago.

However, the Academy have denied that such a clause exists in the rules, stating that it is merely a coincidence that so many films have Domnhall in them this year.

Awards analyst Bertram Shrank told the Studio Exec:

It happens sometimes that one of these actors just seems to be everywhere all of a sudden. They’re cheap, they’re fresh and they have a great agent. Jessica Chastain did the same thing five years ago. And having Domhnall is no guarantee of Academy largess. Look at The Force Awakens which only managed to get technical nominations despite plenty of Domhnall Gleeson action.

For more Oscars news CLICK HERE.

RIDE ALONG 2 OFFICIALLY BETTER THAN THE REVENANT

HOLLYWOOD – According to Box Office figures Ride Along 2 is officially better than The Revenant and Star Wars The Force Awakens as of this week.

Looking at the first figures, it seems to be the case that Ride Along 2 is now better than either Star Wars The Force Awakens or The Revenant. The news, which had been predicted by analysts, left some movie goers perplexed but Box Office expert Joey Smole told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that we must accept the facts:

Everybody knows that Hollywood is a business. Show business, sure enough, but a business nonetheless. Ride Along 2 is estimated to have taken $38 million by Monday and that will place it above both Star Wars and The Revenant and this will mean that it is the better movie. Next week might be different but for this week it’s the best movie and no film critic with his Harvard degree can contradict that.

But money isn’t every…

Shut your mouth.

Sorry. 

Does Kevin Hart make me laugh? No. Can Ice Cube act? Not really. Was Ride Along 1 really deserving of a sequel? I wouldn’t have said so. Burt the money has spoken. And THAT is all the matters.

Does this mean there will be a Ride Along 3?

Yes.

Ride Along 3 will be released in 2018.

ALEJANDRO INARRITU TO DIRECT PADDINGTON 2

HOLLYWOOD – Popular children’s film Paddington 2 is to take an altogether different direction with the news that Oscar winning Birdman and Revenant director, Alejandro Inarritu is to take over as director.

Alejandro Inarritu dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film Paddington 2.

I know that it is something of a surprise to see me take on a film such as this, but my career has been about trying to get away from the ghost of myself. If I simply becoming an automaton repeating the same old tropes and moves then artistically I will die. 21 Grams and Babel were too similar and so Birdman was a comedy, something I’ve never done. The Revenant is – when you come down to it – a classical revenge Western. But I’ve never done a children’s film. Not ever. And so when I saw Paddington I thought, I could have some of that.

The original Paddington was a huge success and Ben Wishaw is to return as the voice of the bear with Hugh Bonneville and Sally Hawkins also returning as the Browns, who, along with their children, adopt Paddington after finding him alone at Paddington railway station. But we asked if there was a story line yet:

It’s all very sketchy right now but I have some ideas of how I want to approach this and what I want to do. First of all we will film in only natural light, I will allow myself a maximum of five cuts in the whole move and there will be absolutely no CGI.

No CGI?

That was the one mistake I made on the Revenant and never again. CGI takes you out of the movie. It is automatic, when something is CGI your brain thinks, ‘Ah this is safe!’ I want danger and so we’ll be using a real bear and Ben will do the voice over live on set, perhaps strapped to the back of the bear. Nicole Kidman is returning as the villain of the piece. But in a way I also want all the characters to be draped in moral ambiguity. So my idea is that Mr. Brown has leukemia and in order to pay for his treatments, Mrs. Brown is selling heroin to street kids. Millicent (that’s Nicole) is blackmailing Mrs. Brown and turning her against Paddington who to be fair has become increasingly violent as he is following a Guru who is teaching him to get in touch with his inner bear. The idea came to me when I heard that ridiculous story about DiCaprio being raped by the bear. It was nonsense but then I thought, ‘What if Paddington instead of giving Mr. Brown a long hard stare…?’

Paddington 2: The Moral Darkness of a Godless Universe will be released in 2018.

 Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

TOP 10 FILMS OF 2015

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has put together a list of the top films of 2015, in no particular order.

2015 was an odd year for film. A bit underwhelming until December it has to be said. The blockbusters busted blocks but the most successful (until December) was the M’eh-fest of Jurassic World. Everything looked very familiar. There was an Avengers movie (I think) and a new Bond film. The two main European festivals saw the main prize picked up by average movies that won’t escape the festival circuit. Of course, December suddenly gave us a year’s worth of interesting stuff. What am I talking about? Jesus, why am I even writing this? I’m hungover and tired and it is now time I went to bed so here’s the Goddamned list:

Bone Tomahawk

Gruesome and beautiful western, both elegiac and horrific, starring Matthew Fox, Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson and Richard Jenkins. It will certainly divide audiences, if not bifurcate them. Here’s the review.

Mad Max: Fury Road

A remake that if anything exceeded its original source material. George Miller brought his post-apocalyptic car chase into the territory of the purest genre cinema. Witty, exciting, incredible. Here’s the review.

Son of Saul

Devastating portrayal of the life in the day of a Sonderkommando in Auschwitz. A film I never want to see again, but everyone should see once. Review here. 

The Revenant

Leonardo diCaprio crawls through hell to get to an Oscar. On the way he features in one of the most beautiful and stunningly immersive cinematic experiences of the year. For the review click here. 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

It wasn’t shit. Click here for the review.

Crimson Peak

Guillermo Del Toro goes full on Gothic with Tom Hiddleston, Mia Wasikowska and Jessica Chastain in a Roger Corman/ Stanley Kubrick inspired visual treat. Review here.

Anomalisa 

Charlie Kaufman and Duke Johnson’s stop animation tale of angst should have won at Venice. I’ll write a review some time soon.

Sicario

Made me want to see Blade Runner 2. Or at least made me not be too scared about it. Review here. 

Call Me Lucky

There have been some great documentaries this year and Call Me Lucky by Bobcat Goldthwait was one of the best. Charting the life of comedian Barry Crimmins this was a portrait of an unsung American hero, read the review here.

So Happy New Year and all that jazz. Let’s hope 2016 brings us some movies that’ll light our collective fires.

For more Reviews, CLICK HERE.