ROME – The Vatican sent out a distress signal last night on the eve of the Papal conclave that is set to choose the next pope and Tom Hanks – Hollywood screen legend, professional nice man and Forrest Hump rapper – responded immediately by packing three suitcases, booking a ticket on line, getting a taxi to the airport, getting on a plane and flying to Rome where the Vatican – a separate country (?) – is embedded like a sticky-outy belly button.

The cardinals had feared that the various scandals featuring a dossier, sexually abusive bishops, pedophile priests and general corruption would destroy the Holy See, but now with the imminent arrival of the Hankster calm has been restored.

Fr. Ewan

Father Ewan MacGregor – an old friend of Tom Hanks, once an ‘actor’ and now a catholic priest – said that he thought the arrival of Hanks would be a ‘tonic’.

What Tom brings to the table is a lightness of touch and an ability to draw the attention of the world press away from some of the less pleasant aspects of our most holy Roman church. 

Fr. Cheech Marin

Some die hard conservatives within the church however have criticized the Hanks intervention, citing the disastrous Cheech and Chong conclave in the mid-seventies. ‘They were originally there on a purely consultative basis,’ said Mel Gibson’s dad. ‘But the next thing you know white smoke is covering St Peter’s Square and the Pope wasn’t even dead yet.’

Some have speculated that Hanks’ role by go beyond dealing out good cheer and he might in fact be offered the Papacy himself, despite being married and American.


Astonishing news reached us in the early hours of the morning that Seth MacFarlane has been fired as host of the Oscars taking place tonight and has been replaced by ex-Pope Benedict the XVI, the 265th Pope, but the first to ever present the Academy Awards. The lateness of the appointment was easily explained by his Holiness: ‘I thought I’d be busy, but when they accepted my resignation, I thought yippee and phoned my agent immediately.’

MacFarlane was bitterly disappointed because he’d prepared three jokes and all of them were ‘really good’. Well, one was really good and the other two were okay if you’re stoned.
The news has been welcomed by Mel Gibson and… well, just Mel Gibson actually.
Rumors are circulating that MacFarlane was always going to be replaced (for more on that story CLICK HERE), but the choice of his replacement surprised Billy Crystal who was last seen at his tailors late last night making adjustments. When asked if he had any tips for the pontiff, Crystal snarled and drips of foam dropped from his quivering bruise-colored lips.