RECONSIDERED – THE PHANTOM MENACE

REVIEW – Time can be a great healer as paradigms and perceptions change. People age and mellow as tastes develop and evolve. What were once forgettable mediocrities upon release are often now viewed as classics of their time. And so we reconsidered The Phantom Menace. George Lucas’s prequel trilogy starter now has the reputation of an unpolish-able turd. But is that summation fair? The Exec reconsidered The Phantom Menace with an open mind and a blank slate.

Reconsidered – The Phantom Menace… Still Shit, It Is

Jesus Christ. Just imagine if George had opened with this one back in the 70s. It makes Star Crash look like Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Even the opening crawl manages to be so dull, reading it aloud could dehydrate fruit within a 30 yard radius. Who gives a shit about taxation trade routes? A long time ago, in an administration center far, far away.

At Best, Questionable Is Your Racial Stereotyping

Ok, so the Trade Federation guys aren’t that great in terms of progressing the franchise’s racial stereotyping images. But let’s gloss over that and move on. I’m sure George Lucas wont have any other characters that are racist- oh my, Jar-Jar has just arrived. Sweet Jesus, this is difficult to watch. Even if you ignore the god-awful attempts at physical comedy. I’m pretty sure you can see the moment Ewan McGregor realizes how bad this all is. Something in his eyes dies the first times he looks up at Jar-Jar. It’s probably about the same time he remembers he’s signed on for all 3 films and it’ll take more than a Jedi mind trick to get him out of his contract.

More Gungans. Embarrassed, Are We

Dear lord. Let me follow Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. It wont be as painful as having to watch this Gungun sequence again. This is what happens when a white, middle aged billionaire has nobody to say no to him or even question their decisions. This is how we now have Elon Musk. I blame you entirely George.

Watch More Of This Crap, I Can’t

At least Darth Maul is a very cool and genuinely threatening villain. I can’t wait to see how his character and story develops over the trilogy. Oh. What a sh *t kicker.

Watched The Phantom Menace Did We, So Have To, You Do Not. Welcome, Are You.

THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

GEORGE LUCAS TO REMAKE PHANTOM MENACE

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas announced that he is remaking Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

When George Lucas sold the rights to Star Wars, he inserted a secret clause written in lemon juice so no one could read it. This clause reserves the rights of any remake of his Star Wars prequels to Mr. Lucas himself. Today he announced that he would be pursuing this opportunity and remaking the first of the much maligned Star Wars prequels.

I’ve sat out some of the movies and it hasn’t felt good. I wanted to make my own little art house movies but that lasted about a week. Now I want to get back on the Jedi Knight saddle and try again.

Why Phantom Menace?

I got the idea from watching The Force Awakens. It occurred to me that if they can just remake A New Hope why can’t I have another stab at The Phantom Menace.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I think that I got it wrong. In the past I’ve been resistant to criticism but I have had time to look at my mistakes and work out what went wrong. I asked myself if I got the chance to do it again what would I change. Number one, more humor. Two, more Jar Jar Binks. Number three, more woohoo and woops from Anakin.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I just… didn’t I just answer that.

Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace Awakens will be released in 2018.

THE NATION OBSERVES THE MATRIX MEMORIAL DAY

HOLLYWOOD – In school rooms, senate houses and post offices across the country a minute’s silence is to be held for the first time in respect and grief for Matrix Memorial Day.

At eleven o’clock this morning, television stations will interrupt their broadcasts, trains and buses will halt by the side of the road and the internet just will be slow working as everyone in America and in many places across the globe bow their heads in sad contemplation and weary meditation, thinking back to the years when The Matrix trilogy was released.

Rep. Ted Billingsgate, who was one of the signatories of the Bill which saw The Matrix Memorial Day signed into law, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

There have been bad films in the past. Some really terrible films. One only has to think of Battlefield Earth, or Meet the Fockers, but what makes The Matrix Trilogy such a trauma for our nation is that the first one was really good. Coming in the same year as The Phantom Menace it salved some of the wounds left fresh by the prequel. There was hope that a new saga would rise from the ashes of the old. And then came The Matrix Reloaded. Oh boy!

Cultural psychologist Peter Ashcroft argues:

Released in 2000, The Matrix Reloaded is widely regarded as more psychologically damaging than the death of a family member. After all, with some of our family we simply don’t get on. In the space it took to watch that film, hopes were dashed and many resorted to alcohol and drug abuse to ease the pain. And the came The Matrix: Revolutions.

It is hoped that Matrix Memorial Day will help many to overcome the deep and bitter memories of those films, but there has been some controversy over the effectiveness of the legislation. Political activist and world famous linguist, Noam Chomsky wrote in a recent article for the New York Times:

It is all very well pausing for a moment in communal thought, stopping our lives and so forth, but I would remind you that the Wachowskis have never faced trial, never been brought to account in any way and although following The Matrix Reloaded there were many well meaning voices declaring, as with one voice, NEVER AGAIN, they have been allowed to make not only Speed Racer but also Cloud Atlas and perhaps most damning of all Jupiter Ascending.

However, despite such voices of dissent regarding the extent of The Matrix Memorial Day, no voice has been raised in defence of the sequels and even the original film has been blamed as ‘an enabler’.

The Matrix Memorial Day will see services across the country and a minute’s silence observed at 11 am, EST.

EWAN MCGREGOR ‘SECOND COMING OF CHRIST’

HOLLYWOOD – Following his recent ordination into the Catholic church (CLICK HERE to read more), Ewan McGregor has been fast tracked from priest to actual messiah.

The former Pillow Book star, Ewan McGregor was revealed to be the Second Coming of Christ during the filming of his new film Last Days in the Desert.

Co-star Ciaran Hinds told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY of how the final Revelation was revealed:

Everyone on the shoot was touched by what they saw. At first I thought Ewan was employing the method, he was sermonizing and talking in parables constantly – though a lot of it was about motorcycles – but then when the catering truck didn’t turn up on the seventh day, Ewan found a can of tuna and some crackers and somehow managed to whip up enough food to feed everyone. There weren’t five thousand, but still it was both impressive and delicious.

Although some have doubted the veracity of the miracles attributed to Ewan McGregor, Pope Francis himself seems to be convinced. Speaking at the Vatican, he told a delegation from Scotland:

In my opinion, Father Ewan McGregor has very many similarities with Jesus Christ. Jesus, you’ll remember, was crucified and died for our sins, but then on the third day he rose again. Ewan McGregor appeared in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but now he has made yet another film, rising in a very literal/metaphorical way from the dead. Coincidence? This pope [pointing at himself with both thumbs] don’t think so.

The Last Days in the Desert will be released later in 2015 and Father Ewan will be hearing confession from three o’clock on Sunday.

 

R2-D2 MIGHT NOT BE IN STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – R2-D2 might miss out on a role in Star Wars 7 as a result of his anti-Semitic outburst which was caught on tape and leaked onto the internet.

The fall out continued today as Hollywood reeled from the revelation that one of its best loved personalities showed a decidedly ugly side to his character. Jodie Foster immediately leaped to his defense. ‘I’m a lesbian,’ she said. ‘And that’s none of your business either.’
J.J. Abrams was unavailable at the time of writing for comment, but rumors from the Disney camp are that the chances of R2-D2 getting the gig have been reduced dramatically since the publication of the tape. A source close to the production said:

It isn’t the anti-Semiticism. If anything we encourage that at Disney. No, it’s the profanity, especially from a character who is beloved of children everywhere.    

C-3PO has flown in from Belgium – where he was recently crowned King (for more on that story CLICK HERE) – to have a conference with his creative partner. However, Jewish groups have pointed out that C-3PO himself has a chequered history when it comes to associating with White Power and Race Hate groups. Josh Stiglitz of Jews for Star Wars said, ‘We have evidence that neither of these droids would sit at the same table with Chewbacca and insisted on Anakin and his mother being owned by a dirty Jew as a precondition for making The Phantom Menace. If anything this latest outburst only confirms what we always suspected.’

Others have claimed however, that this is a problem of translation. ‘He was obviously saying Jawa,’ said R2-D2’s close friend and attorney Mike Dinkum.

Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this story.

The full tape can be seen by CLICKING HERE.

XAVIER POULIS: DOES CINEMA PROVE THE EXISTENCE OF GOD?










GENEVA – Today Swiss cinema and cheese expert, Xavier Poulis tries to resolve one of the most difficult question in philosophy: does God exist?

‘Allo.
God, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard. We all have different names for God and different relationships to him. Richard Dawkins doesn’t believe he exists and George W. Bush talks to him frequently. One of these intellectual giants is telling ‘le whopper grand’ as we say in the cantons of Switzerland. So I’ve decided to settle the matter once and for all, after which no more talking, etc. Just bide by my words. And enough with the talking and silliness.


Arguments for God.

  1. Woody Allen’s early output, especially Love and Death and Manhattan.
  2. Scarlett  Johansson.
  3. Jean Luc Godard.
  4. The Empire Strikes Back.
  5. Robert de Niro in Raging Bull and Taxi Driver.

Arguments against God.

  1. Woody Allen’s later output, especially Scoop and Curse of the Jade Scorpion. 
  2. Scarlett Johansson singing.
  3. Jean Luc Godard.
  4. The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith and Ewoks.
  5. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers.
  6. Adam Sandler.
So there we have it. God doesn’t exist. Carry on.