OSCARS INTRODUCE BOOTCAMP WEEK

BREAKING NEWS: The Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, which will require all nominees to spend a week performing tasks and songs in order to gain ‘Oscar Credits’. These credits will go towards the final vote count to decide who picks up the coveted awards. So, as the Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, we asked The Academy’s spokesman, Charles ‘Whitey’ Whiteman about this latest announcement.

Is Oscars Bootcamp Week An Attempt To Win Ratings?

I’m glad you me asked that question. Let me be quite clear about this. I have always firmly held this opinion. No matter what anyone else may tell you. Those in the main stream mass media would have you believe otherwise. But I am not for turning and I believe I have the full support of my colleagues on this issue. And it is an issue. A vitally important issue.

You Haven’t Answered My Question.

Didn’t I? My apologies. I used to be a GOP Advisor, old habits die hard.

Well? You Still Didn’t Answer.

Oh yeah, apologies again. Um… no. No it isn’t.

But You Can Understand How People See This As Part Of A Long List Of Changes? Changes That Are Moving The Oscars Away From Being The Most Coveted Award In The Movie Industry Into A Reality Show.

Not at all. We are simply introducing Bootcamp Week so all the viewers can make up their mind on which nominee in each category has the best story, the best journey while in the Oscars House. A just dead Nanna or Grampa always helps also. People are a sucker for a sob story.

There’s A House?

Oh yeah. We’re gonna have a diary room, voice coaches, dance coaches and daily challenges for luxury food. There will be a vote on who stays and who goes through to the grand final. The final being the Oscars live award show, brought to you in association with Pepto Bismol. Pepto, because watching the Oscars, is shitty enough.

That All Sounds Terrible.

You’re welcome.

The Oscars Bootcamp Week Starts On March 20th.

FIVE WORST MOVIE LISTS LISTED

The Exec takes a stand against lazy film journalism with our Five Worst Movie Lists list. Are you bored of reading list after list in your regular movie news outlets? We bring you the definitive five worst movie lists list that drunk and high film journos submit to their equally drunk and equally high commissioning editors every Friday afternoon rather than do a decent day’s work:

 

5: The Best Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar

 


Do you really care about the films whose producers and studios didn’t grease enough palms or have enough dirt on the voting members of The Academy? See also – Films that thought they were worthy but actually sucked balls and Martin Scorsese’s best movies.

 

4: Actors To Play The Next James Bond

 


We haven’t even had Daniel Craig’s final film yet. Do you honestly think a producer of Barbara Broccoli’s stature is going to commit to anything until the numbers are in and banked? It’s the most uncertain movie opening of all time. Do pay attention double-0-knucklehead.

 

3: Marvel’s Films Ranked

 


You can replace Marvel with any franchise, star or noteworthy director. They’re not written with any joy and celebration, they want to piss you off with their number 1 choice and goad you into sharing it. CLICK. BAIT. Fishy.

 

2: The Best (Insert Genre) Movies You’ve Never Seen

 


They can’t be that fucking great if nobody has ever seen them. Stop assuming everyone is a bottom feeding moron who only watches whatever it is Buzzfeed tells them to watch. Also, stop signposting how clever you are for appreciating an ‘undiscovered masterpiece’ that we would never have seen if it weren’t for you.


1: Lists About Other Movie Lists

 


Who the hell do you think you are? Why are you telling people what they can and can’t read? But people keep reading the lists and giving these websites hits. Because of that, they keep being commissioned, over and over again.

 


NEXT WEEK – THE EXEC’S HOT TAKE ON TAKES

THE OSCARS WILL BE MADE OF CHOCOLATE THIS YEAR

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars to hand out statuettes made of edible chocolate in 2016 ceremony.

The Academy Awards – popularly known as the Oscars – are due to be presented on the 28th of February, 2016, but the statuettes handed out will not be the same as in years past. Usually the statuettes handed out to the winners in various categories – best actor, best film, best make up artist etc – are made of Britannia metal plated with nickel, silver and gold. However, this year for the first time ever the Oscars will be made out of the finest Belgian chocolate.

Oscars designer Kemp Helpful told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This is not the first time the Oscars have had a redesign. The very first ones were actually solid bronze and in the war because of metal shortages, the statuettes were made with pewter. However, we have had a lot of complaints that the symbol of the Oscar is outdated so we decided to go with something fun: chocolate.

Chocolate?

We thought of bacon first of all but the idea of the statuettes made of bacon under those lights… sheesh. And then there are religious sensitivities to be considered so we decided on chocolate.

But won’t chocolate melt under the lights?

Well, yeah. The lights are really powerful. It can get very hot both on stage and behind stage.

So the chocolate will melt.

Sorry, what?

I mean won’t it melt. 

But these are made of … chocolate. It’s Belgian so… It might. I don’t know.

What about if actors are allergic to Oscars?

There aren’t any actors who are allergic to chocolate.

Leonardo diCaprio is.

Ha ha. Well, don’t worry. He ain’t winning one.

The Oscars will be broadcast on the 28th of February, 2016.

MERYL STREEP TO GET OSCAR CATEGORY TO HERSELF

HOLLYWOOD – 19 times Oscar nominated (now for Into the Woods) and 3 times previous winner, actress Meryl Streep will no longer be eligible for nomination in the Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress categories, it was revealed today.

Instead, the Academy of Motion Pictures has announced a separate award dedicated simply to her – the Best Meryl Streep Performance of the Year Award – which will Oscar, organizers hope, free up the other categories for Emma Thompson.

Ms. Streep is understood to be relaxed about the news  and she took a minute out of her shoe buying (she is currently preparing for her role in Luc Besson’s forthcoming Imelda Marcos bio-pic More Shoes) to speak with the Studio Exec:

I know why they’re doing it and I applaud them, although the easiest solution would simply have to been: stop nominating me altogether. Of course, like any artiste, I crave the approval of my peers and simply because I have achieved a modicum of success doesn’t lessen that craving. As Cameron Diaz says in The Counselor three times ‘I’m famished’. 

How do you feel essentially competing against yourself?

But is that what’ll happen. I’m not so sure. A Meryl Streep performance isn’t something only Meryl Streep can do you know. Look at Nicole Kidman in The Hours, or Charlize Theron in Monster. I’m sure I won’t be the only nominee, so I’ll have to practice my secretly disappointed but filled with admiration for the just victor face.  

 The Oscars will happen in February but in secret.