HOLLYWOOD – Respected film critic J.P. Cooper broke down in tears after a screening of Hungarian film Fehér isten last night and sensationally confessed that he loathes World Cinema.

Cooper, who is considered by some to be the eminent critic of his generation, broke down during a conversation with another writer about the use of mise en scène in German expressionist cinema.

“I saw his hands start shaking during a conversation about Murnau’s seminal masterpiece Faust“, said cloakroom attendant Ike Bell:

Then all of a sudden he collapsed to the floor and started sobbing and sucking his thumb. I picked him up and put him on a chair and it was then he revealed his dirty little secret.

Cooper confessed to the room of his hatred for world cinema claiming that he only pretended to like it in order to get a job at a well known high-minded film magazine:

In the interview they asked me what my favourite film was and to impress them I said it was Visconti’s The Leopard and they hired me. From then on I pretended that mainstream cinema was beneath me but all I really want to do is sit on the sofa in my pants and watch The Running Man. I think I need to take a few weeks off to reassess my life.

An inconsolable Cooper was then reminded by a colleague that he was due to get on a plane tomorrow to attend the Lithuanian Film Festival:

I can’t go. Please don’t make go. Why can’t I do the Empire Film Awards for once? I mean sure they’re absurd but at least I’d get to meet Jason Statham.


HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.

Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.

Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.


Yeah. I know.

How did it feel being fired?

Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.


Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.


I’m kidding. I kid.

Not funny, Amy.

Okay so I’m already fitting in.

Hey hurtful. Not cool.

There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.

Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.

Okay, okay, gotcha.

So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?

It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.

Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com