JOHNNY DEPP’S INVISIBLE MAN RELEASED LAST JULY BUT NO ONE SAW IT

Universal’s Dark Universe continued last July with The Invisible Man, starring Johnny Depp.

Following the disappointing critical and popular reception of Tom Cruise’s The Mummy, many took it as read that Universal’s Dark Universe franchise was deader than a non Zombie dead person. However, Johnny Depp revealed that his new adaptation of HG Wells’ classic novel The Invisible Man is not only going ahead but has already been released in early July. 

Jack Sparrow (as he prefers to be know) spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Yeah man, we made and then we released it. But it’s very important for me for the performance and the story and the style to all be consistent. And so I said, hey I’m playing an invisible man right? And everyone said, yes Johnny. And so I said, what if we make the film itself invisible? And everyone laughed and laughed and laughed, but then we did. 

The Invisible Man is now available for digital download, to rent or to buy on blu-ray from all good outlets.

UNIVERSAL SAY DARK UNIVERSE WILL GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – With the Dark Universe in trouble, Universal issue a statement confirming the franchise will go ahead.

The Universal franchise – ‘The Dark Universe’ – is in trouble. Creative heads Alex Kurtzman and Chris Morgan have left – Kurtzman to work on Star Trek Discovery and Morgan to wash his hair – leaving the franchise very much in doubt. The Tom Cruise vehicle The Mummy tanked at the Box Office earlier this year, leading to rumors that the whole project was in trouble. However, today a spokesperson at Universal issued the following statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Although there have been some personnel changes on our creative team, The Dark Universe is to go ahead with a series of films based on iconic monsters from Universal’s cinematic legacy. However, certain changes are going to take place. First of all, The Invisible Man – starring Johnny Depp – will actually be an Invisible Film. The first kind of film ever to be shot with this 0D ground breaking technology, people won’t be able to see it anywhere.

Did you say 0D?

Yes, it’s like 3D, but you know 3 less.

Okay.

The new Frankenstein film will just be a mash up of all the other Frankenstein films. And colorized. Javier Bardem will do the narration.

Right.

Russell Crowe stars in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a new definition of terror.

This sounds good. 

We’re changing the film into a musical and Crowe will be singing all the way through.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I knew you’d like that. We’re just worried about the certificate.

Universal will release the Dark Universe on Monday.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 6 GETS TITLE AND FIRST IMAGES

HOLLYWOOD – Mission Impossible 6 title and first images revealed.

Starring Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible 6’s director Christopher McQuarrie unveiled the title and an early image from the new instalment.  McQuarrie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

The fuse is lit. And I can reveal the title of the new movie Is M:I 6: The Mummy! We’re going in a totally new direction. We’ve had enough of spies and espionage and all that. we’ve already got Jason Bourne and James Bond. So we thought we’d take it in a different direction. Into the supernatural.

Wait so you mean The Mummy is a Mission Impossible film?

What? No. I mean Mission Impossible 6 will follow Ethan and Benji and his team to Egypt where they originally think they’re just going to enjoy some down time. That’s until Benji (played by Simon Pegg) bungles onto the tomb of a cursed pharaoh and in the process unleashes an ancient curse. Then they go back to London. Big mistake!

But this sounds just like The Mummy?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mission Impossible 6: The Mummy will be released in 2018.

FIRST LOOK AT TOM CRUISE IN MUMMY REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – The first sneak peek has been leaked of Tom Cruise in the new Mummy reboot apparently titled Mummy Impossible.

The Tom Cruise version will be a mash up of the original Universal Mummy franchise and the highly successful Mission: Impossible series. As well as the diminutive Cruise, Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames are expected to star  alongside Brendon Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah and Arnold Vosloo.

Tiny Thetan Tom popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about the new mash up:

This is going to be great. What we’re looking at is actually a prequel. I play Ethan Hunt’s grandfather Jeremiah Hunt who is a tall explorer in Ancient Egypt before the outbreak of the First World War.

Sounds great.

With his crack team of experts, Jeremiah Hunt is on the trail of the legendary Brendan Fraser. Some say the Brendan Fraser is a myth a, others believe a terrible curse attends him. All that is sure is that once Brendan Fraser was a bankable star but following one bad film with Elizabeth Hurley, nothing has been seen of him for years.

Bedazzled?

You are? Well, that’s probably an engram. But don’t worry it can be cured with Dianetics and money.

Mummy: Impossible will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS LON CHANEY JR

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Lon Chaney Jr.

Looking through some old photographs recently I was surprised to find one that showed me getting married to Lon Chaney. I know that I’ve been hitched to some fairly unusual women in my time, but you’d think I’d remember that one! It was only when I read the note on the back that I realized we weren’t married at all. It was in fact a still from that wonderful picture, Bride In Bandages.Darling Lonny reprised his role from The Mummy, and I was one of the grooms that he, or rather she, strangled on their wedding night. The movie caused quite a stir when it came out, but not because of the obvious relish with which Lon dispatched his victims.

The problem was that audiences felt that the bride’s skirt was much too short.I didn’t believe there was anything wrong with showing a bit of knee, especially seeing as it was covered in bandages, but the paying punter insisted otherwise. I can still remember the headlines now: Crummy Mummy Totally Slummy! Hide Bride’s Pride! Chaney Zany, Fluffer Duffer! Skirt Flirt Pervert Alert!

I don’t even know what some of them meant but the writing was on the wall and the distributors pulled the picture. Lon was distraught obviously, but I put a consoling arm around his shoulder and said ‘never mind Lonny, worse things happen at knee!’

We howled with laughter, then Lon’s bus arrived and I never saw him again. So if you can’t remember ever seeing Bride In Bandages, now you know why!

It was re-made many many years later as the anti-war film Platoon, but that’s another story…

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DWAYNE ‘THE ROCK’ JOHNSON

HOLLYWOOD – The amount of nonsense written about Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson – star of such films as The Scorpion King, Journey 2 and Fast and Furious 6 – is frankly irritating.

So let the Studio Exec inject the steroids of truth into the flaccid muscle of weak falsehood that surrounds the abs of wonder.

  1. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson got his famous nickname – the Rock – because of his love of the  1996 Michael Bay action picture The Rock starring Sean Connery and with Nicholas Cage. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a massive devotee of the film, literally building his identity around it and has seen it twice.
     
  2. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson did not start out as a professional actor. No. He started his career translating epic Swedish poetry from the middle ages, including a translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik (Erikskronsikan) which was deemed revolutionary in Swedish medieval epic poetry translation circles. Coincidentally the Rock in Swedish is ‘berget’!
  3. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is famous in Hollywood for stealing sequels from Brendan Fraser. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has hated Brendan Fraser ever since Brendan Fraser in the Swedish Medieval Literature Review (1998) referred to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik as ‘merely adequate’. Johnson has stolen The Mummy franchise and the Journey franchise from Fraser, and appeared in Fast and Furious 6 under the mistaken impression that Vin Diesel was Brendan Fraser’s young brother.  
  4. Gibraltar is also occasionally known as The Rock, but Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Gibraltar are unrelated. 
  5. To prepare for his role in GI Joe: Retaliation, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson took to sleeping in a cardboard box with a perspex lid, a perfect mock up of the boxes that the toys which serve as the inspiration for this latest art house feature come in. Tilda Swinton has copied this idea for her recent activity at MOMA.