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THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Have you recently watched The Matrix Resurrections and was left thinking what the f**k was that all about? Never fear, The Studio Exec is here to guide you through the plot and events of the latest instalment in this binary baffling blockbuster franchise. So sit back, relax and take your red pill while we explain The Matrix Resurrections.

The Matrix Resurrections Explained

Ok, right. Where do we start? Neo isn’t dead and he’s back in The Matrix, only this time he’s the creator of The Matrix. No, wait, that’s not right. Let’s go back to the start. There’s a replay of the opening scenes from the original Matrix movie. But it’s not Trinity, well it kind of is but isn’t. And Agent Smith isn’t Agent Smith, but he kind of is. And then Morpheus isn’t Morpheus, but he kind of is… but isn’t. And they don’t need landlines anymore to get out, but do they? Are you following this so far? It’s really quite simple.

Woah Dude!

So Neo isn’t Neo anymore, he’s back to being Mr Anderson, but this time, there’s been a massive reboot deal kind of thing and now he wrote the original Matrix along with some really lazily written ‘gamer types’ because that’s not who this film is for anymore.

My Blue Pill Heaven

The Matrix is now for people in their 40s and 50s. They fill the massive child-shaped gap in their lives with ‘articles of truth’ that can only be found on Facebook and shitty parts of Twitter. They’ll happily explain to you how we’re all controlled by the ‘liberal mass media’. And The Matrix is a metaphor for this. They’ll usually be found at your cousin’s party (a friend of a friend, but nobody ever admits to directly being their friend) in the kitchen, opening everyone’s eyes and ignoring the knowing glances being exchanged by anyone who can hear the bullshit coming from them. But back to The Matrix Resurrections.

Café Neo

There’s a great deal of coffee drunk, longing stares and backwards looks while we all wait for the McGuffin to kick in and we can start watching them hammer the shit out of everything. Thankfully, there’s no 20 minute dance sequences in this one and this is more meta than an Interdimensional Cable episode of Rick and Morty. But beware, there’s no Ball Fondlers.

Fight Or Flight?

But then there’s a thing they have to fight for, and so begins all the Kapow! Thwap! Bang! Brum-bruuuum! And somehow there’s suicide bombers and lots of bullet time with Neo endlessly holding back bullets. The ending plays like a cross between the endings of Thelma and Louise and The Blues Brothers. And then that’s it. We wait for the numbers to kick in, to see if it’s worth making another or just flog it to death on next-gen consuls. Oh, I nearly forgot, who the f**k did that Rage Against The Machine cover at the end? If ever there was a reason to take the blue pill, that was it.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Currently In Cinemas

THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS PLOT LEAKS

MOVIE NEWS – With the release of the first trailer for Lana Wachowski’s 4th Matrix film comes the inevitable, as The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks online. Hackers have gained access to Warner Bros final shooting script and the details are staggering. The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks will turn not only your rabbit, but also your shit white.

The Matrix Resurrections Plot Leaks Feel Weirdly Familiar

The Exec has read the script. And even after reading it, this is all we could figure out. We join Neo in a new reality where he is now known as John Wick. For years he has been an international super assassin with a soft spot for dogs. But now he’s in retirement… and therapy with Dr. Doogie Howser. Mirrors are now portals our hero can walk through. So there’s that.

Oh Jeez, Don’t Even Trip Dawg

Talking of portals, a strange Doctor with a weird child sidekick arrives through a green portal, claiming to be the smartest being in the Universe, but he disappears halfway through for an annoying mid-season break. So we’re back with Neo-sorry- John Wick (it’s confusing when they have the same hair). And he bumps into Trinity, although she isn’t and doesn’t recognize him. And he isn’t, and doesn’t either. So that’s all clear.

Crash, Bang, Zoom

And then shit starts exploding and there’s punching and kicking in bullet time. And The Matrix is now the hotel for assassins run by Lovejoy from Deadwood. There’s a really important Macguffin in one of the rooms. It’s really mysterious and wrapped up in pseudo-eastern philosophy. It’s like Sun Tzu rewriting Cloud Atlas filtered through Ayn Rand. This stuff is so convoluted, they had to get that friggin’ douche, The Architect back just to explain this stuff to justify blowing up a helicopter. We don’t care, just blow the fucking helicopter up. But don’t panic. Neo still says ‘Woah’ at least once every reel. And he still knows Kung Fu.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Released In December, And We Can’t Wait

RUSSIANS HAVE WEAPONIZED MATRIX RELOADED

MOSCOW – Intelligent sources accuse the Russian government of weaponizing Matrix Reloaded.

For years the second Matrix film – Matrix Reloaded – was just a bad memory but now it seems that the Russian secret service have succeeded in weaponizing the film. An NSA source spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

What has happened is in some of the darker reaches of the Russian spy agency, Matrix Reloaded has been turned into a weapon. The nerve agent is reverse engineered from the feeling the biggest Matrix fan got when sitting in the cinema for the first forty minutes of Matrix Reloaded. That feeling of excitement and enthusiasm gradually curdling into a a sense of having ashes in your mouth and a lump of mould where your heart used to be has been isolated and can now be reproduced chemically.

Jesus Christ.

I know. They’ve been trying something similar in North Korea with Attack of the Clones, but people already knew what to expect. And phantom Menace doesn’t quite work because there was always the Duel of the Fates music and the Pod Race to latch onto.

Is there a danger that the Russians might launch an attack?

There’s a very really possibility that they already did in 2017. Don’t you remember how you just felt joyless all the time?

I guess.

And for some reason couldn’t stop thinking about how Laurence Fishburne has put on a lot of weight?

Good God!

You see?

Matrix Reloaded will be buried in a vault in a deep deep mountain.

SCRIPT LEAK: THE MATRIX REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – We received a script leak that purports to be an early draft of The Matrix Reboot.

The Matrix reboot is taking place, whether we want it or not. The Studio Exec has received an early draft of the script. We decided to publish and Warner Bros. be damned. Here it is:

MORPHEUS and NEO sit in a dark green room. Morpheus opens his hands to reveal that in each palm there rests a pill. One is red and one is blue. Speaking very slowly Morpheus explains.

MORPHEUS

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

NEO (confused)

Well, I…

MORPHEUS

Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo takes the blue pill.

THE END.

For more Script Leaks, Click Here.

ELON MUSK SAYS WE’RE LIVING IN THE MATRIX, BUT NOT THE MATRIX RELOADED

HOLLYWOOD – Entrepreneur and battery salesman Elon Musk today announced that we are almost definitely living in The Matrix but added not The Matrix Reloaded to everyone’s relief.

The founder of Tesla and SpaceX Elon Musk speaking at Recode’s Code Conference yesterday announced that we are almost definitely living in a simulation.

If you think of how far video game technology has gone in the past thirty years. We’ve basically gone from Pong to VR and soon that VR will be indistinguishable from reality, which begs the question how do we know that we are not already in some simulation, designed by beings who are far more advanced than we think we are. And the weird thing is they don’t have to be aliens or anything like that, because the word ‘alien’ assumes we’re living in a certain place and there are other places outside this place, whereas if we are living in a simulation all those concepts are up for grabs. We could be the designers of our own VR simulations and one of the realistic features of the VR universe where we are currently living is that we block our memory of the non VR universe, in order to make this one seem even more real. So we’re basically in The Matrix, but with a better color scheme. If you think about it the Matrix was always green which was a dead giveaway. But we are definitely not in The Matrix Reloaded, because frankly this world is much better than that pile of steaming horse plop. Now why am I saying this, other than the obvious reason that I’m Elon Musk and that’s kind of my schtick? Well, if you remember the original film, we weren’t willingly participants, we were in fact being exploited as a power sources for the machines.

Batteries!

You got it Exec. And what do I make?

Batteries!

You see? I can’t promise anything but if I make really good batteries maybe our mission will be complete and we can see what the real universe looks like.

But how would we know it is the real universe?

Exec! Mind. Blown.

Elon Musk will be appearing in your nightmares.

BACK TO THE FUTURE DAY IS A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists have revealed that Back to the Future Day represent a serious glitch in the Matrix and might bring the virtual reality universe in which we unwittingly live crashing down around our ears.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Neil deGrasse Tyson has warned that October 21st 2015 in matching the date to which Marty McFly and Doc Brown travel at the end of Back to the Future – the so called Back to the Future Day – represents a major paradox in the space time film reality continuum.

‘It’s like Inception, but times like a squillion,’ said the noted astrophysicist.

The only solution that I can think of is to hand over all our most essential computing tasks to SkyNet, a system of coordinated AI servers that I invented with the help of the HAL 2000. Aside from his amazing computing skills and innovative imagination, Hal also has a screen writing credit on Terminator Genisys and plays a great game of squash.

But why does Back to the Future Day represent such a threat?

The thing is when the fictive universe created in film coincides with our own universe, which we like to call ‘real’ but which is in fact only another fiction, then this creates a paradox. Imagine we crossed the beams in Ghostbusters, or like in 12 Monkeys, Madeline Stowe was actually here right now doing things and Bruce Willis was a moderately good actor! Hard to handle, right? Once such a paradox occurs who knows what will happen. My personal guess is that it’ll be like watching Looper on a loop, or dreaming about Inception. People begin designing hover boards and professing a love of Huey Lewis and the News. Once that happens, I’m afraid it is game over.

But won’t SkyNet seek to take over the world and destroy all human resistance?

Well, yes, but you have to ask yourself: is that such a bad thing?

Happy Back to the Future Day from the Studio Exec.

AGENT SMITH WILL BE IN JOHN WICK 2

HOLLYWOOD – John Wick 2 will see Keanu Reeves reunited with his oldest foe – Agent Smith.

The internet exploded today when the news came in that Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) will be coming up against John Wick in the sequel to the surprise action hit film of last year: John Wick 2. Although little is known of the new film, stunt men turned directing team Chad Stahelski and David Leitch popped around to the Studio Exec Bungalow to shoot the breeze, and the waiters, the dog, the glassware, the curtains and an exploding car: which they walked away from without looking back.

We loved directing Keanu in the old movie and we are absolutely hyped about the new one. But we felt that it needed an extra push to make it better and we’re both great admirers of the cinema of Paul Thomas Anderson and particularly what he did with the Predator and Alien franchise in Predator V Alien. And so we thought how can we cross over John Wick with something else Keanu has done. Originally we worked on a script called John Wick’s Bogus Journey, but it didn’t quite match the tone and then we thought, what if John Wick was actually taking place in another version of the Matrix before Neo was Neo? When he was John Wick? You see?

I get it.

Wick gets the job of killing Agent Smith, but of course that isn’t going to be easy. This will heighten the tension quite a bit. And we already have a scene where Smith says ‘Mr. Anderson’ and Keanu goes, ‘Err, no, John Wick, dude.’ And then blows his ass away. Oops Spoiler.

John Wick V Agent Smith will be released in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT POINT BREAK

HOLLYWOOD – The first trailer for the Point Break remake caused waves today, then surfed those waves with CGI like style, but what do we actually know about Point Break?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad, wearing masks of former presidents, to heist the shit out of the Point Break FACT vault and this is our haul:

1. The original Point Break came out in 1991, was directed by Kathryn Bigelow and starred Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves and was made famous by the line ‘Nobody puts baby in the corner’, when Patrick Swayze finally gets Keanu to dance in front of his uptight parents.

2. Keanu Reeves plays Johnny Utah, but revealed in a recent interview that he has never been to Utah.

3. The script of Point Break was written by the Wachowski siblings. They later revealed that the whole film was actually a prequel to the Matrix and if you look carefully you can see several glitches which reveal the Matrix at work. The line ‘Not too bright’ apparently came from an episode that happened to Patrick Swayze while making the film, when he tried to eat a jar of gherkins with his hands tied behind his back.

4. Patrick Swayze almost died while making the film and this gave him the idea of writing and directing Ghost, in which he starred with Bruce Willis.

5. The events the film depicted were based on a true story that Gary Busey experienced while on mescaline.

For more FACTS click HERE.

THE NATION OBSERVES THE MATRIX MEMORIAL DAY

HOLLYWOOD – In school rooms, senate houses and post offices across the country a minute’s silence is to be held for the first time in respect and grief for Matrix Memorial Day.

At eleven o’clock this morning, television stations will interrupt their broadcasts, trains and buses will halt by the side of the road and the internet just will be slow working as everyone in America and in many places across the globe bow their heads in sad contemplation and weary meditation, thinking back to the years when The Matrix trilogy was released.

Rep. Ted Billingsgate, who was one of the signatories of the Bill which saw The Matrix Memorial Day signed into law, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

There have been bad films in the past. Some really terrible films. One only has to think of Battlefield Earth, or Meet the Fockers, but what makes The Matrix Trilogy such a trauma for our nation is that the first one was really good. Coming in the same year as The Phantom Menace it salved some of the wounds left fresh by the prequel. There was hope that a new saga would rise from the ashes of the old. And then came The Matrix Reloaded. Oh boy!

Cultural psychologist Peter Ashcroft argues:

Released in 2000, The Matrix Reloaded is widely regarded as more psychologically damaging than the death of a family member. After all, with some of our family we simply don’t get on. In the space it took to watch that film, hopes were dashed and many resorted to alcohol and drug abuse to ease the pain. And the came The Matrix: Revolutions.

It is hoped that Matrix Memorial Day will help many to overcome the deep and bitter memories of those films, but there has been some controversy over the effectiveness of the legislation. Political activist and world famous linguist, Noam Chomsky wrote in a recent article for the New York Times:

It is all very well pausing for a moment in communal thought, stopping our lives and so forth, but I would remind you that the Wachowskis have never faced trial, never been brought to account in any way and although following The Matrix Reloaded there were many well meaning voices declaring, as with one voice, NEVER AGAIN, they have been allowed to make not only Speed Racer but also Cloud Atlas and perhaps most damning of all Jupiter Ascending.

However, despite such voices of dissent regarding the extent of The Matrix Memorial Day, no voice has been raised in defence of the sequels and even the original film has been blamed as ‘an enabler’.

The Matrix Memorial Day will see services across the country and a minute’s silence observed at 11 am, EST.

THE WACHOWSKIS ‘STILL ALLOWED TO MAKE FILMS’

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was shocked today to learn the Wachowski siblings were still permitted to direct films.

Following the disasters of Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer, Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, many had believed that there would be some kind of legal mechanism which would keep Lena and Andy Wachowski as far as possible from a director’s chair and camera as humanly possible, tying them up and putting them in some kind of cage if necessary.
However, the Studio Exec has it on good authority that alongside a sequel to Cloud Atlas currently being prepped, the Wachowskis also have a film which will be released in July. Jupiter Ascending is described as a sequel to Space Nugget 3D, the Dan Harmon film which will open Cannes this year.

Lana Wachowski telephoned in the early hours of the morning to tell us more:

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones, a janitor with a genetic secret that she is actually the future leader of the universe. Channing Tatum is a guy sent back to rescue and protect her.

How does it connect to Space Nugget 3D?

Space Nugget 3D exists in the same universe, but the stories are very different. We are hoping to put in some in-jokes for those Nugget-heads who are in the know, but it won’t be necessary to have seen Space Nugget 3D in order to enjoy Jupiter Ascending, although knowing Dan Harmon’s work I would advise everyone to go and see it anyway.

How do you respond to those who believe your work is an abomination and you shouldn’t be allowed to make any more films?

Oh they’re absolutely right. But as long as someone gives us the money we’re going to carry on. Ha ha ha. Ha.

Jupiter Jones will be released in July, 2015.