HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has announced that his next film will be a biopic on the life of President Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America.

Despite having a full slate with the Prometheus sequel on the cards, Ridley Scott has confirmed that he will be also lensing a new biopic of the first Afro-American President Barack Obama. Scott came into the Studio Exec office to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his project.

I was under a lot of criticism for Exodus: Gods and Kings for the casting and I really resented the fact that there were accusations of white washing and therefore what could only be racism on my part. I wanted a way of expressing myself that would make it clear that I am far from being a racist. So what better than a biopic of our first black president?

And who will play Obama?

Matt Damon.

But he’s…

A wonderful actor I know.

But he’s not black.

He’s not gay either and you should have seen him banging Liberace in Behind the Candelabra.

The President will be released in 2017.


HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott replies to accusations of white washing in his casting of The Martian.

Another Ridley Scott – film another casting controversy. First Exodus: Gods and Kings, then his projected Roots remake and now this time his latest film, The Martian is the film under fire, though the cast includes gender diversity and racial diversity, many have argued that the film is still not diverse enough, with one of its main characters not being from the place that their name would suggest.

Ridley Scott popped into the Studio Exec Bungalow to discuss the matter and offer a rebuttal:

The film is called The Martian and it has as its lead character Mark Watney. Matt Damon, one of the best actor’s of his generation, plays the role perfectly and what’s more his name is a surefire way of getting people into the cinema. He is a star. And this film with the budget it has, not huge but still this is a big film, I can’t make that money back if I cast so and so from Mars, who no one has ever heard of.

But some are saying with so few films being made about Mars it seems a pity not to have an actual Martian in the role of The Martian.

I know and I appreciate that, but ultimately this is a business and the number of real Martian actors who can open a film are very few. There’s Will Smith and that’s it.

What about Taylor Kitsch?

Oh come on. Be serious.

The Martian is currently on release.


THE MARTIAN – REVIEW: or Saving Matt Damon Part 3 – in which Matt Damon goes to Mars and gets left behind and has to survive like Robinson Crusoe on Mars.

When a storm causes the crew to abort their scientific mission on Mars, Mark Wantey (Damon), the botanist, is hit by some debris and left for dead as the rocket blasts off. Alone and facing a four-year stay on the dead red planet, Watney uses all his scientific know how to grow food, create water and repair the Hab (the plastic dome) which was only designed for a thirty-day mission. Meanwhile, on Earth NASA slowly realizes that its astronaut is not dead and, led by Jeff Daniels, must quickly improvise a rescue mission to try and save him.

The Martian is the first film I’ve seen that’s not about Reality TV but entirely takes on the grammar of Reality TV. The tale of can-do survival is filmed by Ridley Scott as if it was one of those interactive documentaries on the Discovery Channel.  First we have the video journals of Watney, which are delivered with that same jokey intimacy of a contender on a show about getting off an island. Then we have speeded up film as he puts his plan into action. And finally a jaunty soundtrack, full of toe tapping hits with some lyrical relevance to what is going on. There are no adversaries – except the harshness of the environment and the cold distances of space – nor is there any real tension. Although the danger of Watney dying is obviously there, no one is going to be wicked, cowardly, upset, or flummoxed. Jesus Christ, even Sean Bean is a decent person and he doesn’t die!

There’s nothing wrong with this. The Martian has to be the most bright-eyed and bushy-tailed view of the new Space Age since the first season of Star Trek. The fact that there isn’t really a new Space Age is just a detail: The Martian is almost willing it into existence and that’s no bad thing. It’s tight, efficient and intelligent entertainment, but it does leave one wondering where Matt Damon is going next and who is going to have to rescue him.

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LEGEND – REVIEW – The Studio Exec called on two special reviewers to give their personal response to Tom Hardy’s latest London Gangster epic Legend.

What did you think of Legend, Ronnie?

Well Reggie, I thought it was a bit silly.

You what, Ronnie?

Yeah, a bit silly, Reggie.

Are you having a Turkish, Ronnie?

Nah, straight up, Reggie.

Are you saying that the film Legend, what I am in, is a bit silly, Ronnie?

I’m not inclined to repeat myself a second time, Reggie.

You’re taking liberties, Ronnie. The actor, Tom Hardy, is a bloody marvel.

Did you hear me disparage the actor, Tom Hardy, Reggie?

I never heard you disparage the actor, Tom Hardy, Ronnie, but by saying that the film Legend, what I am in, is a bit silly, you lead me to assume that the actor, Tom Hardy, is also a bit silly.

Well you know what I always say about assumption, don’t you Reggie?

Nah, what do you always say, Ronnie?

I always say that if you assume, I’m going to cut your fucking bollocks off, Reggie.

Cut my fucking bollocks off, Ronnie?

Your fucking bollocks, Reggie.

Fair enough. What did you think of The Martian, Ronnie?

Well I thought it was a masterpiece of modern cinema, Reggie. A spellbinding story of mankind’s ability to overcome the harsh realities of nature through the advancement of science and technology. It was undoubtedly a return to form for the director, Ridley Scott and now I am very much looking forward to the sequel to his extraordinary science fiction epic, Prometheus.


What, Reggie?

I’m going to cut your fucking bollocks off.

Legend and The Martian are on general release.

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HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon celebrated his return from Mars with an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show where he spoke for the first time of the difficulty of being a male lesbian in Hollywood.

The Bourne Identity and Informant! star Matt Damon appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show earlier this week and opened up about his experiences living as a lesbian in Hollywood.

Everyone thinks it must be easy. California is a liberal state and Los Angeles is a pretty liberal town, but the fact of the matter is even in the industry it isn’t easy to be a lesbian. I look at my career and I see the choices that I have sometimes had to make and I see doors that have perhaps closed because of my sexuality and I can’t help but wonder did I make the right choice to come out so early in my career. I salute Ellen Paige for coming out when she did, but it has to be said I’d kind of done all the hard work already.

Ellen seemed bemused by the comments and got laughter from the studio audience with her response, ‘But Matt, you’re a man!’ However, Damon didn’t seem to hear or care:

Exactly! And being a man is what makes it doubly dangerous. Doubly difficult. As I told The Guardian earlier this week, the amount of hostility and suspicion that I first received from lesbians themselves… I’m there trying to tell them, I’m a lesbian and they’re throwing my penis in my face as if that’s something that should or could stop me.

Late this week, Matt Damon will be on Oprah talking about weight issues and his experience as a fat black man.


HOUSTON – NASA today announced that they have found conclusive proof of liquid Matt Damon on Mars.

The existence of liquid Matt Damon on Mars has been a posited as a theoretical possibility ever since the Nineteenth Century. The Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli observed the Red Planet in 1877 and started a new craze following a mistranslation of his word channels as ‘canals’ which gave many the idea that there were also Gondoliers and bridges. Frozen Matt Damon has already been observed, but the chances of finding liquid Matt Damon were thought to be slim because of the weak atmospheric pressure which would allow Damon to evaporate, or freeze due to the extremely low temperature.

Scientist Howard Wells told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The nest we’ve been able to do is look for trace elements of Matt Damon. Evidence that he was at some point here. So far this has been a case of looking for where Ben Affleck is and then by a form of trigonometry working out a notional positioning of the Damon, liquid or otherwise. Stephen Soderbergh can be brought in to adjust the calculations.

The first image of Damon on Mars has become a classic and iconic image, reportedly much better than Ocean’s 13 but not as good as the first Bourne film. Ridley Scott who coincidentally filmed The Martian starring Matt Damon on Mars remarked that he was delighted:

Those NASA boys are fantastic. While we were on Mars filming, Matt Damon had a tinkle behind a rock and I said to him ‘Hey, they’ll be claiming they’ve found liquid Matt Damon on Mars next!’ and you know what, as soon as I heard they were making this announcement, I thought, ‘oh no!’

The Martian is on general release.