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PEDRO PASCAL TO REPLACE GINA CARANO IN THE MANDALORIAN

HOLLYWOOD – Pedro Pascal cast as Cara Dune following Gina Carano’s departure from The Mandalorian.

Casting news came thick and fast today: Gina Carano out, and Pedro Pascal in as Cara Dune in The Mandalorian. This follows the news that he will also take up duties in the new film based on The Last of Us. We asked the Wonder Woman 1984 baddie if he might not be stretching himself too thin:

I hope not. I know what you mean. It is a lot of work, but even more than that there is a fear that I get overexposed. We’ve seen that happen with the great Sam Worthington. One year he was absolutely everywhere, the next, not so much.

How are you going to ensure you don’t?

With The Mandalorian it’s actually going to be quite easy. You see my character can easily be played by a double. You never see my face, so apart from my voice, that can be covered. I’m already around. I know Cara’s lines and I know her character. So it isn’t difficult for me to pick up from where Gina left off. To be honest, Gina is a really bad actor. She can kick your ass, no doubt about it. But she couldn’t act her way out of a wet paper bag.

Where are you from originally Pedro?

Yorkshire.

Really? Your name sounds…

Yes, I know. My parents moved over when I was nowt but a babby. And I’ve had to work a lot on my accent. Eee it’s been tough. But now I feel I’m established, I’d like to come back and rediscover my roots.

Whereabouts in Yorkshire?

Holmfirth. That’s why once I’ve finished everything on my current slate, I’d love to come back and do a film version of Last of the Summer Wine. Also, I’m perhaps a bit too young right now. Maybe I’ll just let the idea stew for a while and come back to it when I’m old enough to play Compo.

The Mandalorian Season 3 is filming.

DISNEY+ BUY CLOSED CINEMAS

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ buy closed cinemas across North America and Europe.

In a press conference earlier today, the mouse mafiosa announced Disney+ will buy closed cinemas, turning them into Disney+ stores.

Closed Cinemas ‘Re-educated’

The kiddies Cosa Nostra confirmed they intend to buy any cinema that has been forced to close over the last year because of the Covid19 pandemic, so they may ‘re-educate’ them into Disney+ stores. They will then sell Disney+ products and merchandise, much like Apple Stores. Customers will have to make appointments with their own ‘Mickey Consultant’ before they can buy anything.

It’s A Trap!

Disney spokesperson, Jordan Belfort confirmed, ‘Soon, every closed art-house, boutique and multiplex cinema will be re-educated into a Disney+ Wonderland Store. Any Disney+ subscriber will need to make ‘In-house Upgrades’ in order to continue to take advantage of their subscription service. They will be required to buy the appropriate merchandise if they wish to watch their favorite shows and movies. For example, if you like The Mandalorian, you WILL have to buy a Baby Yoda Grogu Collectable. Each purchase will send a code direct to your Wifi router which will unlock the show. A brand new purchase will be required for each profile on the account. None of that family code sharing crap. Mickey gotta get paid.’

This Is The Way

I put it to Jordan that this was an unfair and unethical marketing strategy that takes advantage of loyal and devoted fans. He replied, ‘Hahahahahahaha! Frankly, you’ve all bought this upon yourselves. The Disney conglomerate family were happy to just keep making millions and millions each year on kid’s stuff. You know what I mean, Cinderella, Bambi, fucking Pete’s Dragon, whatever man. But oh no. Then we got these fucking so-called adults. You know the ones. They wear film related t-shirts, even though they’re in their 40s. They’ll sit at work and tut at you if you ‘don’t get’ their latest reference to a fucking superhero film. Then actually look at you like YOU’RE the prick!’

‘They started buying our shit in droves. What else were they gonna spend their money on? It wasn’t going on dates or having their own kids, that’s for sure. They gotta fill the gaping void with something, anything that fills the silence. So they bought collectables to stop crying themselves to sleep every night. I mean, we couldn’t make this shit quick enough. They just gobbled it down like a $20 hooker. We stopped making millions and millions. We were making billions and billions man! It was beautiful. We didn’t have to lift a finger. With great money comes great power. Fuck the responsibility part. That’s Spiderman’s gig, and we don’t own him. Fucking Sony Pictures do-gooder.

That’s Chinatown

Mr Belfort then nodded to two associates at the back of the room, one dressed as Goofy, one as Daffy Duck. They removed me from the room, took me into a back alley and kicked the living shit out of me. I was pissing blood for a month. But at least while I was in traction, I was able to re-watch all the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies in Timeline Order. EXCELSIOR!

BOBA FETT SPEAKS OUT ABOUT HIS ROLE IN THE MANDALORIAN

TATOOINE – Boba Fett speaks in an exclusive interview about his participation in The Mandalorian.

Boba Fett joined us earlier today to speak EXCLUSIVELY about his new TV series The Mandalorian. He looked tired and he tilted his head to one side as if listening for something.

How are you today Boba?

I’m good. Thanks for asking.

So it must be exciting times.

Are you kidding? I’m over the moon. I mean any day that I’m not being digested by the Serlacc is a good day as far as I’m concerned.

About that.

How’d I escape?

Yeah.

It wasn’t too hard. You see I was wearing armor and although the Serlacc is a formidable beast, it doesn’t like metal that much. Plus something not very many people know is the creature has tonsils. Once you get far enough back you can just tickle these and there’s a huge puke and you fly right out.

How long were you in there?

A year. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather talk about something else. I hate the fact everyone remembers that and not all the cool stuff I did.

So tell us about your appearance in the Mandalorian.

Love to. I’m a huge Pedro Pascal fan so I was keen to see what he would do. And I wasn’t disappointed. I also noticed how he’d taken some ideas out of the old Fett playbook. When I got the call that they wanted me to be involved I couldn’t be happier.

What do you play?

Myself. Obviously. I am a Bounty Hunter and I go after Han Solo and Chewbacca and then I capture them and then instead of carbon freezing I kill them.

Oh, that sounds… wait a minute The Mandalorian is set…

And then I go to Tatooine and I shove Jabba into the Serlacc pit. And then I get Pedro Pascal and I make sweet sweet love to him. But we keep our armor on so it’s very metally and sparky.

That sounds like just a series of fantasies you have.

That is also true.

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