HOLLYWOOD – The story that Amy Schumer is to star in a Barbie movie is not a parody story written by us.

Amy Schumer is actually supposed to be appearing in a live action movie based on the Barbie Doll. This is a real thing and not something that we put out for shits and giggles. Hollywood’s gone so far beyond parody, the best we can do it stand still and hope they lap us. The Sony movie will feature Schumer in the role of the Mattel doll which has done so much for body image over the decades. In a way, we have to look on in admiration as Hollywood consistently comes up with ideas that we would have dismissed as too far out for us. Then again we could be wrong. The Lego Movie looked like a joke, but it turned out to be a really funny one. And intentionally too. So who’s to say?

Not us.

Barbie is set to be released in 2018.


HOLLYWOOD – The Secret Actor is a new blog written by an Oscar nominated actor who still lives and works in Los Angeles in the film industry but wishes to write in a state of anonymity so he can fearlessly lift the lid on the industry and spill the beans on Hollywood.

Hi, I’m Josh Brolin and I’d like to tell you about how … wait a second. Let me start this again. I’m the Secret Actor. I am working in Hollywood and have done so ever since I was a kid. Hell, I kind of grew up on screen you might say. There are lots of secrets that I could tell and under the shield of anonymity and with no fear of litigation, I finally have the opportunity, thanks to my good friend, the Studio Exec, to do so.

When I was filming No Country for Old Men with the Coen Brothers, they came up to me… Sheet. Goddamn it. What I meant to say was when I was filming a film with … two directors … who might have been brothers, but I don’t know, it might have been The Lego Movie, because that has two directors. Anyhow, when I was in that film they came up to me and they said, ‘Josh, we want you to try it another way.’ ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘How would you like me to do it?’

‘Well,’ said Ethan. ‘We’d like you to turn towards the window and…’

‘Mr. Brolin, here’s your hotdog,’ said a runner, handing me the hotdog. Don’t go thinking that’s a clue to my identity. I know lots of people who eat hotdogs.

‘Go on,’ I told the director.

‘And smile sadly.’

Hmmm. I thought about it as I munched. I nodded because I’m quite well-mannered and I don’t speak with my mouth full. And no. I’m not Roger Moore.

We did the scene and I followed what the director had suggested. They seemed happy with the scene and we went on to the next set up. I felt bad that I hadn’t asked more questions. I wasn’t sure if I had perhaps acquiesced too readily in their version of the story. What about me I thought as I drove back to the hotel? What about my vision? But when I saw the finished film I noticed that I looked great turning to the window and smiling sadly. So it was a good thing that I had done this. It taught me an important lesson. Listen to the directors.

Oh, and don’t eat hot dogs. I had dysentery that night.

More Secret Actor Writes… soon.



HOLLYWOOD – Intellectual film critic Mordant Aziz found himself irritated earlier today following a screening he attended of Chris Miller and Phil Lord’s The Lego Movie.

Prof. Aziz fully expected to hate the film and find within it ‘the glib vacuous commercialism endemic in post-millennial Hollywood’ which he has contrasted on many previous occasions with the zesty experiments of the nouvelle vague and the beautiful ambiguities of Golden Age Seventies cinema.

Prof. Aziz – author of The Instability of Nicholas Cage – told the Studio Exec and several confidants:  

Throughout the film I chuckled, other times I laughed out loud. I enjoyed the film thoroughly and even believe that it had a coherent view of the world, which it also managed to problematize in a way which few other films bother with. In fact the film is the most interesting critique of ideology since John Carpenter’s They Live.

And yet you are irritated?

Absolutely. The pleasure I derived from watching the film and even the nourishment (intellectually speaking) is completely at odds with my thesis on the moral bankruptcy of product placement and the creative death of tent pole toy based franchises à la Bay.

So your thesis will need revising?

Fortunately, no. You see this is the beauty of  academia and post-modernism more generally. The Lego Movie is post-ironic irony. 

Come again?

It means I can enjoy it while knowing that my detachment and annoyance are wholly intended and therefore intellectually justified while still retaining my ability to look down on the popular audience who are enjoying the film wrongly.

Incorrectly you mean.

Fuck you.

The Lego Movie 2: The Piece You Stand On will be released in 2016. 


NEW YORK – Oldboy director Spike Lee has lashed out at the new box office sensation and critical darling Phil Lord and Christopher Miller’s The Lego Movie, claiming that it’s ‘racist, or something’.

In a seventeen minute rant, the veteran director of Inside Man, repeatedly claimed the film ‘had not been directed by me and therefore could not be thought of in any way good.’  

These guys, I mean who are they? Lego are Danish, right? And Danes were like blond haired and blue eyed and who else were blond haired and blue eyed? That’s right Nazis! The Lego Movie is actually a remake of Triumph of the Will.

The audience at the 3.45 showing of The Lego Movie at first seemed bemused by the famous motormouth’s unannounced introduction to the film. One witness, Timmy (aged 7) said:

The scary man was shouting and raving about how his film was neglected while we all wanted to see films about toys and didn’t watch serious drama. He asked me why I hadn’t been to see Oldboy and when I told him it was because I felt it was redundant having already seen the Chan Wook Park original, he got real mad.   

After a while, witnesses said that Mr. Lee apparently ran out of steam and collapsed into his chair and the film was able to resume. Some said they heard the director sobbing quietly.

The Sweet Blood of Jesus will be released in 2016.