STAR WARS FANDOM IS NOT RACIST

HOLLYWOOD – Following shocking reports of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Moses Ingram being bombarded with racist abuse, fans of the franchise insisted Star Wars fandom is not racist. We spoke to a source within the Star Wars fandom community, who for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous.

Can You Explain Why Star Wars Fandom Isn’t Racist? Because It Kind OF Seems That Way From The Outside.

I want this to be anonymous. Is my face blacked out? Oh, actually I don’t mean blacked. I mean… oh Christ! And, and not just Christ, Allah also. And the Jewish one, but that might be Christ also. He was king of the jews, wasn’t he? Is there an atheist equivalent? Dawkins, Stephen Fry or Carl Sagan? Oh shit. What was the question again?

This Is A Written Interview, Nobody Will See Your Face.

Thank goodness for that. I can’t say too much. I’m risking everything just talking to you.

Why Is That?

Why?! Some of those guys, because let’s face it, they’re gonna be guys, are fucking crazy man. As long we’re all hating the same things they hate, everything is sweet. But as soon as you differ a parsec from what they love or hate (there’s no in-between), they will hunt you down to the farthest reaches of the outer rim. And by that I mean Facebook.

To Be Honest, It Doesn’t Sound Like A Very Friendly Community.

You know, it used to be great. We’d all rank our favorite bounty hunters or talk about how to pronounce Gamorrean. But then, the prequels came out and Jar-Jar happened. That’s when things got ugly. I blame Jar-Jar. But we all eventually got over that and we had a new trilogy to look forward to. And in the trailer, they gave us that shot of John Boyega. And then Kelly Marie Tran happened.

Sounds To Me Like You Have A Problem With People Of Color And Women Who Aren’t White?

Yeah? Well, think what you want buddy. But I know we can all agree that Darth Vader is cool as fuck… and white.

You Do Know James Earl Jones Is Black, Don’t You?

He’s what?

Get Out Of Here You Racist Piece Of Shit.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Currently Streaming On Disney+

JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

STAR WARS IS CHILDISH SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas’ 1977 space opera Star Wars is to cinema what Weetabix is to cuisine.

Star Wars! May the Fourth be with you! Get it? because it sounds a little bit like Force. May the Force be with you. May the 4th be with you. See? No? Screw you. In the Studio Exec office an argument broke out. You see there was an article claiming that Empire Strikes Back was actually a terrible Star Wars movie. We weren’t agreeing or denying it. Rather, we were all argue about who gave less of a fuck. You see Star Wars is a children’s film, but all the children who liked it now own media companies, film studios and edit newspapers. So it’s become what can only be described as a thing.

I speak as someone who queued to watch the Star Wars when it was just a Baby Yoda. And I loved it. And I saw Empire Strikes Back in a theater in old Ireland a long time ago. Before Luke Skywalker actually ended up living there. I watched every single Star Wars film in the cinema. Even the unflushed toilet that is Attack of the Clones. I tried so hard to like Phantom Menace, I had to go to hospital with a strained face. But somewhere along the way, we got lost. I mean come on. Fighting about The Last Jedi like it means something? Upset with JJ Abrams – the maker of Lost  – because he didn’t nail the landing. The. Maker. of. Lost.

Crazy stuff. We got the toys, the universe, music, the sound effects, the comic books, the movies and now the TV shows, animated and otherwise and it’s just going to go on and on. The nerds have become geeks and the geeks have taken over the world. And like grown up kids they want to have dessert for dinner and cereal for lunch. Well, tuck in assholes. And may the diabetes be with you.

The Studio Exec utterly disclaims this article.

JJ ABRAMS REVEALS STAR WARS EPISODE 9 WILL HAVE ALTERNATE TIME LINE

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams today revealed that the next episode of Star Wars – Episode 9 – will tak eplace in an alternate timeline.

Following the success of The Force Awakens, JJ Abrams returns to direct episode 9 of Star Wars. Today Abrams dropped round to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his ideas for the film:

I watched The Last Jedi and I loved what Rian did. But I won’t lie: it kinda knocked what i wanted to do into a cocked hat. I’d written a whole script assuming that I’d have some characters who died. And there were also some questions that I was thinking of in a different way. For the past months I’d tried to work out how to make my and Rian’s vision coincide. Then I watched Star Trek on TV, the movie I made and it clocked. Alternate timelines. My movie will start off exactly where Rian’s begins but a time bomb will go off shattering the Star Trek universe into two. I’m only sad I can’t get Leonard Nimoy to come in at the beginning and explain everything to the audience.

Can you tell us anything else?

I’m afraid that an iconic space vessel is going to explode.

Not the Millennium Falcon!?

What? No! The Starship Enterprise.

The news was greeted with relief by some fans and consternation by others. A clearly fatigued Mark Hamill commented: ‘Whatever’.

Star Wars: Episode 9 There Are Actually Other Jedis will be released in 2019.

LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!  

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars. 

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

 

RON HOWARD CALLED IN TO DIRECT THE LAST JEDI

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Howard replaces Rian Johnson on Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi.

Han Solo director Ron Howard has taken over from Rian Johnson as the director of the eighth instalment of the Star Wars series, The Last Jedi. The decision came down late last night and hit the internets early this morning. Howard spoke to the Studio Exec immediately:

I was talking with Kathleen about the process and how Rian was doing. They were really happy and everything seemed honky tonky, but I could tell they were nervous. So I said why don’t I take over. They tried to hide their delight. They told me the film was practically finished and there was just the soundtrack and the titles to add, but I knew what they meant. So late last night I snuck into the editing booth and changed the card to ‘Directed by Ron Howard’. I know they’ll be over the moon.

Howard already took over from Chris Miller and Philip Lord – the Lego Movie and Jump Street 22 directors – to complete the Han Solo project. He is also talking about taking over Blade Runner 2049 as well as releasing a Director’s Cut of Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk.

‘I’m going to change the music and add my name at the end,’ he told the Exec. ‘I didn’t realize that it could be so easy. But now I don’t know if I’ll ever bother to do a whole film again.’

Rian Johnson, however, insists that he’s still the film’s director.

We did find Howard’s name at the end of a rough cut and he occasionally sneaked onto the set and shouted ‘Action!’ or ‘Cut!’ I thought it was just a joke.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released in December, 2017

THE LAST JEDI: STAR WARS 8 GETS TITLE AND POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 has a title and poster: The Last Jedi.

Disney and Lucas Film revealed the title for the new Star Wars film: The Last Jedi. Rian Johnson directs and Mark Hamill stars as Luke Skywalker. He’ll join the young generation of new heroes played by Daisy Ridley and John Boyega. The studio issued a note with the poster that read:

For Star Wars: The Last Jedi we are taking out inspiration from a classic film by Michael Mann. Star Wars has always taken audiences to different worlds. The ice world of Hoth, the desert world of Tatooine, another ice world and another desert world, the names escape me. Anyway the point is we’re running out of climate zones to take the adventures. So we figured when Star Trek was running out of ideas, they’d visit planet Bonanza and all dress as cowboys. Or planet World War Two… you get the picture. Hence The Last of the Jedi.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released December 15, 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.