HOLLYWOOD – What was on the menu at the Oscar Luncheon yesterday? Find out.

The Beverly Hills Hilton was packed yesterday with actors, directors and studio execs was everyone pretended to like each other while secretly wishing that their rivals would do something to greatly upset a Mexican drug cartel or an effective terrorist organisation, or a foreign power with no scruples about targeted assassination. The occasion was the Oscar Luncheon that is traditionally served before the actually awarding of the Academy awards (also known as Oscars) at some point in February, we can never remember.

But what did the stars eat? Top chef Alain Pitioise has four Michelin tires and a degree in Home Economics from the Further Education College in Dijon, France – home of mustard. He was among the waiting staff and was able to sample the food and even improve it with some of what he obliquely refers to as ‘his special sauce’.

Antipasti – Lightly shaved dolphin flakes, on a bed of brown rice placed inside German pastry crowns and drizzled in blood from a three year old girl.

First Course – A choice of free range risotto with chopped kale and lightly mocked partridge  – or – curly freedom fries and a disproportionate response burger beaten by Chris Brown and delivered by drone.

Second Course – Braised tiger, released live into the luncheon room and hunted and killed by a team of top dentists and then served on the tips of flaming swords – to continue the Force Awakens theme.

Sweet – Peanut M&Ms lightly grilled, and served on bifurcated Oreos – ‘Here the chef has gone somewhere towards highlighting the problem of diversity in this year’s Oscars with a lightly satirical take on the whole OscarsSoWhite scandal. Very sweet, with notes of carcinogenic additives.’

Light white wine was served chilled by the hearts of the Koch brothers.

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