FELICITY JONES IS THE NEW DEN MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – Rogue One star Felicity Jones is the new den mother for ex-pat English drinking club The Jolly Bastards.

Felicity Jones takes over from Emilia Clarke as the new den mother of The Jolly Bastards. The Monster Calls and Rogue One star had this to say:

The Jolly Bastards are legendary. I’ve always been a bit starry-eyed, but to actually belong to the group is a dream come true. Emilia did a wonderful job and will be a tough act to follow. As tradition dictates, I killed a swan and used its head as a weapon as we fought on a greased pole with Emilia. It was a tough fight.

Begun in the 1930s as a slapping club for Cary Grant and David Niven, the Jolly Bastards has achieved notoriety for allegations of Swan murder and even human sacrifice. The LAPD for many years tried to bring charges, but were always confounded by the ‘delightful accents’ of the suspects. Emilia Clarke’s mothership of the group has seen an unprecedented shift in the diversity of the Bastards. Once seen as a bastion for male misbehavior the Bastards now features a number of feisty young English women, such as Emily Blunt and Keira Knightley. They can smash up restaurants, inflate cats and ignite policemen as good as Charles Dance.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

SIMON PEGG: ‘THE JOLLY BASTARDS ONCE MORE AT LARGE’

HOLLYWOOD – The British Ex-Pat actors club – The Jolly Bastards – is once more active, according to Simon Pegg.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec the Star Trek and Shaun of the Dead actor Simon Pegg has revealed how the British ex-pat bad behavior club ‘The Jolly Bastards’ has once more been reconvened:

The Jolly Bastards is meeting once more in Los Angeles and has opened branches also in New York and Toronto. They get together and spread mayhem, sometimes leading directly to the damage of property and the loss of life and then escape any kind of punishment because they have such lovely accents.

Historically the Jolly Bastards were at the height of their powers in the 1980s with the likes of Rupert Everett, Charles Dance and Helena Bonham Carter ruling the Den as den mother. Following several high-profile murders in which members of the Jolly Bastards were actually found at the crime scene their hands ‘dipped in ruby gore’, as the police report stated, no one was charged due to ‘a great way with words’. More recently however fears have grown that the Jolly Bastards have returned. Benedict Cumberbatch is suspected of JB activities and when Tom Hiddleston kicked the head off of a swan in London two years ago, the Jolly Bastards were once more blamed. Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones is supposed to be the new den mother with her lackeys committing crimes at her villainous behest.

Simon Pegg has long been outspoken about the activities of compatriots but ‘only because I want to join’ as he admitted to the Studio Exec.

LOKI GETS STAND ALONE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – After another movie-stealing turn in Thor: The Dark World, Tom Hiddleston has confirmed that he will be playing Loki in a new stand alone Marvel feature provisionally entitled Loki: The Darker World

Attack the Block director Joe Cornish is one of the names currently in the running but some have even suggested Oliver Stone might be the surprise choice. Stone was at pains to say he had heard nothing officially but did suggest that he would be willing to take the job if it was offered. 

I’m a huge fan of the Marvel universe and Tony Hopkins told me that Thor was a lot of fun to make and I believe him. As for Loki, sure why not?  He’s by far the most interesting character and I love the way Tom plays him. 

Hiddleston himself said he would be delighted at the opportunity to fill a whole movie with Loki. “There’re a lot of issues to explore, so yeah sure,” said the English actor. 

However, some believe the maverick actor would be a risk for the studios, given his recent history of swan killing and his membership of the British ex-pat club The Jolly Bastards.  
One thing is for sure: with his huge online army of Loki fans to placate, Marvel will have to pull out all the stops to make it a good one. Here’s Loki-ing at you kid!

Loki: The Darker World will be released in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – He’s Alan Turing in The Imitation Game and Smaug in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, but who is Benedict Cumberbatch really?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to England to collect the Benedict Cumber-FACTS.

1. Although exotic to American ears, in England, from whence Benedict Cumberbatch hails, the name Benedict Cumberbatch is the second most common name in the British Isles, beaten only by Engelbert Humperdink, ironically enough the stage name of Benedict Cumberbatch’s father.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch’s appearance in Star Trek Into Darkness was marked by tragedy. The reveal that he was in fact Khan was such a surprise for audiences that five hundred and seventeen people died of the subsequent heart attacks during screenings. The surprise was so strong that after the first five days J.J. Abrams decided to publicize ‘the best kept secret in Hollywood’ to avoid further deaths.

3. Robert Downey Jr. and Eddie Redmayne were both named in copyright cases brought against them by Benedict Cumberbatch claiming they had copied his work. Redmayne appeared as Stephen Hawking in the Theory of Everything, which Cumberbatch’s legal team claimed was a direct copy of Cumberbatch’s work in the BBC drama Hawking. Likewise Downey Jr. was accused of copying Cumberbatch’s work as Sherlock Holmes. Both cases were thrown out and Judge Norfolk reprimanded Cumberbatch for being ‘frivolous, though dreamy’.

4. In all of Cumberbatch’s film roles, the actor refuses to wear socks. The one exception to this was his turn in The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug in which if one looks carefully you can see that the gold hoarding dragon is wearing a pair of silk tartan socks.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch recently got married to the beautiful Sophie Hunter, an actor and theater director. Many hope this will bring to an end his tenure as the leader of the Hollywood based English actors’ club, the Jolly Bastards. The infamous group has been responsible for a whole series of crimes including swan sacrifice and old lady taunting. However, it was recently reported by den mother Emilia Clarke, that Sophie Hunter will also be joining the club and the horrors will continue.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

CHARLES DANCE: ‘YES, I MURDERED FOR FUN’

COPENHAGEN – Veteran stage, TV and film actor Charles Dance admitted in an interview with Danish bacon magazine Swine that, in his early days at Hollywood, he would regularly murder strangers for fun.

“This was the early 80s, and there was something exciting in the air,” Dance told Swine journalist Bogdon Hergwitz. “I was young and I’d just finished The Jewel in the Crown mini-series for the BBC. My agent sent me out to Hollywood and I got work in Plenty, The Golden Child and White Mischief. I was riding high and I got into a fast crowd and yes, some people got murdered.”

Among the gang were other British actors Julian Sands, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman. The best thing in Alien 3 said:

We would typically go round to someone’s house for drinks and then out to a restaurant for dinner, after which we would pick a stranger at random and murder them. We never bothered with alibis or disguises, or even avoiding witnesses. Everyone knew we were doing it, but when the police interviewed us they would find our English accents so charming they’d let us off with a warning.

Over the years it is estimated that the Jolly Bastards – as they called themselves – murdered over 50 people. Mr Dance, who returns to our screens soon as the Lannister patriarch in Game of Thrones:

In all honesty, we lost count. I remember Julian kept a scrapbook and Rupert collected fingers, but both of them got muddled so I don’t know. It all came to an end when Hugh Grant joined the group. His excesses were so vile it made us all take a long hard look at ourselves and we didn’t like what we saw. So we stopped. 

Do you regret your actions? The lives you cut short?

No, absolutely not, it was fun. Why should I regret it?

Game of Thrones Season 4 is currently filming and will involve a rich harvest of naked breasts.  

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH IMPLICATED IN HIDDLESTON SWAN MURDER

 LONDON- Reports this morning from London, England, that Benedict Cumberbatch was somehow involved in the Tom Hiddleston swan murder incident are being strongly denied by the actor’s representatives.

A spokesperson for Benedict Cumberbatch said:

Thousands of children are killed ever single second by a swan, or something, and all the media and the police have to do all day is persecute thin young thespians of almost ethereal beauty.

Cumberbatch is currently putting the finishing touches on his performance as Smaug in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: Seriously Who Gives a F*ck and was unavailable to comment. It is believed that although the Star Trek actor was not present at the time Mr. Tom Hiddleston allegedly killed a swan in London’s St. James Park, he did instigate the attack by belonging to an old English actor’s club called The Jolly Bastards.

Sources from the prosecution have revealed that there is a text from Cumberbatch to Hiddleston which states explicitly: ‘Go on! Kick its fcking head off LOL #JollyBastards’. 

Charles Dance – the spokesman for The Jolly Bastards and an unrepentant advocate of murder – said: 

‘The kicking off of a swan’s head has long been the initiation ceremony of choice for the Jolly Bastards,’ says noted Jolly Bastard’s historian Patrice Clamp. ‘Here we see a classic example of a senior member – or Spunker as they’re known – controlling the actions of an apprentice or Sprat.’

So far no charges have been formally made but watch this space and follow us on Twitter for more news as it comes in.