MARK WAHLBERG TO RUIN THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.

Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.

Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.

I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.

But why Mark? Why?

Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.

Why don’t you just try and make a good film?

I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.

That’s not going to happen.

Then I’m going to keep at it.

Why are you doing this?

Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?

Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.

NATO COALITION TO STOP MARK WAHLBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Today NATO put aside its difficulties over Russian activity on the Ukraine border and the threat from ISIS in Iraq and turned their attention to a much more pressing problem: the continued career of Mark Wahlberg.

President Obama joined David Cameron and other leaders in denouncing what he saw as:

Mr. Wahlberg’s relentless disregard for quality, credibility or emotional range. He has repeatedly flouted the feelings of audiences everywhere and has insisted on appearing in films such as The Happening and Transformers 4. As if adding this kind of tripe to the universe wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Wahlberg also persists in taking excellent films from the past – such as The Italian Job and now The Gambler – and turning them into bland pointless idiocies which make you feel like you’ve just drank a gallon of milk after eating a large bowl of unsalted unbuttered mashed potatoes.

When asked what NATO was actually prepared to do beyond issuing statements, the Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen was not shy of entering into specifics:

Don’t be mistaken. Mark Wahlberg presents NATO with an existential threat. I repeat an existential threat. There are a number of economic sanctions we can apply immediately to Mr. Wahlberg via our allies in the European Union and of course the US. But the urgency of Mr. Wahlberg’s case also means we will not preclude the use of armed force, perhaps even a drone strike to make sure that his boring boring face doesn’t get projected on another screen for as long as we have breath in our bodies.

In a typically provocative reaction both Syria, North Korea and Russia have jointly announced Mark Wahlberg Day which will inaugurate a series of screenings of his ouvre throughout the world.

For more on this story come back here constantly and click like crazy on everything you see.

 

MARK WAHLBERG TO TAKE UP ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.