THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

WILL 2020 OSCARS END KEVIN JAMES’ OSCAR DROUGHT?

HOLLYWOOD – Time has come to decide once and for all who will win the 2020 Oscars.

The 92nd Academy Awards – also known as the Oscars – are almost upon us and the time has arrived when we should start to ask the question: will 2020 finally be Kevin James’ year? Although the man known internationally as ‘the barrel of laughs’ has never been nominated, his name is always in the mix ever since Paul Blart Mall Cop hit the screens in 2009.  And yet 2020 is already heavy with Oscar worthy competition.

The Biggest Threats

So what are the leading threats to a James victory? First off, Quentin Tarantino’s 9th movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood has just dropped a trailer and the Brad Pitt Leonardo DiCaprio double bill is bound to have the Academy salivating. Then there’s The Irishman – produced by Netflix and directed by Martin Scorsese – which is gaining a lot of steam and boasts both Robert de Niro and Al Pacino among the impressive cast. James Mangold’s Ford v Ferrari epic also has big hitter Christian Bale and Matt Damon in the running. But the most dangerous contender will be Oscar darling Tom Hanks, who hits the theaters as Mr Rogers in the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

But for what film?

Fans of Kevin James believe however that he can do it. We spoke with veteran Kevin James watcher Haneke Makalé:

As has always been the case with Kevin James – the fun biscuit as he likes to be called – the man is a perfectionist. He tends to choose one film project per year and throw himself heart and soul into it. A little bit like Daniel Day Lewis or Marlon Brando, but funny. He employs the method. Last year, he made Hotel Transylvania 3 and it took a lot out of him. Whether we see him this year is open to debate. And the Oscars are very strict about this. If you don’t appear in a film, you can’t win an Oscar, unless it is a lifetime achievement award. And Kevin James – The Saturn of Mirth as he’s known in France – is a bit young still for that.

You have to be in it to win it, Kevin. So get those film making trousers on and let’s go to work.

For more on the Oscars click here.