PETER JACKSON WAKES UP AND REMEMBERS HE’S GOT A TINTIN FILM TO MAKE

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson – director of King Kong, The Lovely Bones and the entire contents of JRR Tolkien’s head – awoke in a cold sweat with the realization he still has a Tintin movie to make.

Peter Jackson turned to his wife (Fran Walsh or Philippa Boyens I can never remember) and gasped. ‘Shit, I’ve just remembered I promised Steven Spielberg I’d direct the second Tintin film.’

Jackson told reporters:

My wife mumbled something like “Go back to sleep, you can do it in the morning.” To be honest I don’t think she was really awake. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. How was I going to find out what my deadline with Steven was without letting him know that I’d forgotten all about it.

Fortunately, Jackson’s muse and house boy Andy Serkis was awake in the garage. ‘It looked like he was trying to get out off a glass box, which confused me,’ said Jackson. ‘There isn’t a glass box in the garage. And then I realized, it was his physical theater that had created the illusion.’ 

Jackson explained his problem to Serkis and the Gollum star was already half into his motion capture suit.

Serkis said:

I must obey Peter. He has my children.

The two men started to work and by ten o’clock when Jackson’s wife finally emerged from her slumber, they had the first two acts in pre-visualized: ‘Only seven more to go,’ said a clearly relieved Jackson.

Tintin and the Something Something will be out in 2022.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

PETER JACKSON TO FILM WARLOCK OF FIRETOP MOUNTAIN

NEW ZEALAND – TinTin and Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson announced he would be turning the Fighting fantasy book warlock of Firetop Mountain into a film.

Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec that he would adapt Warlock of Firetop Mountain, a role playing adventure book written by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingston.

In an EXCLUSIVE interview, he told the Exec:

When we were making Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit we had a ton of input from the fans. We encouraged this with our blogs and video shorts. But I always felt frustrated that we didn’t take it further. What would it be like if the fans themselves could decide the movie they were goign to see? Make the decisions instead of the characters? Or better still become the characters? Then I remembered all the Fighting Fantasy books I read in the 80s and the idea came to me.

How will the film differ from the book?

Not at all. There’ll be a scene and then when a crucial decision comes up, the audience will push buttons on the arms of their chairs and the majority will win and that’ll be the decision. Fight or run, left or right, open the box or have steamy sexy with the cave troll.

They’ll always…

… have sex with the cave troll. Yes, that is true. I should rethink that. Of course, the film will take longer to watch because of these pauses and when ever there’s a fight there will also be a lot of dice rolling.

So how long?

A day. We’re thinking a day.

Is this a new franchise then?

There are a bunch of Fighting Fantasy books by Ian Livingston and Steve Jackson so it really could be.

And I wanted to ask if TinTin is…

Bye.

The Warlock of Firetop Mountain will be released in 2018.

 

LIMAHL KEEN ON NEVERENDING STORY REMAKE

WELLINGTON – The Peter Jackson remake of The Neverending Story has gained a new fan already in ‘pop singer’ Limahl.

Former singer in 80s group Kajagoogoo, Limahl sang the original theme song to Wolfgang Petersen’s 1984 fantasy film The Neverending Story and is set to return to the new version to be directed by Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson.

Dropping by the Studio Exec Hobbit hole, Limahl looks exactly as he did in the mid-eighties when he was at the height of his fame. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the prospect of revisiting the song that became a worldwide chart-topper.

It’s going to be a hell of a year for me. First we have the announcement that Gary Oldman is going to make a film about the rise and fall of my old band. And now Peter Jackson – the director of Bad Taste and The Lovely Bones – is remaking The Neverending Story. When my agent told me, I said ‘Carol, clear my calendar, cancel everything’ and she did it immediately.

So Peter Jackson called you to do the song? 

Peter Jackson is not going to be that obvious. First we have to do that silly little dance, but of course, I’ll do the song for them. We’ll probably have an argument about the drum and bass back beat they want to put on it but my vocal will still soar above everything.

Will you have a cameo in the film?

It’s my understanding that Andy Serkis is playing pretty much everybody using motion capture, but that might have just been a bad joke on Carol’s part. She does like to tease.

And finally is there any chance that Kajagoogoo will get together?

Well, it’s been no secret that for years I’ve wanted to do something with the guys, but I’ve also been battling with Social Anxiety Disorder.

You mean you’re...

Too shy, hush hush, eye to eye.

The Neverending Story will be 12 films.

 

SHIA LABEOUF WINS SHIA LABEOUF MARATHON

NEW YORK – Today Shia LaBeouf came first in the inaugural Shia LaBeouf movie marathon, winning the gold medal in a varied field.

Shia LaBeouf watched all his films back to back at the Angelika Film Center in New York, with a live stream of his reactions being broadcast on the internet. The event entitled #ALLMYMOVIES featured all twenty nine of his films being shown back-to-back in reverse chronological order. A camera on the back of his seat has captured all of his reactions and him sleeping through some of them.

Robert De Niro was one of many celebrities who turned up to cheer the young actor along the road of his entire ouvre. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at the awards ceremony:

I think it’s entirely appropriate that Shia won the gold medal. This is a race he’s been training for his whole life and he had to be the favorite even though I know Paul Giamatti and Aaron Paul were also in the field.

Paul Giamatti was actually a surprise inclusion in the field though rumor has it he was training in Estonia for five months. He came in second with Martin Freeman beating Aaron Paul to the bronze medal. The Hobbit star said that he was delighted with the result but would be hoping to beat Shia LaBeouf next year.

I was way ahead of him but Nymphomaniac Volume 2 really screwed me.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor

Shia LaBeouf will be appearing at a shopping mall near you throughout the Holiday Season.

JEFF BRIDGES SIGNS UP FOR TOM BOMBADIL

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s post-Hobbit project, The Adventures of Tom Bombadil, seems to be confirmed as Jeff Bridges announces his next project will be to star as the Tolkien forest dweller and mushroom muncher.

Speaking from his Malibu home, Jeff Bridges said that he was ‘looking forward to entering the world of Middle Earth and inhabiting a much loved but sadly neglected character.’

Bridges went on to say:

I spoke with Peter Jackson over the phone and we had this long conversation about the way Tom should look and how he behaves. We think he should be a laid back ‘Dude’ if you will. You know chilling in the forest. Strumming on a Middle Earth type of guitar. “It’ll be a stretch for me,” I told Peter “but I’ll see what I can do.” The other thing that really excites me is the musical element, and Pete is really keen to make this the first full blown musical set in Middle Earth.

The soundtrack is currently being written, as we speak, by Kanye West, although Bridges said:

There’s going to be a lot of trash talk and drugs speak but I’ll be insisting on putting a bit of country in there as well. I loved what I did with Crazy Heart and I would love to do some more. We’ve got a version of ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’ which will be far out.

Jackson himself has long talked about the movie as a dream project. He spoke to the Studio Exec on the phone:

Cutting Bombadil out of The Fellowship of the Ring was one of the hardest decisions of my career. I knew that he was a much loved character because I loved him as well. But the fact of the matter is that Tom Bombadil is an anti-narrative element. He slows everything down to his own pace. He sings endless songs and goes off into reveries and doesn’t seem to be fully there. By giving him his own movie we’ll give him a lot of space to do that and this is also going to be the greenest of all the Middle Earth movies.

Are there any other Middle Earth movies in the pipeline?

I don’t think so though I’d dearly love to see The Silmarillion brought to the big screen. I did write a treatment, but when we looked at the story and the epic breadth of it, I soon realized this would have to be at least fifteen movies.

The first installment of The Adventures of Tom Bombadil: I Hate the Eagles is due out, December 2016.

SEX LIVES OF THE HOBBITS REVEALED IN NEW BOOK

NEW ZEALAND –  An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits: a new kiss and tell memoir by Sam Gamgee actor Sean Astin looks set to blow the lid off the night time doings in Hobbiton.

The Lord of the Rings and Goonies actor has already written one book about his experiences of making Peter Jackson’s epic three film saga: the incredibly whiny and self-deluded There and Back Again: An Actor’s Tale. But his new book looks to be an altogether different take. Among the many sizzling scandals, Astin reveals:

  • How one Hobbit was famous for using his Mines of Moria ‘GANDALF!’ scream at the point of climax.
  • How another pair of Hobbits had a competition to bag as many elves as they could in one night.
  • How Peter Jackson organised orgies between the principal actors and their body doubles, which Andy Serkis would participate in via motion capture technology.
  • Where the name ‘Gollum’ really comes from. 

Many have suggested that Astin has fabricated everything as an act of revenge at not being gifted a role in Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films, but Ian McKellen has said that “Every word is true. We had a lovely time and what the hell else were we supposed to do. We were in New Zealand for goodness sake!”

An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

THE HOBBIT IS BANNED FROM MIDDLE EARTH

MIDDLE EARTH – The Peter Jackson trilogy of The Hobbit will not be screened in Middle Earth following a ban on the movies by King Aragorn, the ruler of the mythical land.

A spokesperson from Minas Tirith said:

The racism and inaccuracies of Mr. Jackson’s film make it entirely unsuitable for viewing here. I mean not only is it very offensive, but frankly audiences here would just laugh it out of the room.

What kind of inaccuracies do you object to?

To begin with, the ethnicity is all cockeyed. Elves are black in reality and Orcs are white, all Orcs, not just one made up one. The Hobbits themselves are portrayed as tiny people, little people. Well, all the Hobbits I know are six footers at least. Jackson also shows a certain bigotry in his portrayal of Smaug, The record shows that Smaug actually was a very generous dragon who died of old age and was grieved by everyone here in Middle Earth.

The ban comes after Ridley Scott’s Exodus: Gods and Kings received a similar ban from Egypt who told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he was in complete solidarity with Peter Jackson:

This is an attack on the freedom of artists to use their imagination.

Jackson himself released the following statement:

Although I have taken some artistic liberties with the ethnicity of the characters and have changed some facts in order to inject some narrative peril, The Hobbit movies represent a deeper truth. The authorities of Middle Earth have obviously ignored that fact that money.

For more on The Hobbit and Peter Jackson CLICK HERE.

PETER JACKSON ANNOUNCES THE HOBBIT 4: THE ROAD GOES EVER ON

HOLLYWOOD- Tolkien fans will be delighted to learn that Peter Jackson isn’t quite ready to say goodbye to Middle Earth yet, following swiftly on from the concluding episode of The Hobbit trilogy with The Hobbit Part 4: The Road Goes Ever On.

Jackson spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY following the premier of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies in London recently.

I don’t feel ready to give up on this story quite yet. There are loads of fans, and I count myself amongst them, who would like to see what Bilbo was doing between The Hobbit and the beginning of The Lord of the Rings.

But Tolkien never wrote about that period.

No. And we have already used up the appendices and various other parts and things which Tolkien wrote in letters and on scraps of papers, notes to the milkman etc. We did initially consider using the back of the book, you know the blurb and where there are quotes from the critics and the price in US and Canadian dollars as well as pounds sterling, but ultimately that stuff was rather dry and hard to imagine cinematically, so we gave up and decided we were just going to have to invent it completely from scratch.

So what’s the story going to be?

I think we’ve all had enough of quests and it’s fairly obvious when Fellowship of the Ring begins that Bilbo has not been doing much in the intervening years, so this film is going to be much less action orientated. We’re going to see Bilbo smoke a lot of weed and how his rivalry with the Sackville-Bagginses festers. We’ll see him adopt his nephew Frodo and attempt to write his book. There is going to be some wonderful CGI gardening sequences, with swooping camera shots and a cast of thousands of parsnips all generated by WETA. This is without doubt going to be the most vegetably of the Middle Earth films.

Despite not wishing to say anything else about his non-Hobbit films, Jackson was also adamant that the proposed Tom Bombadil and Silmarrilion films will go ahead as planned, but his Tin Tin film is the mad opium dream of a demon possessed poet.

The Hobbit 4 will be released in 2016.

For more on The Hobbit and Peter Jackson CLICK HERE.

 

FRACKING TO BEGIN IN HOBBITON

MIDDLE EARTH – An application to start a ‘fracking‘ operation in Hobbiton to exploit natural resources of Shale has has been provisionally approved by the Hobbiton and West Farthing Regional Authority.

The application has been hotly disputed by local environmental groups who believe that the open cast mining technique which release gases by pneumatically pummeling the earth is environmentally unsound and can even cause earthquakes. 

Sam Gamgee head of the ‘Frack Off Out Of It! Campaign’ spoke to the Studio Exec earlier today:

It’s just not right, is it? I didn’t walk all the way to Mordor and back for this. They’ve used this technique in Moria and in those lands in the East but it has no place, round here and people won’t stand for it. Imagine what it’ll do to the crop!

However, Pippin is a strong supporter of hydraulic fracturing (or fracking for short) and is one of the signatories of the application.

What people don’t understand or refuse to understand is that fracking is actually environmentally beneficial. Natural gas released from the Shale is a much cleaner source of energy than the wood burning and coal burning that currently is responsible for heating 80% of the homes in the Shire. Not to mention the fact that the drilling operation will create hundreds of jobs and some much needed investment in an area which has been stagnant for way too long.

What do you think? Please feel free to COMMENT your head off, in the box provided below. 

THE HOBBIT GETS A NEW TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – The final Hobbit film got a new title this morning with an announcement made by director Peter Jackson after a screening of an early cut of the films.

The Kiwi director told the world’s press:

It was a difficult decision because so much hinges on the title and the mood we want to set, but we thought that one of the main differences from the book that we had worked into the film as a way of padding it out, seemed so incongruous and downright wrong that the only way of covering up our shameful lac of originality and general viciousness was to make that the title, so it looks like that’s what we wanted to do all along. 

The Hobbit: We Bought a Zoo will be released in December.

2015 OSCAR PREDICTIONS

HOLLYWOOD- The Oscars are over for another year and after the hoopla and the pizza and the selfie-aggrandizing, we can look forward to a few months free of Oscar speculation… WRONG!

The 2015 race starts today and The Studio Exec is quick out of the traps with 5 Oscar predictions which will not fail to be relevant and prescient.

1. John Travolta will host the 2015 ceremony. 

2. Kevin James will appear in a series of gritty low budget independent movies with titles like Gravel, How I Killed your Mother and The Hemophiliac’s Spiky Staircase. With the latter having lost two thirds of his body weight, shaved his head and bled copiously on the cover of GQ, he will pick up his nomination. People will be talking about the Kevin Jamaissance as his HBO series Crack Baby garners great write ups and momentum builds to one of the unlikeliest wins in Academy history. 

3. Old people will only be allowed to attend the ceremony for comedy purposes. Anyone over seventy will be expected to undergo a series of ritual humiliations – including have their plastic surgery records published online – while Ellen and Kevin Spacey laugh their heads off.

4. The final Hobbit film will receive a bunch of nominations in a vain attempt to stop Peter Jackson.

5. Women will wear clothes as they walk along a carpet which is weirdly outside. People will talk about those clothes with an enthusiasm and application that – if it was turned to the study of medicine – would cure cancer.


The Oscars will be broadcast sometime in 2015.   

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 24. SMAUG

WELLINGTON – One crisp morning, I met a drained looking dragon at a small Wellington bistro for breakfast.

Smaug is forty seven but following the fifteen month Hobbit shoot seems older. He slumps in his chair and orders a white chocolate mocha. 

Now that you’ve seen the completed film, how does it match up with your experiences?

It isn’t strictly speaking a biopic. I mean they glossed over my years singing in the Liverpool club circuit. In the original script, they showed my short stint as opening act for popular prog rockers Genesis, which was handled pretty well, we filmed a section of it and then, poof! it was gone. That’s the industry though.

You’ve been quite public about your anger at having your voice replaced by Benedict Cumberbatch in the movie. Do you think this attitude will make future directors wary of hiring you?

Look, I told Peter Jackson to his face it was bullshit! [Jackson maintains that Smaug’s Liverpudlian accent was ‘out of place’ in Middle Earth- Exec] but when you’ve had the constant stream of rejections I’ve had, you get used to it. I missed out on Dragonheart with Dennis Quaid back in the day, and that one hurt. I didn’t even get a call back for Game of Thrones, and even with this I had to audition about four times.

Really? you had to audition to play your own part?

Surprised? Yup, it came down to me and Gary Busey in the end. I had to sit outside the room listening to him doing an impression of me! In the end my physicality only just swung it. Busey’s good, I’ll give him that, but he’s too unpredictable and aggressive and ironically his breath is too flammable.

So what’s next? surely with your profile now there must be some offers coming in?

There’s been some discussion about a cameo in the new Cher movie, the Aquaman one [Click Here for more on that story] but it’s got a lot of underwater stuff and I’m mulling it over. Me and her go waaaay back and it’s… well, it’s complicated.

What would be your dream project?

I’m kinda sick of the movie industry at the moment.

 I would’ve thought you’d be thicker skinned by now. 

Very f*cking funny. maybe TV? what’s that HBO show? GIRLS, yeah, I’d like to have a go at something edgy like that. It’s filmed in New York right?

Yes.

Maybe not then, I caused a some damage there when I auditioned for Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla…another disappointment. What the… ? I can’t believe this shit. This interview is over.

At first, I thought he was offended by my line of questioning but then I realized the waitress had brought him a white chocolate latte and his day had been ruined.

For more Breakfasts with Assholes click here.