PETER JACKSON ADMITS THE HOBBIT WAS SH*T

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson just admitted that The Hobbit films were absolutely sh*t.

In a revealing DVD extra documentary Peter Jackson comes clean about making of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug and The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. An obviously emotional Jackson speaks candidly about the process of making the Tolkien trilogy:

When Guillermo del Toro dropped out of The Hobbit, I had to step and I didn’t have the time to prepare for the shoot that I had had for Lord of the Rings. We had a three year pre-production on Lord of the Rings and here I was straight in to shooting 21 hour days and trying to catch up on everything as I went along and I have to say I was winging it. I mean the reason we ended up doing three movies was essentially because I need time to think, so it was like when you don’t know what to say next so you just go erm erm erm erm erm until something pops into your head. Desolation of Smaug was my erm.

But come on Peter the films were well liked. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

The films weren’t liked. Even the people who liked them didn’t really like them. It was like a form of self-hypnosis. The critics saw through them pretty well. And I rewatched them all recently and I have to say, they are all sh*t.

That’s very strong.

Not just sh*t, they’re unwatchable garbage marathons. Festering piles of digitally manipulated cat turd, laced with tedious word blancmanges in a CGI universe of stunning mediocrity. It’s drivel, appalling, filth, vomit and dribble. Abhorrent, boring, dumb, fantasy ass wash.

But…

Steaming great piles of undigested Tolkien farts. Complete and utter bollocks.

The frame rate…

F*ck the frame rate. It just made the moronic, inept, dreadful, hopeless, violent stupidity all the more clear for everyone to see. Oh but it was bad. Oh so so bad.

Peter Jackson’s Silmarillion: The Unexpected First Age will be released in 2019.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – He’s Alan Turing in The Imitation Game and Smaug in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, but who is Benedict Cumberbatch really?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to England to collect the Benedict Cumber-FACTS.

1. Although exotic to American ears, in England, from whence Benedict Cumberbatch hails, the name Benedict Cumberbatch is the second most common name in the British Isles, beaten only by Engelbert Humperdink, ironically enough the stage name of Benedict Cumberbatch’s father.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch’s appearance in Star Trek Into Darkness was marked by tragedy. The reveal that he was in fact Khan was such a surprise for audiences that five hundred and seventeen people died of the subsequent heart attacks during screenings. The surprise was so strong that after the first five days J.J. Abrams decided to publicize ‘the best kept secret in Hollywood’ to avoid further deaths.

3. Robert Downey Jr. and Eddie Redmayne were both named in copyright cases brought against them by Benedict Cumberbatch claiming they had copied his work. Redmayne appeared as Stephen Hawking in the Theory of Everything, which Cumberbatch’s legal team claimed was a direct copy of Cumberbatch’s work in the BBC drama Hawking. Likewise Downey Jr. was accused of copying Cumberbatch’s work as Sherlock Holmes. Both cases were thrown out and Judge Norfolk reprimanded Cumberbatch for being ‘frivolous, though dreamy’.

4. In all of Cumberbatch’s film roles, the actor refuses to wear socks. The one exception to this was his turn in The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug in which if one looks carefully you can see that the gold hoarding dragon is wearing a pair of silk tartan socks.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch recently got married to the beautiful Sophie Hunter, an actor and theater director. Many hope this will bring to an end his tenure as the leader of the Hollywood based English actors’ club, the Jolly Bastards. The infamous group has been responsible for a whole series of crimes including swan sacrifice and old lady taunting. However, it was recently reported by den mother Emilia Clarke, that Sophie Hunter will also be joining the club and the horrors will continue.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG: REVIEW

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG: REVIEW

There are times in a successful artist’s life – like for instance the film director Peter Jackson‘s – when the temptation to take something that previously rendered said artist successful – an earlier work, a technique, a font of inspiration – and to elongate it, to try in some way to spin out the thing which once looked so fresh and exciting, to extend it beyond any useful limit, until the very concept, the original energy and joy of the thing is so worn thin as to snap and if not snap then to simply continue on and on and on and on until even your most ardent fans are exhausted or embarrassed and look away, the way one might look away when you have accidentally walked in on a particularly ugly Aunt and Uncle making love drunkenly on a water bed in front of what has to be said is top of the range and state of the art home HD video equipment, including studio grade lighting and an en suite editing console fully manned – perhaps by your mother and father, both wearing awkward expressions as they pre-visualize yet another extended edition to supplement the already engorged and distended unspeakable act that even now, even after this preamble and our interruption which Uncle Fred and Auntie Mavis seem unfazed by, not for a second being put off their (dare I say it) stroke, we are still watching; so it is one might say with Peter Jackson’s new film and the second installment in the three film prequeology to his original Lord of the Rings (including Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers and Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King), The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug starring Martin Freeman, Ian McKellan and (God help us all) Orlando Bloom, but okay, it’s long, overlong and much longer than the book, but the important question has to be is it any good? 
Well, I think

Join us next year for the end of this review. 

CODE RED, CODE RED: ORLANDO BLOOM HAS RETURNED

HOLLYWOOD – For two years cinema screens have been miraculously Orlando Bloom free but this week alarms sounded throughout the National Security Agency warning that Elizabethtown‘s Orlando ‘Blando’ Bloom had somehow slipped past all the security measures in place and in front of a film camera and the results were on screens everywhere.

President Obama said that the breach represented a ‘serious blow to our national mood.’ The President told reporters at the White House:

Just as we were getting into a serious economic recovery, Bloom comes along a pisses on our picnic. He’s one of the least interesting screen presences of recent years. He makes Ryan Reynolds look like Daniel Day Lewis.
It is thought Bloom was able to infiltrate the world of film via New Zealand. Director Peter Jackson ignoring sanctions imposed by the United Nation in 2011 apparently cast Bloom in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug as Legolas. He defended his decision:

First of all I cast Orlando way before the UN resolution past, so I am exempt from that ban legally. Secondly, he’s playing an elf and really being wooden and being elfish is pretty much the same thing. And three, the film isn’t that good, so it’s not like it’s ruining anything.

 The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug is the film to avoid if you want to maintain a Orlando Bloom free life.

‘I AM NOT ANDY KAUFMAN’: IAN MCKELLEN DENIES RUMOR

LONDON – Gandalf, Magneto star and occasional actor, Sir Ian McKellen has angrily denied that he is Andy Kaufman (For the original story click here). ‘For a start I’m about ten years too old,’ yelled the Thespian.

He went on to remark:

I know what you arseholes are up to. You’re just spreading rumors and fake news to get cheap laughs. You’re a bunch of parasitical bum cracks. 

But Ian?

 SIR Ian! You jumped up little turd. I’m a respected f*cking theatre actor, I’ve played Lear, I’ve played Richard the Third, I was in Apt Pupil. I’m not the funny immigrant from Taxi, you twat! 

Keep your hair on, Gandalf.

Oh you want to dance, fart face? Is that what this is? You are in dangerous territory. Already Patrick Stewart was like, let’s just go and stomp their bullshit faces to hummus, let’s just tear them new effluent holes, but I was like we’re respected men of the theatre and the X-Men universe, Patrick, some decorum. He was in Dune, you shit stain! 

Okay, we’re sorry. If you want we’ll print a denial.

The mini-f*cking-mum.  

So you’re not Andy Kaufman?

No. Well… Not legally.

What do you mean ‘legally’?

What? No! The line is breaking up… sorry. I’ll call back. 

The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug will be amongst us Xmas-y.