GOD TELLS MARK WAHLBERG HE WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg asked God to forgive him for his role in Boogie Nights, but didn’t get the response he expected.

The Hollywood Reporter reports that: “Mark Wahlberg says he hopes God will forgive him for his turn as a porn star in the 1997 filmBoogie Nights. Wahlberg told the Chicago Tribune ahead of an event with Chicago Cardinal Blase Cupich on Friday that he hopes “that God is a movie fan and also forgiving” because he says he’s made “some poor choices” in the past. Wahlberg listed Boogie Nights when asked if he’s prayed for forgiveness for any of his movies.”

Boogie Nights follows the career of Dirk Diggler (Wahlberg) through the porn industry in the seventies and eighties. Paul Thomas Anderson directed and many consider the film a high point in Wahlberg’s career.

God speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec gave a prompt response:

Boogie Nights is the best thing Wahlberg ever did. Not only do I forgive him for it, I think it was great. I cannot say the same of the Planet of the Apes remake. I’m I afraid he’s going to Hell for a very long time. And by a long time, I mean forever.

What about The Happening?

Oh my Son! I’d forgotten about that.

You’re God. How can you have forgotten about The Happening?

It’s one of the benefits of omnipotence. And still it took all my strength.

Pain and Gain 2 is out in 2019.

MARK WAHLBERG ‘BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD’ ACCORDING TO MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.

Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.

It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.

But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?

Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.

In that it’s shit.

Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’

But The Happening?

Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.

I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?

Money.

Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: ‘SPLIT IS AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL’

HOLLYWOOD – M. Night Shyamalan admits new movie Split is autobiographical.

Split came out as a surprise success for M. Night Shyamalan. The thriller stars James McAvoy as a man with Disassociative Identity Disorder – commonly referred to as split personality.

The Sixth Sense director today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the real life inspiration for the movie:

When I make a film, I always write what I know. In The Sixth Sense, that was me seeing dead people. After the success of that film, I could do anything. Hence Unbreakable. With Split I looked back over my career and my own split personality. On the one hand, I’m the guy who made Sixth Sense, Signs and Unbreakable. And on the other I’m also the guy who made The Happening, Lady in the Water and The Last Airbender. I realized that there isn’t really one M. Night Shyamalan, but two. The first one I call by my name. The second one prefers to be called Kenny Shitz. In some cases, we’ll actually collaborate on a film. The Village, he did half of and he filmed the last scene of Signs. He did all of The Happening though. He cast Mark Wahlberg.

Is there a chance we can get Kenny under control?

I’d like to say yes. I managed to keep him away from Split for instance. But ultimately who knows? I doubt it.

Split is currently in Cinemas now.

MARK WAHLBERG TO RUIN THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.

Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.

Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.

I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.

But why Mark? Why?

Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.

Why don’t you just try and make a good film?

I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.

That’s not going to happen.

Then I’m going to keep at it.

Why are you doing this?

Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?

Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN SIGNS ON FOR ‘TWISTER’

ATHENS – Famed ‘genius’ and ‘film’ ‘director’ M. Night Shyamalan is looking to rescue the twisted wreckage of his career after After Earth with a new project, which seeks to combine a commercially viable idea with his penchant for a certain trade mark narrative technique.

Following on from the massive success of Battleship and There Will Be BloodTwister is the latest popular game (this time from MB Games) to get a big screen conversion and Shyamalan hopes that it will save him from twin dollops such as The Happening and The Last Airbender.

The game – which involves placing hands and feet (and in the Bangkok version sexual organs) on different colored circles at the whimsical behest of a spinning arrow controlled by a laughing idiot – does not immediately suggest a narrative, but Shyamalan is both optimistic and desperately unhappy.

I think this is a marriage made in heaven between my films and the game. On the one hand you have an inane, truly ridiculous series of contortions which will inevitably collapse to the sound of derisive laughter and on the other you have the game, Twister.  

Twister will be released in 2015 and will star Will and Jandapus Smith.

MARK WAHLBERG TO TAKE UP ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.

COCKTAIL HOUR WITH M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. M. Night Shyamalan here.

Or you can call me M. Like the Fritz Lang movie.
Anyone?
No one?
Okay.
Aside from being a ‘genius’ film maker, I also like to drink heavily.
So here come my cocktail recipes, and yes! Every single one comes with its own special twist.


M.’s Manhattan Village


Ingredients:



  • 2 oz whisky
  • 1/2 oz  sweet vermouth
  • 2-3 dashes Angostura Bitters
  • Maraschino cherry for garnish

Preparation:

  1. Pour the ingredients into a mixing glass with ice cubes.
  2. Stir. 
  3. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
  4. Garnish with the cherry.
  5. Sacrifice an innocent to the hooded man until your Williams Hurt.


The Absixthe Sense


Ingredients:






  • 3 tablespoons (1 1/2 ounces) absinthe
  • 1/2 to 3/4 cup (4 to 6 ounces) cold Champagne or sparkling wine

 

Preparation:

  1. Pour chilled champagne into fluted glass.
  2. Add absinthe.
  3. Realize that no one alive can hear you or talk to you and the only people you can talk to are dead or creepy children. 
  4. Realize you are dead also.
  5. Repeat.
 
 
 
 
The Happening
 
Ingredients:

 

  • 1 bucket of beer
  • 2 pints of bile strained from a homeless person

    ‘I wish I’d never been born’
  • A large dog turd for garnish (Mark Wahlberg will work if available)
Preparation:
  1. Add beer and bile.
  2. Shake vigorously.
  3. Garnish with turd/Wahlberg
  4. Wish that you had never been born.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TO DIRECT US ELECTION

WASHINGTON – The end of the US election – due to take place on Tuesday – will be directed by The Sixth Sense director and ‘genius’ M. Night Shyamalan.

Both political parties have agreed that Mr. Shyamalan is uniquely positioned to give the climax of one of the closest races in history of American politics exactly the right kind of ‘Oh, so he was dead all along!’ feeling come Tuesday evening.

CNN had originally lobbied for James Cameron to be called in for the final push – ‘he would have given us a fantastic virtual environment’ – but sources close to the Piranha 2 script writer said that due to a strange condition contracted while diving to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, Mr. Cameron is not allowed out of seawater or his beard turns into an octopus. Fox wanted to go with John Milius but his recent incarceration for ‘becoming warrior king’ of a part of Cambodia ruled him out.

Associate Producer, Mark Wahlberg said that M. Night Shyamalan was perfect for the job:

There’ll be a cheap twist, many people will feel bitterly cheated and we’ll wake up the next day with an empty feeling. Shyamalan is the master and providing that effect. Everyone is praying we’re going to get The Sixth Sense or Unbreakable and not The Last Airbender.

Or The Happening?

I have no recollection of any film of that title.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN REVEALS LATEST TWIST: HIS WHOLE CAREER

HOLLYWOOD – Famed thriller director M. Night Shyamalan has revealed his latest twist but it isn’t for a movie, it’s for his entire career.

M. Night Shyamalan has revealed that there was a reason for the critical failure of his last few films as he spoke about his new film After Earth, starring the family Smith and due out in 2013.

‘I sat down when I was starting out my career and plotted it like I would a film,’ said The Airbender as he prefers to be called. ‘I start with some good movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and even Signs. Then here comes The Village which is like a swerve ball. People suddenly go woah! what’s this?’

M. Night is laughing so hard he can’t speak. ‘Oh, dear,’ he gasps. ‘Then I do The Happening which I completely Wahlberg, and people are like, is this the same guy? Then the Giametti one, I can’t even remember what it was called. Then Airbender which puked like Justin Bieber on the original series. And that’s it, right? Reputation well and truly in tatters? And then comes After Earth and bang. He’s got game. The twist ending. Good director becomes shitty and then boom back again. And you’re on your back.’

Shyamalan claims he modelled his career on the story of Cinderella Man. However, Roger Ebert has pointed out that Ron Howard’s boxing film came out in 2005 and Shyamalan ‘was already making us collectively eat his shit sandwiches in 1998 with the mercifully forgotten Rosie O’Donnell comedy Wide Awake.’