HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon celebrated his return from Mars with an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show where he spoke for the first time of the difficulty of being a male lesbian in Hollywood.

The Bourne Identity and Informant! star Matt Damon appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show earlier this week and opened up about his experiences living as a lesbian in Hollywood.

Everyone thinks it must be easy. California is a liberal state and Los Angeles is a pretty liberal town, but the fact of the matter is even in the industry it isn’t easy to be a lesbian. I look at my career and I see the choices that I have sometimes had to make and I see doors that have perhaps closed because of my sexuality and I can’t help but wonder did I make the right choice to come out so early in my career. I salute Ellen Paige for coming out when she did, but it has to be said I’d kind of done all the hard work already.

Ellen seemed bemused by the comments and got laughter from the studio audience with her response, ‘But Matt, you’re a man!’ However, Damon didn’t seem to hear or care:

Exactly! And being a man is what makes it doubly dangerous. Doubly difficult. As I told The Guardian earlier this week, the amount of hostility and suspicion that I first received from lesbians themselves… I’m there trying to tell them, I’m a lesbian and they’re throwing my penis in my face as if that’s something that should or could stop me.

Late this week, Matt Damon will be on Oprah talking about weight issues and his experience as a fat black man.


LONDON – Hi I’m Molly Ringwald. You might know me from such films as The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink and The Breakfast Club.

What you didn’t know is that I’m also an agony aunt! Ha ha, I know. The British newspaper The Guardian has made me one, because… well, actually I don’t know. They’re basically star f*ckers with very little journalistic integrity I suppose!

So when best pal The Studio Exec asked me if I could basically do the same job for him, I thought ‘Hell, what was copy and paste invented for if not for this!’

So here we go:

Dear Molly,
Last year my husband died. We were married for fifteen years and it was one of those marriages like in the story books. We loved each other thoroughly and were so happy together. However, he had a massive heart attack while playing five aside football one day and died. It was like a bomb fell and destroyed my world. Since then the only thing I have to numb the pain is alcohol. I always enjoyed a drink, but now it has become my only refuge. I have lost my friends over it and my mother has taken our children into her home because she believes my house is not a good environment for them. I no longer go to work. I just stay in and drink. I know that I am damaging everything and that my husband would be appalled at my behavior, but the grief is overwhelming and the only viable option I have to alcoholism is suicide.
Please help me Molly.

Dear Grieving Alcoholic,
Hmmmm. Your situation is a little grim. But there is hope. Take the situation of my character Claire Standish in The Breakfast Club. Yes, she was a beautiful girl, a ‘princess’ as Judd Nelson calls her repeatedly. But she had problems too. She was expected to conform to what everyone expected and she wasn’t free to hang out with people who were different from her peer group. She even got a detention because she was what we would call nowadays ‘acting out’. And yet that detention, that seemed like a bad thing at the time (like your husband’s sudden death) actually meant she made friends and for once had a good honest look at herself – not to mention I got to kiss Judd Nelson, every girl’s dream. So I think you’ll find although things look dark now things will change and you too will walk away from your old life to the strains of Simple Minds playing over the end credits!

If you have a problem write to and mark clearly in the subject box ASK MOLLY.


HOLLYWOOD – In a landmark move the American Film Institute and the Motion Picture Association of America have agreed to join forces to eradicate Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake from the annals of history.

“For the past year it has been our strict policy not to mention the film Oldboy”, said project leader Chuck Storm:

When we have been forced to confront the issue it is commonly referred to as ‘The Stain’ but there are those, including myself, that prefer to call it ‘The Aberration’. We’ve managed to expunge it’s existence from our own records and ensure it cannot be legally distributed but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We need the public to come forward and hand in any hard copies they might have accidentally bought, either during a fit of madness or for a drunken bet. We promise to maintain your anonymity and we’ll even give you a copy of the exceptional Korean original in exchange.

So far the plan has been warmly received. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone tweeted “Finally we have a scorched Oldboy policy” and British Film Critic Mark Kermode wrote in The Guardian newspaper “Technically it’s a bad day for freedom of expression but it’s a bloody marvellous day for quality control”. However a few media outlets have accused the project of censorship at best and at worst, Nazism:

“Yeah, we’ve been called Nazis”,  said Storm:

But the truth is Hitler would have been a big fan of the ‘Aberration’. He loved the idea of taking something beautiful and experimenting on it for no apparent reason until what was great about the original is gone and all you have left is an ugly dead midget with six legs and essentially that’s what Lee’s film is. It’s an ugly, dead midget with six legs.

Oldboy will soon not be available to buy anywhere, forever.