PADDINGTON BEAR HORROR REBOOT GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey horror reimagining, a Paddington Bear horror reboot has been announced. The gore-fest will be directed by Eli Roth and begins shooting later this summer. The Exec caught up with eternal frat boy horror aficionado, Roth as he finalized pre-production on the Paddington Bear horror reboot.

Eli, What Attracted You To A Paddington Bear Horror Reboot?

Hey bros. You know me, when it comes to bucking horror trends, I’m Phi Beta Kappa. I was never on board the torture porn trend with Hostel. Nor was I on board the remake gravy train with Death Wish. And I will never be on the videogame movie band wagon with Borderlands. When I heard there was an opportunity to make a beloved children’s bear character into a horror icon, I leaped at the chance. Here was another opportunity to prove what an original creative force I am.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Only a little. It’s going to be a home invasion story. Where a Peruvian immigrant bear stalks and terrorizes the Brown family. Think The Purge crossed with Straw Dogs, but he’s not a dog. He’s a bear and he’s not made of straw. I never got why they called it Straw Dogs. What kind of stupid title is that? It should’ve been called Shootsie or The Graduate II: Braddock’s Revenge. That would have been way cooler, bro.

Can You Tell Us Any Cast News?

I shouldn’t really, but you seem like a cool dude, man. We got Robert Englund playing Henry Brown and Sybil Danning as Mary Brown.

And Who Is Playing Paddington?

We got Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit providing the movements, but we aint using him for the voice. We have Rob Zombie providing the voice. He brings a real guttural heft to the character that has never been explored before. Plus he sounds like he’d tear you a new assshole.

Paddington Bear: Flesh Shredder Starts Filming Shortly

JOHN OLIVER PUNCHES DUSTIN HOFFMAN IN THE FACE

NEW YORK – John Oliver and Dustin Hoffman got into a massive fight in New York last night.

John Oliver, the Host of Last Week Tonight, was hosting a panel to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the 1997 film Wag the Dog, when suddenly he launched an all out assault on The Graduate actor Dustin Hoffman. The discussion had turned to claims of harassment with British TV host unimpressed by Hoffman’s justifications. Before anyone knew what was happening, Oliver launched himself across the room and tackled Hoffman, knocking the 80 year old actor to the ground.

Hoffman however came up fast and bit off a piece of Oliver’s ear, spitting the blow stained gristle into the audience, which was now baying like frenzied beasts. Robert De Niro then punched Barry Levinson in the face for no reason whatsoever. The two were soon at it like a pair of old heavy weights, not that dissimilar from De Niro’s 2013 comedy Grudge Match. Members of the audience began to join in. Seats rained down onto the stage. As the veteran Tootsie star and Oliver continued to pound lumps out of each other.

In the midst of the violence, the bigger issues seemed to have forgotten, which is: has it really been 20 years since Wag the Dog?

John Oliver will be presenting the Oscars.

 

HIDDEN GEMS: 19. THE GRADUATE

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week The Graduate. You’re welcome.

The oldest student in the world falls for the youngest MILF. Then falls for her daughter. Nope, this is not a porno, but an amazing comedy from the 1960s starring Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft and Katherine Ross. Hoffman plays Benjamin, a student who has his whole life ahead of him and yet no apparent wish to set off. The grotesqueries of middle class America – ‘Plastics!’ – and his own family don’t help. Until he meets and begins an affair with Mrs Robinson. Mike Nichols’ coming of age sex comedy is full of awkwardness and embarrassment as Benjamin finds himself in the midst of an affair and at the same time falling for his lover’s daughter, Elaine Robinson. This is a world on the cusp of change. Age against youth, the 60s sideswiping the 50s. Perhaps, it was too daring for the time. Simon and Garfunkel provide a stunning soundtrack of folk pop. The duo were never heard of again. After a career of disappointments, Hoffman would finally catch a break and receive long-overdue fame for Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 5

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns with his final installment of his 2014 yearbook.

Nov 1st I don’t know how he did it, but Kirk’s managed to get Mike Nichols to direct Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? To be honest I think he mentioned my name and called in a favor: Mike still owes me one after I let him use one of my legs on the poster for The Graduate. The look on Dustin Hoffman’s face still haunts me.

Nov 7th Just seen my dear old pal Michael Caine in Interstellar. I think that he agreed with me, the story really lacked something. From the opening scene you could tell exactly what was going to happen. I passed on the script when they said I couldn’t wear a pair of funny ears like Mr Spock in Star Trek, but that sort of thing always goes down so well in sci-fi.

Nov 19th Mike Nichols has died. I still remember when he fired me from The Birdcage for being too over the top! In the end he got darling Robin Williams to play it instead, and although I always enjoyed the subtlety he brought to the part it was a wasted opportunity really. I offered him the use of my giant chicken costume, but he was determined to manage without it.

Dec 1st Debbie Reynolds called. Apparently it says on the Internet that Kirk Douglas is dead! Apparently he was Spartacus and I never even knew. You would’ve thought he’d have mentioned it.

Dec 4th Got on the wrong bus and missed the photo call for this new Bond film I’m doing. I’ll be playing W, the Head of Health and Safety at MI7. Young Danny Craig’s got the lead again and Sammy Mendes is directing. They’ve dropped Dame Judi from this one: apparently they asked her to tone down the language on set and she didn’t take it very well.

Dec 17th Kirk Douglas phoned! It turns out he’s not dead after all! He just nodded off in front of Big Bang Theory and some idiot published his obituary by mistake. He had some bad news though: we’ve both been dropped from the Baby Jane remake. Apparently they’re going to shoot it with a couple of chaps called The Minions instead. It’s a shame really. After two Academy Awards, three knighthoods and counting I thought it would be a nice final curtain, but I may as well carry on for a bit longer. And let’s be honest, I need the money. The script for Police Academy: Next Generation arrived this morning, I’ll have a flick through that later…

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.