MARK WAHLBERG PAID MONEY TO APPEAR IN FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – Shock waves hit Hollywood today as it was revealed that Mark Wahlberg is actually paid to appear in films.

Reaction came when news broke that Mark Wahlberg received over a million dollars to film extra scenes for Ridley Scott’s All the Money in the World. At first there was consternation that the money was so much more than co-star Michelle Williams, who received less than $1000 for the same time. However, after the news sunk in, it became apparent that someone had buried the lead.

Xavier Poulis – Hollywood expert – told the Exec:

There had always been an understanding that Mark Wahlberg was turning up and doing what he was doing on set just as a favor to someone who liked Marky Mark. The fact that he actually gets paid is unbelievable. It’s as if someone somewhere thinks he’s an actor. And he receives so much too… that part blew my mind.

But surely they say he’s paid that money and then quietly take it back?

One would hope that’s the case. I mean, are we encouraging Wahlberg to act in movies? It’s bad enough he does it, but the fact he’s rewarded for it is unfathomable.

Is what?

Unfathomable.

Oh I get it. Unfathomable.

We really need to ask, did someone pay Wahlberg for the Transformers movies as well? Or that Gambler film he did? How far down the rabbit hole do we go?

There’s a rabbit hole?

It’s an expression, SE! Jesus.

Will this continue?

Hopefully no. Just imagine if we took all that money that had been wasted on Wahlberg and gave it to someone who needs it like Will Smith.

I think Will Smith is pretty well paid.

What the fuck….?

All the Money in the World is on release.

 

MARK WAHLBERG ‘BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD’ ACCORDING TO MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.

Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.

It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.

But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?

Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.

In that it’s shit.

Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’

But The Happening?

Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.

I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?

Money.

Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.

MARK WAHLBERG TO RUIN THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.

Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.

Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.

I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.

But why Mark? Why?

Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.

Why don’t you just try and make a good film?

I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.

That’s not going to happen.

Then I’m going to keep at it.

Why are you doing this?

Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?

Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.

HOW MARK WAHLBERG CHANGED TEACHING FOREVER

HOLLYWOOD – Taking a departure from his Everyman roles in Transformers 4 and Pain and Gain, Mark Wahlberg stars as a literature professor in The Gambler and it is having a massive on the way teachers teach in schools and universities all over the country.

Prof. Josie Percheesey head of the university teacher’s association spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about Mark Wahlberg’s impact:

When The Gambler first came out in the Seventies, James Caan had some effect on teaching but not much. Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society became the model for the 90s. For years, teachers tried their damnedest to inspire students and of course if one of them committed suicide, it was considered a bonus. The new version of The Gambler however has eclipsed even that.

How?

Wahlberg is the most unlikely casting for a literature professor. His lank locks and his pallor are fine, but don’t hide his  little boy lost look of a man who has never read a book in his life. And perhaps  this is why he has connected with so many teachers. He is fresh and new. Now every teacher I know is starting the class by lying on the desk and exhaling loudly. It’s amazing.

How to teach like Mark Wahlberg.

1. Lie on the desk.

2. Begin lessons as if you’ve just had an existential epiphany.

3. Praise the  student you most want to nail and then nail them. (ALWAYS BE CLOSING).

4. Mention the subject you’re teaching only in so much as it allows you to talk about the theme of the movie.

5. Be consumed by narcissistic self-loathing and cynical about the whole point and purpose of education.

6. Make sure your students have all arrived from central casting and none of them behave like actual students, i.e. demanding an education for the massive fees they or their parents have paid. Rather they should be foils for your expert put downs.

NATO COALITION TO STOP MARK WAHLBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Today NATO put aside its difficulties over Russian activity on the Ukraine border and the threat from ISIS in Iraq and turned their attention to a much more pressing problem: the continued career of Mark Wahlberg.

President Obama joined David Cameron and other leaders in denouncing what he saw as:

Mr. Wahlberg’s relentless disregard for quality, credibility or emotional range. He has repeatedly flouted the feelings of audiences everywhere and has insisted on appearing in films such as The Happening and Transformers 4. As if adding this kind of tripe to the universe wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Wahlberg also persists in taking excellent films from the past – such as The Italian Job and now The Gambler – and turning them into bland pointless idiocies which make you feel like you’ve just drank a gallon of milk after eating a large bowl of unsalted unbuttered mashed potatoes.

When asked what NATO was actually prepared to do beyond issuing statements, the Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen was not shy of entering into specifics:

Don’t be mistaken. Mark Wahlberg presents NATO with an existential threat. I repeat an existential threat. There are a number of economic sanctions we can apply immediately to Mr. Wahlberg via our allies in the European Union and of course the US. But the urgency of Mr. Wahlberg’s case also means we will not preclude the use of armed force, perhaps even a drone strike to make sure that his boring boring face doesn’t get projected on another screen for as long as we have breath in our bodies.

In a typically provocative reaction both Syria, North Korea and Russia have jointly announced Mark Wahlberg Day which will inaugurate a series of screenings of his ouvre throughout the world.

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