HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.
Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.
It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.
But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?
Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.
In that it’s shit.
Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’
But The Happening?
Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.
I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?
Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.
HOLLYWOOD – Today NATO put aside its difficulties over Russian activity on the Ukraine border and the threat from ISIS in Iraq and turned their attention to a much more pressing problem: the continued career of Mark Wahlberg.
President Obama joined David Cameron and other leaders in denouncing what he saw as:
Mr. Wahlberg’s relentless disregard for quality, credibility or emotional range. He has repeatedly flouted the feelings of audiences everywhere and has insisted on appearing in films such as The Happening and Transformers 4. As if adding this kind of tripe to the universe wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Wahlberg also persists in taking excellent films from the past – such as The Italian Job and now The Gambler – and turning them into bland pointless idiocies which make you feel like you’ve just drank a gallon of milk after eating a large bowl of unsalted unbuttered mashed potatoes.
When asked what NATO was actually prepared to do beyond issuing statements, the Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen was not shy of entering into specifics:
Don’t be mistaken. Mark Wahlberg presents NATO with an existential threat. I repeat an existential threat. There are a number of economic sanctions we can apply immediately to Mr. Wahlberg via our allies in the European Union and of course the US. But the urgency of Mr. Wahlberg’s case also means we will not preclude the use of armed force, perhaps even a drone strike to make sure that his boring boring face doesn’t get projected on another screen for as long as we have breath in our bodies.
In a typically provocative reaction both Syria, North Korea and Russia have jointly announced Mark Wahlberg Day which will inaugurate a series of screenings of his ouvre throughout the world.
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