CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

EXCLUSIVE: WES ANDERSON TALKS THE FRENCH DISPATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Wes Anderson, auteur maverick director of The French Dispatch, took time out to speak exclusively to The Studio Exec.

The Studio Exec was honoured to speak to Wes Anderson about his latest film, The French Dispatch.

– So, Wes thank you for taking time out to speak to us about your latest…

Did you know Harris Tweed originates from the Outer Hebrides and is hand woven by crofters on the Isle of Barra? They only grow to be 4 and a half feet tall. They weave these large jackets and they all have to be exported, because they can never fit into them. It’s tragic, but poetic.

– We really wanted to ask you about The French Dispatch. That’s quite some cast you’ve assembled there.

Thank you, it really is. We’ve got Kyle MacLachlan from Dune and Caroline Munroe from the Bond films in the lead roles. Not bad, eh?

– Do you mean Timothee Chalamet and Lea Seydoux?

The fuck you on about? No, no, no. Their agents assured me that they were, um, hang on. Oh shit. Oh well, too late now. So, we’ve got Timmy Chamalama and Leia Organa and they were just great during the shoot. Because they were so generous, ya dig?

The French Dispatch

– Can you tell us a little about The French Dispatch? What is it about?

Well, I’ll let you into a little secret, come closer. We told those suckers with the money at Indian Paintbrush and American Empirical Pictures that it was about some smart ass paper. Who has time to read any of that crap? It isn’t about that at all. Because Jason Schwartzman has such great eyebrows and cheeks, it’s just 100 minutes of him pouting at the rest of the cast. That’s how I got so many big shots to appear, yet again. Kerching baby!

– Was it an easy decision to cast long time collaborators Tilda Swinton, Willem Dafoe and Bill Murray?

Tilda was cast because she would be great in anything. Willem, because he’s riding high after his critical whammy in The Lighthouse Family. The reason I hired Bill? It’s simple, we have to. All independent filmmakers have to, it’s union rules.

– What do you mean by ‘union rules’?

Jarmusch told me this at Sundance, way back in 1995. We were touting Bottle Rocket around and couldn’t get a sniff from any distributors. He said to me, he said, ‘Wezzy baby,’ that’s what he calls me, ‘Wezzy baby. Bill Murray aint in it, so nobody gives a shit about your movie. You tell them he is, you got a distribution deal. Murray’s got dirt on the union bosses. All us independent schnucks have to hire him on every friggin’ picture we make. Ask Sofia Coppola. You think that’s Kirsten Dunst in The Virgin Suicides and Marie Antoinette?’

I told distributors that Murray was in the picture, as soon as I did, I got a distribution deal. Now, I write him in, no matter what. He’s the first name on the cast list. Who’s laughing now, huh?

– I don’t think that’s right. I think Jarmusch may have been joking.

What? Jarmusch? That piece of shit.

The French Dispatch is due for release in October, later this year.