EDITORIAL – Santa picks his feet in Poughkeepsie. Which is exactly why William Friedkin’s The French Connection is a better Christmas movie than Die Hard. Everyone talks about Die Hard as being the first action Christmas movie. But Friedkin’s The French Connection is also a great Christmas movie as well as a balls to the wall action thriller. And Santa picks his feet in Poughkeepsie in it. What more do you want?
Here’s Why The French Connection Is A Christmas Movie
It’s obvious when you think about it. The whole film is about a friendly man with a beard from far, far away trying to bring presents to everyone in America. What could be more festive than that? Nothing, that’s what. It’s got more festive spirit than some f*cking Coca-Cola truck trying to force sugar down the necks of already morbidly obese children.
Santa Picks His Feet In Poughkeepsie
The film also boasts cuddly Gene Hackman playing everyman racist, Popeye Doyle. Popeye even dresses up as Santa to surprise one of his friends as part of a jolly Christmas prank. Once he’s caught up with his buddy, they share a laugh and a joke about picking their feet in Poughkeepsie. This scene is full of festive cheer as they giggle and prance through the junk-strewn waste grounds of New York, avoiding the used needles and rats as they go. Ho-ho-ho!
Father Christmas Has Happy Little Elves
But Fernando Rey’s real Santa isn’t working on his own. He has his happy little elves in the shape of New York mob goodfella, Sal Boca and mysterious, psychotic hitman Pierre Nicoli. With lots of hard work, they want to help Santa distribute little presents in nickel and dime bags to all the happy children of New York who have been good this year. And luckily for them, Popeye ‘Grinch’ Doyle is a lousy shot.
Next – Why The French Connection II Is An Easter Movie About The Resurrection
HOLLYWOOD – In an EXCLUSIVE, the Studio Exec is proud to present an extract from Gene Hackman’s new novel Payback at Morning Peak.
Chapter One. The Old Hand Hangs up his Gun
The sun was westering over the ridge and the frickering breeze from the West held the tang of rain to come. Rubbing his almost bald pate, Geoff Hackford turned his gaze from the horizon to the task at hand, cleaning his gun one last time before hanging it up for good.
He’d fought it off for long enough: age and enemies and scar tissue had done for him, but the memories still came like so many lonely ghosts. The time that criminal Frenchie had got away, the way he’d been cheated by General Zod of the US Cavalry and even when he’d almost died rescuing those people from the capsized paddle steam The Poseidon on the Mississippi. Surely, that had been an adventure. But time it was to sit on his porch and enjoy a conversation with the town folk who passed. Not The Conversation, but a Conversation. And if the Tenenbaum’s wanted to invite him for some chow, well all the better!
To sleep soon. With the sun down. He too would sink, first to sleep then finally obscure rest.
Telegram! Telegram! The urchin had slapped it into his hand and was running away before his hand had even settled into his pocket in search of coin.
He tore it open and read the words:
desperately need you back to play gruff patriarch in quirky comedy stop come at once stop expenses and 5 percent of the gross stop wes anderson stop
He laughed to himself as he replaced the gun in the holster. Maybe his fighting days weren’t over quite yet.
HOLLYWOOD – The film world was in TATTERS Monday when in replying to a tweet from STUDIO EXEC William Friedkin noted film director of Jade, The Exorcist, Rules of Engagement and The French Connection claimed that something the Studio Exec had said was ‘Bullshit’.
However it has come to our attention that an archive piece of footage proves that the Studio Exec was indeed right and accurate and Mr Friedkin ought to go easy on the ole cough medicine before the sun’s fully over the yard arm.
Here’s the Video which shows clearly a temp track testing Mancini’s soundtrack with nary a tubular bell in hearing range.
Thanks to reader David Hughes (@Groovyfokker) for finding this.
SANTA FE – Hollywood legend Gene Hackman is wanted for questioning by the Santa Fe police department this morning after reports that he’s attacked several more innocent bystanders.
Hackman, who was yesterday accused of slapping homeless man Bruce Becker, is rumored to be stalking the streets of Santa Fe dressed as Santa Claus and randomly roughing up members of the public.
Postal worker Jim Rick, who was still visibly shaken after his ordeal, described his brutal encounter with the retired actor.
“I’d just finished my rounds and was about to get a cup of coffee when I was grabbed from behind. Suddenly I’m being wrestled to the floor by this guy in a Santa suit and he’s shouting at me “Where’s the Heroin?” I told him I didn’t know anything about any heroin and he slapped me in the face and shouted again “Where’s the Heroin you son of a bitch?!”. Eventually somebody managed to get him off me and he ran off into an alleyway. I didn’t know it was Gene Hackman at the time. Shame as I would have asked him for his autograph.”
Other victims of the rampage tell a similar story of being set upon and Hackman demanding Heroin. Police are speculating that the ageing star is demanding the drug to feed a secret habit but celebrity psychologist Stanford Locke, has a different theory.
“Mr Hackman is exhibiting classic symptoms of George C. Scott Syndrome” said a wistful Locke.
“It’s something that happens to some elderly actors who have retired from show business. Basically a chemical imbalance in the brain causes the victim to replay their former characters. Obviously Mr Hackman is currently convinced he is Popeye Doyle from ‘The French Connection’ and unfortunately he will adopt other guises unless he is captured and heavily sedated”.
Locke’s bizarre theory is in danger of being proved correct after reports that Hackman has commandeered a nuclear submarine and is on his way to Russia. Fortunately his ‘Crimson Tide’ co-star Denzel Washington was on board at the time having a private tour and the US government is now praying that Washington can subdue Hackman and avert World War III.