JJ ABRAMS PROJECT MANAGEMENT LAUNCHES

Hollywood – With the launch of the JJ Abrams Project Management Course online, the blockbuster director tells us his secrets on how to plan mega-budget franchises like Star Wars.

 

JJ, how do you plan such a large project like Star Wars?

First of all, I ask myself, ‘What would Spielberg do?’ and then I just splurge it all out on the page in a big ol’ treatment. Don’t forget the lens flare. Then once the first draft of the first film is done it’s time to spend some major fucking studio money baby. Get the green screens up and let cameras roll.

 

So you just write a draft of the first film. What about planning all of the films in the franchise?

Why would I want to do that? Who gives a shit. It’s fucking Star Wars. I could film a dog taking a dump for two and a half hours. As long as I super impose a light saber in his little paw, it would still make $700million. I guarantee it.

 

So you never planned anything beyond The Force Awakens?

Neeeerd! Nah. Who’s got the time to fuck about with all that?

 

Is that what you recommend in the modules of your course?

Modules? Plural? There’s only one, man. Who can be bothered with writing more than one module? I got billions from what I made on Star Wars and Star Trek. And all that money won’t spend itself. Know what I mean?

 

Well, what about the art of storytelling, artistic integrity and appreciation for the craft?

Hahahahahahah, you’re a funny fucking guy. I should put you in my next movie as the comic relief. You’ll be much cheaper than that smart ass Brit, Simon Pegg. Look, it don’t matter what you plan. As long your name is pinned on the right franchise, nobody gives a shit.

 

But what about Kevin Feige at Marvel? He’s a meticulous planner.

That’s all well and good for those little Marvel B-movies where budgets are tight. That aint my jam. Ya dig?

The JJ Abrams Project Management School is now available online for a small fortune.

SPIN OFF STAR WARS: PORKINS BEGINS GETS STAR

HOLLYWOOD – Stand alone Star Wars movie Star Wars: Porkins Begins today confirmed Kevin James would star as Red 6 and the first synopsis was revealed.

Due for release after The Force Awakens and Rogue One, Star Wars: Porkins Begins will star Kevin James as Jek Tono Porkins, the man who said he could hold it, but tragically couldn’t, during the battle of the Death Star. It will be directed by Frank Coraci.

Also the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the full official synopsis of the new stand alone Star Wars film:

Star Wars: Porkins Begins traces the early history of Jek Tono Porkins, an easy going commercial pilot from planet Bestine IV. He teaches the young ones pod racing and has an adoring young girlfriend. But when Tin Fanu, a sworn enemy and Imperial stooge, takes over the local pod racing little league, Porkins must step up and fulfil his destiny. He trains his disadvantaged youngsters and beats Fanu in a one on one race to save the Community Center from financial disaster.

Star Wars: Porkins Begins sees the birth of a Star Wars legend, from humble beginnings in an out of the way system, to the man who will sacrifice his life on the attack of the Death Star. Porkins is a role model and the hero next door, but from a Galaxy Far Far Away…

Kevin James spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Pumped. When I went to see Star Wars in 1977, I didn’t feel Luke Skywalker represented me. I dreamed of being Han Solo, but that wasn’t me either. No I was Porkins. The fat kid who explodes! This film will give us the opportunity to find out who Porkins really lived. How he became a hero. This is for all the other kids out there who think they maybe can’t achieve their goals because of body issues.

The film is believed to be part of a new trilogy which will end where the first Star Wars: Episode IV concludes.

Star Wars: Porkins Begins will be released in 2019. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

GALACTIC EMPIRE TERRIFIED OF WELL-SPOKEN ENGLISH GIRLS

HOTH – The Galactic Empire revealed today their greatest enemy: well-spoken English girls.

An insider from the Galactic Empire today revealed that posh sounding English girls terrify it. The anonymous source told the Studio Exec:

Ever since Princess Leia, we’ve been worried by English girls with glass cut accents. But the situation worsens with every year. Rebels who are stone cold killer, smugglers, bounty hunters, Jedi Knights, these guys we can handle. But Jesus, these girls and those accents. Jyn totally screws us up, Leia gets the plans to the Death Star and Rey carries on the tradition. All these years we’ve been thinking it’d be the Wookies would do us in. But it was always going to be the girls.

What are you going to do about it?

I don’t know. Hope Keira Knightley stays quiet.

Rogue One is in cinemas.

C-3PO ARRESTED IN GREECE

ATHENS – The King of Belgium and former Star Wars actor C-3PO was arrested in Athens last night in connection with an on-going crackdown on the Neo-Nazi political party the Golden Dawn.

A spokesperson for Belgian royal family said that C-3PO had been visiting Greece as a private citizen for purposes of tourism and that there was no official function involved. However, law enforcement officials had been tracking C-3PO and his connection to many European far right political parties, including Forza Nuova in Italy and the English Defense League in … well … England.  

Anti-Fascist campaigner and author of These ARE the Droids You’re Looking For, Eileen Smit said:

Ever since C-3PO became King of Belgium [for more on that story CLICK HERE] he has used his position to promote a series of anti-immigrant and politically repressive measures. Although some of his moves such as his public statements on Jawa extermination have been treated as eccentric jokes, his celebrity status has meant that he has become the recruiting poster boy for fascist and neo-Nazi groups everywhere.  

It is understood that Greek authorities are keen to get C-3PO out of the country as soon as possible and it is unlikely that criminal charges will be pressed despite the urging of the Belgian royal family who have become frankly embarrassed by the Golden One’s antics. A government source, however, remarked that the last thing they wanted was ‘for the protocol droid to become a martyr’. 

Star Wars Episode 8 will be released in 2018.

REY ACTION FIGURE INCLUDED IN GHOSTBUSTERS MONOPOLY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the controversy surrounding the Star Wars Monopoly game which excluded the figure of Rey (Daisy Ridley), Hasbro has announced that she will appear in the Ghostbusters Monopoly game to be released in June, 2016.

The controversy was sparked when players noticed that Hasbro’s Star wars themed Monopoly game featured Darth Vader, Kylo Ren, Finn and Luke Skywalker, but failed to include arguably the protagonist of The Star Wars: The Force Awakens: Rey played by British actor Daisy Ridley. Letters were written and a campaign launched via Twitter and other social media sites featuring the hashtag #WheresRey. Even JJ Abrams was caught up in the furor, punching a journalist who asked him the question and having to spend the night in a jail cell in New Mexico.  However, today Hasbro released a statement promising that the figure of Rey would feature in the new Ghostbusters Monopoly game.

Here is the statement in full:

Hasbro has a long reputation of making stuff and selling it to people and so we are very careful and sensitive to issues of what people who we sell stuff to think and feel and stuff. Apparently some of these people are girls and/or women and they got upset because of something we did or didn’t do, we weren’t really listening, but we get it you’re upset. So, if you really think it’s that big a deal what we’re going to do is release the Rey action figure as a counter on the All New Ghostbusters Monopoly Game. This way all the girls can be together, is our thinking. It’s okay. Don’t mention it.

The Ghostbusters Monopoly Game will be released in July of this year.

FAN THEORY ABOUT LORD SNOKE BREAKS THE INTERNET IN CHINA

HOLLYWOOD – A new fan theory about the mysterious identity of Lord Snoke in Star Wars The Force Awakens has broken the internet in China, state officials admitted today.

The theory, which was first aired on WeShitYouNot.com, states that the origins of Lord Snoke date all the way back to the prequel The Phantom Menace which was directed by George Lucas (the creator of the original Star Wars) in 1999.

The article argues as follows:

The Gungans are a race with incredible longevity. We already know that. We also know that having won the battle on Naboo almost single-handedly, Jar Jar Binks was largely sidelined by the Jedi and ostracized by the people he loved, including Anakin Skywalker. Having unsuccessfully moved into politics, he became increasingly involved with the machinations of Senator Palpatine who was to finally reveal himself as a Sith and proclaim himself emperor, having slaughtered the Jedi. But the cog in the machine was Jar Jar. Jar Jar had made it possible for Palpatine to defeat the Jedi. He was rewarded with a high rank in the Empire but once more was sidelined in favor of Darth Vadar, his old enemy Anakin Skywalker of course. With the defeat of the Emperor, Jar Jar managed to escape the Death Star #2, but not without being badly wounded, losing his floppy ears and his protruding eyes and his flappy mouth and having to have the whole lot replaced with a rather stupid looking CGI Andy Serkis suit. Using a voice scrambler and a projector he decided that he would create his own version of the Empire calling it the First Order and bossing it around via Skype.

Once the theory was translated into Chinese it began to make the rounds on social media helped by Weibo (the Chinese version of Twitter). Coinciding with the release of The Force Awakens in China the impact was such that entire city grids were left without power and some even said that the Chinese Premier Li Keqiang ‘shit himself’, so excited was he by the idea.

Star Wars The Force Awakens will be released in 2018.

PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL SPOILER PHOBIC STAR WARS FAN FORCE AWAKENS IS OUT

NEW YORK – An obsessive spoiler phobic Star Wars fan has been told that he can come down and watch the film now, three weeks after the films release.

Obsessive Star Wars fan Colin Hardwright was so worried about hearing spoilers, or having The Force Awakens spoiled via teaser trailers, posters or story leaks that he built himself a fifty foot high pedestal in Manhattan, New York and scaled it on February 16th, 2015.

Colin’s wife Phyllis Hardwick explained Colin’s thinking to the Studio Exec:

Colin is a die-hard Star Wars fan and has been super excited about the new film ever since it was announced. He managed to avoid the first trailer but he knew that there would be more promotional material and he also knew that people might tell him something, even innocently, about I don’t know, the casting or something. So he had been reading about early Christian mystics and he got this idea of going up a pedestal until it was all over.

So then why didn’t he come down for three weeks after the film’s release?

The only problem was we were all so used to him being up there and we were excited by the film and then I wanted to see it again with my new husband. Then there was Christmas and the whole thing in the holidays. You know how during the festive season you forget what day it is, and you’re like, is it Thursday? and I sort of did that but with Colin. I mean, I’ve got a horrible feeling I might have inadvertently committed bigamy.

So what was Colin’s reaction when he finally saw the film?

We didn’t realize it, but he was quite weak. I mean his muscles had atrophied from always being in the same position. So after he descended from the pillar we were getting him to the other side of the road, but he was quite slow and he got hit by a bus.

Oh my God. Is he okay?

He’s kind of dead.

But at least he saw the film, right?

No he died instantly. I mean bang! Weren’t you listening?

Star Wars The Force Awakens is in theaters.

 

GEORGE LUCAS’ FORCE AWAKENS EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens is currently smashing every record at the Box Office but there was one audience member who wasn’t entirely won over: George Lucas.

In an email to J.J. Abrams, George Lucas has expressed his feelings fully and candidly about Episode 7 of the Star Wars saga: The Force Awakens. The Studio Exec has EXCLUSIVELY received a copy of this email. Because of the newsworthiness of this particular item of correspondence, we have decided – after literally seconds of deliberation – to make it publicly available. Be warned, it does contain SPOILERS (if you want to read our SPOILER FREE review Click Here).

Hi JJ,

It was neat of you to let me have that sneak preview. I really enjoyed it, but – as you can imagine – I do have a few notes. Obviously you’ve made the film and do with them what you will. What do I know? I’m only the guy who INVENTED THE WHOLE F*CKING UNIVERSE *joking*. Okay, so here they are.

Luke Skywalker. WTF? Where is he? The whole movie I’m waiting for Luke Skywalker. Okay, he’s disappeared, but for the entire movie. Han Solo had disappeared in Return of the Jedi. Ten minutes into that film he was found, defrosted and back in the action. Christ almighty, JJ. This is Star Wars 101 here!

R2D2 spends the whole movie asleep. Not cool. This BB8 bullshit is never going to catch on. All that rolling around. Eeew. Reminds me of a Goddamned hairless testicle! And where is Jar Jar Binks? Surely you need some comedy in the film. I mean for the kids. No one stepped in ‘doo-doo’ or got their tongue paralyzed. Seriously, are you the same JJ who thought up the ending of Lost?

You misspelled Tatooine. Jakku? Not even close.

Han Solo and Leia. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are great obviously but I would have cast new actors to make them look a bit younger. I caught Taylor Lautner in The Ridiculous Six (very funny BTW). He would be perfect as Solo and Keira Knightley as Leia would have been a natural. File under missed opportunities.

14 parsecs – 12 parsecs – it’s a unit of space not time – asshole! And what was that bullshit with the Deathstar and the Starkiller base? Were you seriously just saying my dick is bigger than George’s dick? Is that what that was? Is it?

Kylo Ren should get his hand cut off (obviously).

Other than those minor criticisms I thought the film on the whole was moderately enjoyable. There are two more films coming up so I would give you some further advice if I might. The second film should be darker, the way Empire Strikes Back was. I would call it something like The Gungans Strike Back. Or Return of the Midi-chlorians. Those would be my favorite titles.

Live Long and Prosper, JJ.

G.L.

For more Star Wars click here. 

 

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS: SPOILER FULL REVIEW

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS – REVIEW – So finally having allowed you time to actually see the Goddamned movie, The Studio Exec is ready to apprise you of his view, SPOILERS ARE NOW A-GO-GO.

So there’s this person ripping off bits and bobs of the old wreckage of a franchise from 30 years ago and selling them for scrap. Yeah, am I talking about Rey (Daisy Ridley) or J.J. Abrams and his team? Clever right? In fact, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is littered throughout with meta-commentary. It’s as much about watching Star Wars as it is a new Star Wars film. The audience are inscribed in the film as ex-Stormtrooper Finn (John Boyega) and Rey: they can’t believe Chewbacca and Han Solo are back either, but they know who they are and they seem as happy to see them as we are. ‘This is going to start to make things better,’ says the first spoken dialogue – by that old knight Max Von Sydow. And the rest of the film goes a long way to fulfilling that promise. It is fun, and funny – something the original never got by the way: see Chewbacca’s Tarzan impersonation in Return of the Jedi, or anything C3PO and R2D2 ever did! The action is brilliantly choreographed and breathtaking. The worlds feel real and lived in and run down. If there’s one thing it lacks it’s some racism. Unfortunately, there are no Ah-So-ing Japanese baddies or floating Jewish money lenders! Hopefully, that is something that can be remedied in future episodes.

Other problems included my difficulty in deciding whether to grin or weep at certain moments, and I did both throughout. Okay. Full disclosure. Star Wars was the first film I saw in 1978. I know a year late, but I was growing up in the UK and the film didn’t get there until 78. I was but a kid and we queued around the block my old man and me. We missed the crawl and the Star Destroyer but we saw the rest of the film and it was imprinted on me for life. I read the Alan Dean Foster books, and later I’d read Donald F. Glut and James Kahn. I played with the Star Wars figures and we played on the playground whole adventures. VCRs weren’t around yet and the first time I could watch the film again was 1982 – four full years later. So the film had grown in my imagination, all our imaginations in a way that with downloads and franchises, it just doesn’t work like that anymore. This is all to say that though I was initially stoked for the Prequels, by the time I saw them my deep rooted love of the franchise had been well and truly blunted, dulled. It was as if I’d gone to a remote island off the coast of Ireland, to just hang around with a beard. Then this film came along and handed me back my lightsabre! I’d waited for this day with a mixture of dread and irritation, but now it’s all come back. It was true. All of it.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is on limited release in some theaters in New York.

 

 

STAR WARS EPISODE 8: TITLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode 8 has a title the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens has only just opened internationally but already Kathleen Kennedy is prepping Star Wars: Episode 8 and she popped into the Studio Exec Falcon to speak about the new installment.

You are already working on Episode 8, is that right?

Absolutely. This is going to be a crazy year. Genuinely non-stop. My husband was producing Jurassic World and I was doing The Force Awakens but at the same time we’re getting ready to start with Episode 8 in January of 2016.

Unbelievable. And you already have the story?

Yes. The story has already been worked out. In fact we’ve got the story right up until Episode 9 worked out. Not the details and the scripts are not locked but we know where we’re going and most of the beats.

Tell us more.

No can do Exec. You know many people haven’t seen Episode 7, so if I told you anything about Episode 8 that would give away spoilers and I don’t want to do that.

You must be able to give us something.

Well, I suppose I could tell you the title we’re working on at the moment.

Great.

The idea is that the next Episode will continue directly on from Episode 7 and so we had the idea that the title should reflect that continuity.

And so…

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast.

The Force has Breakfast?

Yeah. You see we thought, if I was the force what would I do one I woke up. Rian said ‘I always have breakfast straight after I’ve woken up’. And so we went with that.

Right.

Of course it wasn’t the only option. But it was the best.

What were the alternatives?

Apparently Lawrence Kasdan has a sh*t as soon as he wakes up. And J.J. Abrams flosses. But they just didn’t scan.

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast will be released in 2017.

FEMA OPENS 3000 FORCE AWAKENS RECOVERY CENTERS

WASHINGTON – 3000 recovery centers have been established by FEMA to deal with the opening of Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (or FEMA as it prefers to be known) has set up over 3000 recovery centers across the USA to deal with what it describes as ‘a post- Force Awakens emergency’.

A spokesperson for the Agency, Max Rangent, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We foresee that come December the 19th there might be a lot of people who need us. These facilities will be equipped with counselors and psychiatrists who have been trained to tend to those who are disappointed and potentially suicidal.

Do you think the film is going to be bad?

No, not all. But what would you rather? The film is great and we’ve set these tents up to no purpose, or the film is terrible and there is no one hand to talk the fan base down from the ledge? Think of it. All those kids dressed up like Jawas, all those grown men, all those adults who are nuts for the Force and spend their weekends attending barbecues dressed as Stormtroopers. Can you imagine what’s going to happen when they realize halfway through that the film they’re watching is only marginally better than Super 8, or Star Trek into Darkness.

I see your point.

Also imagine what would happen if the film wasn’t bad as such but just disappointingly mediocre. Not so much Phantom Menace as Matrix Reloaded.

Matrix Reload was absolute…

Okay, Matrix Revolutions.  The deflation from such an intense hype that has been going on for the past year and a half would be so great that the human body might simply pop, like a big tired blood balloon.

F*ck!

I know. We’ll have supplies of the original trilogy, and the Lord of the Rings to soften the blow. We might even try to ween a few of them onto something softer like Star Trek. Something where they can get used to years of intense disappointment.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released next week.

SOME STAR WARS FOOTAGE ‘YET TO BE SEEN’

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams revealed today that some footage from Star Wars: The Force Awakens is ‘yet to be seen’ and has not been included in the numerous trailers and TV spots which have so far been released.

The new Star Wars film The Force Awakens has to be the most eagerly awaited film of 2015 and fortunately there is still some footage left to be seen in the actual film that we haven’t already seen in the many trailers, international trailers and TV spots that have been released thus far.

JJ Abrams told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have been very careful with the publicity material. We want to create a sense of anticipation but not to give too much away. The 90 minute trailer was – admittedly – pushing the envelope on the definition teaser, but at the same time I think we can all agree that no major plot points, except the death of Chewbacca and the turning of Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side of the Force, have been revealed. To be fair, fans themselves with their rabid speculation and endless forensic deconstructions of anything from the toys to the posters to the footage have contributed to a frenzy of information overload that risks spoiling the movie for everyone.

So what new footage can we expect to see?

Well, we haven’t shown the pre-credits scroll which I think everyone is going to be hyped about.

That’s so iconic.

I know. And we haven’t seen the post-credits scroll either. Which is going to be a lot longer and will include a lot of names fans won’t be familiar with. Of course you could go to IMDb and check out the full cast and crew list but this will be longer in the end and will include copyright and legal notices and a lot more detail.

Okay. Anything else?

Erm. No. That’s all that’s really new now.

For more Star Wars CLICK HERE. Image courtesy of the Pixel Faker, Facebook page here.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released on the 18th of December.

NEW FORCE AWAKENS CHARACTER POSTER REVEALS SURPRISE

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens character posters have been released and reveal a surprising inclusion alongside Princess Leia, Han Solo, Rey, Kylo Ren and Finn.

There is no Luke Skywalker, but the Star Wars: The Force Awakens character posters did reveal one surprise inclusion: Anakin Skywalker, played by Hayden Christensen. It seems unlikely that Anakin will appear in the main action in the film but his appearance has led many commentators and bloggers to include that there might well be a substantial flashback section of the film, relating to the early and much loved prequels. Christensen’s inclusion in the cast had already been revealed by the Studio Exec when we published Exclusive images: click HERE. He will join Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, and John Boyega as well as Mark Hamill, presumably. But not Alec Guinness as we learned here

Xavier Poulis, owner and commentator of ManyBothansDied.Net, writes:

Hayden Christensen’s inclusion does seem to screw with the timeline and one can only assume that J.J. Abrams is returning to the prequels to try and rectify some plot points. What will be interesting is how this works out with the other stories that we know are taking place and what this back story will mean to the actual action of the film. I think I am not alone in saying that all fans will be pleased to have Hayden Christensen back in any shape or form. He is a class act. I do worry about the story of his inclusion in Rogue One though.

However, some have claimed that the delay in the release of the Hayden Christensen and the slightly different aesthetic might indicate that it is in fact a fake. Perhaps placed by Christensen himself who is still waiting for production to begin on Jumper 2.  This theory was put to rest by an email received last night from J.J. Abrams which said:

Hey, Studio Exec!

Hayden Christensen is definitely in the movie. He has a small but really important part and he is an excellent actor. I think Jumper 2 is going to blow us all away.

Best Wishes

Hay  J.J. Abrams.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

For more Star Wars CLICK HERE.

ALEC GUINNESS WILL NOT BE IN THE FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – It will be a disappointment to many, but today it was revealed that Alec Guinness will not return to his role as Obi Wan Kenobi in the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Alec Guinness played Obi Wan Kenobi in the very first Star Wars has been a great favorite of fans, reappearing as a ghost in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but J.J. Abrams in a video interview for Hollywood Reporter revealed that Guinness would not be in Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

Abrams explained, responding to a question from Steve Guttenberg:

I’m afraid we won’t have Obi Wan Kenobi back. Although Ewan MacGregor has been eager, persistent, some might even say borderline stalkery, we just didn’t feel the character would real fit in with our universe and our take on where we wanted to go. As for Alec Guinness, sadly Alec passed away in 2000.

However, some fan sites have reacted with disappointment and anger at the decision. ManyBothansDied.net published a scathing post that went so far as to call for a boycott and dismissed Abrams’ ‘reasons’ as bogus.

Obi Wan Kenobi as played by Alec Guinness is an essential element to the Star Wars mythos and should be included. As for Mr. Guinness being dead, sharp-eyed fans will notice that so is Kenobi in Empire and Jedi. Far from impossible to have the deceased Guinness play the role, if anything, it would be typecasting! I’m sure his ghost would be more than happy to alleviate the tedium of the afterlife with an opportunity to be part of the most successful, Science Fiction/Fantasy franchise in the history of the world.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released in December, 2015. For more on Star Wars click here.