DAVID O. RUSSELL RECASTS THE FIGHTER

HOLLYWOOD – In his continuing effort to tinker with his back catalog, David O. Russell is this week to release a digitally recast version of The Fighter.

The new version of The Fighter will feature Robert deNiro, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence will play the part of Amy Adams, Robert deNiro that of Mark Wahlberg and Bradley Cooper will take on the role of the brother which won Christian Bale a much deserved Oscar. As previously reported, David O. Russell has already produced a critically acclaimed digitally recast version of Three Kings, which caused the New Yorker’s Anthony Lane to write cogently:

It’s like watching a George Clooney film, but with Bradley Cooper in it.

However, O. Russell is getting some blow back, specifically from his old actors who feel they have been unfairly replaced. Christian Bale screamed hoarsely down the phone to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

 Oh yeah, well done! Recast me, get Bradley f*cking Cooper to play my part! You piece of sh*t. I’m a f*cking professional you f*cking nonce. I sh*t f*cks like you every f*cking day of the week. You globular arseh*le. And another thing don’t you *ucking dare th*nk about t*uching my fucking p*nts.

The Fighter Redux will be released this week.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DAVID O. RUSSELL DIGITALLY RECASTS THREE KINGS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of American Hustle and The Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell has announced that he is to digitally recast his old movies, beginning with Three Kings, with Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert deNiro.

Three Kings is expected to be only the first of several of Russell’s older works to get the treatment:

Spanking the Monkey and I Heart Huckabees are both films that I would love to see Bob, Bradley and Jen be a part of. They’re such great actors and now that I’ve got them digitally, who wouldn’t want them in your movie?

How did you get them digitally?

It’s a very technical process, but basically you just film them saying all the sounds in the phonetic alphabet and going through a routine of gestures and facial expressions. Was a time it would’ve taken years, but now we can do it in about half an hour. Jennifer Lawrence took seven minutes.

What about the ethics of replacing actors who have performed for you?

Oh, that isn’t a worry. They were paid for their work and if you want to see George Clooney in Three Kings, there’ll be old DVDs knocking around somewhere. But in this version it’s fresh faced Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence instead of Mark Wahlberg. How can you possibly object to that? Plus to create continuity I’m also going to do the Fighter with Jennifer taking over Wahlberg’s role and Bradley Cooper as Christian Bale’s part.

Three Kings: Redux will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MARK WAHLBERG TO RUIN THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.

Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.

Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.

I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.

But why Mark? Why?

Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.

Why don’t you just try and make a good film?

I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.

That’s not going to happen.

Then I’m going to keep at it.

Why are you doing this?

Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?

Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.

MARK WAHLBERG TO TAKE UP ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.

MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN TRANSFORMERS 4

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg – one of the best associate or executive producers currently working in the business – has shocked colleagues by moving in front of the camera to act in Michael Bay’s forthcoming Transformers 4.

However, it has come to light that Mr. Wahlberg is not a stranger to the limelight, having actually secretly acted in a number of films in the past. Apparently Wahlberg was in a film called Ted in which he was stood next to a teddy bear and he was also in The Fighter (according to sources) standing near Christian Bale. Some wild eyed madmen have even argued that he played the fighter of the title, but surely … was that … was there a fighter? I can’t. Scientist Johnny Harridan explains:

Mr Wahlberg is indeed an actor and has appeared in a number of films but he has a condition which is called IAS: Inductive Amnesia Syndrome. We see him and our eyes see that we see him but something goes wrong with the memory and the brain communication and we forget that we saw him. Like women forget the pain of childbirth. 

Film Critic Sorohan Shanks was less forgiving:

It’s like they taken a huge bucket filled with liquid turd and they just ladled in a bit more turd.