DAD’S ARMY MOVIE REBOOT: FIRST LOOK

LONDON – The movie reboot of much loved BBC sit-com Dad’s Army has released the first picture EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec which shows stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in the roles of Captain Mainwaring and Sergeant Wilson.

For those unfamiliar with the show, Dad’s Army follows the adventures of an inept platoon of the British ‘Home Guard’ tasked with defending England from a possible German invasion in the midst of World War Two. An essentially English affair, Schwarzenegger and Stallone are both adamant that they will adopt convincing British accents and they are joined by other Hollywood big hitters Catherine Zeta Jones as a glamorous journalist and Mel Gibson who will dust off his Scottish accent to play the role of the fiery Scot, Frazer.

Director Oliver Parker told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Initially we were going to go with Michael Gambon and Tom Courtenay, both marvelous actors, but then Stallone got in touch and he revealed that he and Arnie were huge fans of the original show and wanted to take part. Once I saw The Expendables 3 I knew we could do it. Essentially with The Expendables franchise they were already making an American version of Dad’s Army, or Granddad’s Army perhaps! Ha ha! Actually don’t print that.

Dad’s Army is only the latest in a stream of Hollywood movies based on Brit Sit-Coms, the others being Tommy Lee Jones long gestating Are You Being Served? and a star studded ‘re-imagining’ of Last of the Summer Wine.

Dad’s Army will be released in 2016.
Image courtesy of @perspectivator.

EXPENDABLES 3 FLOPS BECAUSE ‘NOBODY WANTED TO SEE IT’

HOLLYWOOD – New Sylvester Stallone, Kelsey Grammer, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Jason Statham, Ronda Rousey, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Wesley Snipes film The Expendables 3 made not as many millions as expected because it is ‘kind of a geriatric vanity project that no one wanted to see.’

Although the first two Expendables films were commercially successful, the hits took the industry by surprise, with audiences responding to the nostalgic thrill of seeing superannuated muscle men from the eighties trying to knock each other silly. Sylvester Stallone decided to go for the trilogy:

I felt that if the first film made money and then the second film made more money, it was obvious to me that the third film would make even more money. I even added Han Solo and Braveheart to the cast, but if anything that seems to have been more of a problem. Luckily Wesley Snipes said he’s going to help us with our tax returns so that we can make more money.

Many industry observers have blamed the appearance of a pirated copy of the film on torrent sites which accidentally revealed how poor the film was before people had paid any money.

Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

Usually a rubbish film has the chance of snagging a bundle of money way before anyone realizes how awful it is. But with this pirated copy people were seeing it for free and then warning their friends not to see it. This kind of negative publicity is by far more damaging than the number of tickets unsold because people had already viewed the pirated copy.

Audiences were also put off by the presence of Jason Statham who no one likes.

The Expendables 3 is in cinemas now.

REMAKE WATCH: STALLONE ANNOUNCES WILD GEESE SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – Sylvester Stallone announced today that he was currently in talks to star in and direct sequels to The Wild Geese and The Wild Geese 2, British produced action films which followed the fortunes of a team of ageing mercenaries on dangerous missions in the Third World.

‘It’s going to be really easy,’ said Cobra as he likes to be known. ‘What we’re going to do is film a new title sequence and just append it to The Expendables and it’ll say The Wild Geese 3 and then to complete the quadrology will cut a new title sequence and put it in front of The Expendables 2 and that’ll will be The Wild Geese 4.’
Journalists expressed amazement that Mr Stallone had used the word ‘append’ and quizzed him about its meaning but he said, ‘That stuff about me being dumb is bull crap. I could buy you all and have you flown to China.’
The original Wild Geese featured the Richards Burton and Harris, the Roger Moore and Hardy Kreuger, would any of the old cast be joining the film?
‘I know Roger is definitely on for a cameo but Richard Burton and Richard Harris haven’t returned any of my calls or emails, which I have to say, I think is probably down to snobbery,’ said the Stop or My Mom Will Shoot star.

STALLONE CHARITY CONCERT TO BUY JCVD GARDEN FURNITURE

‘genuinely hate each other’

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight sees the first Garden Furniture Aid concert, organised by Slvester Stallone to buy his best friend Jean Claude Van Damme some garden furniture: ‘We’re thinking a Chinese swing and a portable barbecue,’ said the F.I.S.T. star.

The idea originated on the set of Expendables 2 when Arnold Schwarzenegger overheard a conversation in which JCVD was lamenting the price of garden furniture and saying that his patio looked ‘really bare’ and ‘was embarrassing’. Schwarzenegger thought little of it but he mentioned it to Bruce Willis and Hudson Hawk – as he prefers to be known – passed on the gossip to Jason Statham who found Sylvester Stallone cutting out the eyes of Kieth Urban pictures and distracted him with a slightly exaggerated version in which the Muscles from Brussels was on suicide watch because he didn’t have any garden furniture.
The event which starts at 7 pm at the Hollywood Bowl will feature musical performances from New Edition, Bruce Willis, Huey Lewis and the News, John Williams and the Boston Pops Orchestra, Miley Cyrus and Frankie Goes to Hollywood who have re-formed especially for the event.