FLUFFER’S 2014: PART ONE

In return for a bottle of gin and some previously unseen photos of Angela Lansbury, The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…

Jan 1st Some unusually good news to start the year: Kirk Douglas phoned to say that our long awaited remake of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane is back on! Saul Zaentz has said he’ll produce and Kirk’s daughter in law has promised to drop him off at the studio when she takes the kids to school.

Jan 3rd Saddened to hear that Saul Zaentz has passed away. I still remember when he fired me from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest! Jack Nicholson absolutely insisted that an American Indian play the Chief, and you have to admire his eye for detail.

Jan 27th Last day of filming on The Expendables 3. I don’t mind admitting that I had a bit of trouble keeping up with some of younger chaps on this shoot. Dear old Arnie does make me laugh: he’s insisting on playing the part with an Austrian accent! Sly says that if I’m still alive for part 4 he’ll make sure there’s a scene for me which is very sweet of him. His mother’s as ravishing as ever and still has all her own thighs.

Feb 1st Kirk phoned to say that Sid Caesar’s signed for Baby Jane. Haven’t seen him since I was dropped from Your Show of Shows. I still maintain that the words that I was alleged to have used were grossly misreported, and in my defence I didn’t even know that Mel Brooks was Jewish. Mel and I are great pals now of course, but try as I might I can’t persuade him to take Spaceballs to Broadway.

Feb 12th Sad to hear that Sid Caesar’s died. I think that I played him in that bio-pic of Julius Caesar that Billy Shakespeare did the screenplay for. Brando was in it and little Johnny Gielgud.  People used to rave about him, but I thought he mumbled terribly.

Feb 23rd Apparently my scenes have been cut from Dallas Buyers Club: I’m furious, I was on nothing but Slim Fast for a fortnight to get into that costume.

Jared Leto never forgave me for that unfortunate incident in the make up trailer, but in my defence it was quite dark in there.

SONY GREEN LIGHT THREE NEW KIM JONG-UN BIOPICS

HOLLYWOOD – Sony are rushing three biopics about the life of our glorious leader Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea, into production in the hope that this will appease the Guardians of Peace.

A spokesperson for Sony said that they had known nothing about The Interview and don’t even think it actually got made. She told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know Seth and James both toke the medical marijuana, so there’s a good chance they just smoked the budget and stayed in bed and then pretended to do the film. Those production stills look like Photoshop to me. Anyway that’s all bridge under the water now. What I want to talk about is how excited and thrilled we are to be making something that is finally going to give the world a more balanced view of Kim Jong-Un who, here at Sony, we revere kind of like a God.

So what films are in production?

We have Young Jong. This is going to be a co-production with Pixar and will feature the voice talent of Zac Efron as the Divine Leader when he was only a child. Here we’ll see how Jong was worshipped by his classmates and teachers and how he helped an old man fly a house with balloons.

That sounds like Up.

Yeah, we used some of the Up footage and out takes, but in this version the old man will largely be a passenger and it’s Jong-Un who does everything, as actually happened in real reality.

What else you got?

Next up we have Daniel Day Lewis in a new film directed by Steven Spielberg called Jong-Un. This is more a worthy historical biopic which will show Jong-Un in the crisis period of his life when his father was on the verge of death.

Will Daniel Day Lewis be employing his usual method technique to portray Jong-Un?

He already has been. You remember this year when no one had seen Jong-Un for a few months and then he came back but he was limping… well, I better not say anything else, but he was limping with his left foot, if you catch my drift.

Got it. And finally…?

And finally we have The Expendables 4. Kim Jong-Un has always been a big Sylvester Stallone fan and Stallone is making a new Expendables film but this time the ageing  mercenaries are called by a new charismatic leader to go to war with the evil empire of South Korea. Sylvester and Statham don’t have much to do in this film. They’re captured in the first act and it’s Kim Jong-Un who does all the fighting, killing literally millions and millions of people in an attempt to rescue them.

For more on  the Sony Hack READ HERE.