BREAKING NEWS – Bezo’s bookstore bankrupting company, Amazon have purchased the Mark Wahlberg Hallow app from the Catholic Church for an undisclosed sum. The Christian based app will now come as an additional perk for those who have Amazon Prime membership. Soon Prime subscribers will be able to pray online for Mark Wahlberg’s numerous racially aggravated assaults to be forgiven. We caught up with the hard hitting, hard praying star for his feelings on this acquisition.
How Do You Feel About the Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Being Bought By Amazon?
I’m so buzzed for it man, praise the lord. I’ve seen the light, and the color of that light is green. All the way to the bank baby, praise be. I want everyone to drop to their knees, like good god fearing, penitent consumers and download the mother fuck out that app. Then get praying for my forgiveness for those trivial little racially charged beatings I dished out. Only 99cents per pray. Can I get an amen?
Do You Not Feel Monetizing People’s Faith Is Cynical?
The Vatican literally has a bank, you dumb mother fucker. If the church just gave up all its wealth to help the poor, needy and starving, what would happen to the holy bankers? What would happen to the ordained actuaries and the reverend risk managers? I think you’ve been hitting the blood of Christ a bit hard. You know what I’m saying?
Do You Ever Think This Might Harm Your Acting Career?
Let’s face facts man. I was in a Martin Scorsese Best Picture Oscar winner with The Departed. I told Martin Sheen, Leonardo DiCaprio AND Matt Damon to go fuck themselves. And you know what, I was ok in it. It aint ever gonna get better than that. I know what I am and I know I peaked back then. And I peaked the fuck out of it baby. So I’ll make this slushy religious garbage because those suckers can’t invest their god-given money quick enough.
The Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Is Available To Download
HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Moon.
Departed and Revenant star Leonardo DiCaprio bought the Moon yesterday.
In a statement issued by DiCaprio’s agent, the actor declared the following:
As a lifelong conservationist, I have watched with despair as the natural beauties of our planet have been despoiled by corporations and individuals. The new Trump administration is only the latest in a long line of politicians who have preferred to put short term political goals before the survival of other species and the eco-system.
As a consequence, I have decided to buy the Moon. I have sole property rights now and will be going there to live in the next decade or so. And no one else is going to be invited. You can all fuck off. I’m going to have a moon base and a very powerful telescope so I can watch the rest of you assholes drowning in the rising oceans, or fighting bloody wars over shrinking resources. I might let Jim Cameron visit. He says he wants to visit the Sea of Tranquility. The asshole thinks it’s an actual sea.
God, he’s dumb.
NASA have said that they sold DiCaprio the Moon last Tuesday by accident, when one of their employees put it on eBay.
Leonardo DiCaprio will next appear in Space 1999: The Motion Picture.
NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese is to sell his special Leonardo diCaprio whistle at auction later this week.
Shutter Island and Wolf of Wall Street director Martin Scorsese is to sell the magical Leonardo diCaprio whistle at auction.
Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, earlier this week, the Color of Money director and wearer of the best eyebrows in New York had this to say:
The magic Leonardo diCaprio whistle was forged in the fires of a volcano and when blown can only be heard by Leo. Whatever he is doing he must drop and immediately come at the magical summons. I first used it to get him to come to the casting of Gangs of New York and then after that, whenever I wanted to put him in another film I’d just take the whistle out and blow as hard as I could. Admittedly it took him a while to respond when I wanted him to do the Aviator. But ultimately it doesn’t matter what he wants. The whistle commands.
So why give it up?
I’ve used it a good few times and the magic begins to wear off if you abuse it.
It is understood that the bidders will include Ridley Scott, Steven Soderbergh, Goldie Hawn and David Fincher as well as former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.
The auction will take place at Christies New York.
REVIEW – BLACK MASS – Is Johnny Depp’s return to form as James ‘Whitey’ Bulger in Scott Cooper’s Boston set gangster pic, actually true?
There is no doubt that Johnny Depp is beginning to tire of visiting children’s hospitals dressed as Jack Sparrow. Maybe he’s also fed up of having to sit in Tim Burton’s make up chair for seven hours every day to recreate some fantastical personage that ends up always looking like Johnny Depp with tons of make up. He might even have started watching his own movies, something he denied doing and then made Dark Shadows to show the reason why.
However, Scott Cooper’s “Black Mass” is not quite the masterpiece, to be ranked with the best of Martin Scorsese, that it obviously sets out to be. The fact that the nearest Scorsese film it resembles is the messy minor work The Departed – also set in Boston, also featuring a corrupt law enforcement officer – is perhaps a warning sign. And yet The Departed was a noisily entertaining lump of grunge with a wonderfully over the top Jack Nicholson performance, full of grand Guignol verve. Black Mass is altogether more respectable. It’s a polished piece of film that tastefully harks back to the seventies. It’s layered narrative feels like an after thought and its script has a tendency to lead the audience by the nostrils, but it isn’t dull. It’s good TV. Not great TV. Good TV.
James Whitey Bulger (Depp) is a small time hood, being squeezed by the Italian mafia but when John Connolly (Joel Edgerton) comes back to South Boston after landing a job in the FBI he brokers a deal whereby in return for the Italians, the FBI will turn a blind eye to, if not facilitate Bulger’s rise in the crime world. Bulger himself is a weird Vampiric creature who is closer to the Madhatter than he is to Donnie Brasco. This is a huge problem with the film. You don’t see a character. You see contact lenses and a weird swimming cap bald piece. Just once I’d love Johnny Depp to be in a film in which he wasn’t review as ‘unrecognizable’. He is given lots of great scenes – the family recipe one feels like an instant classic – but this is also the problem: lots of great scenes does not a story, nor a character make. And many of the scenes appear to be at the service of Depp, showing how threatening etc he is. But it is a one note performance. A scene with his wife (Dakota Johnson) is so underwritten on her part that it feels like the two of them have never met let alone had a child together. Edgerton actually has the more interesting role and he pulls it off, amazingly, while still looking like Joel Edgerton!
HOLLYWOOD – The most popular Eighties cop show Steven Bochco’s Hill Street Blues is finally getting a film version, courtesy of Martin Scorsese.
The new film version will star Robert de Niro as Captain Frank Furillo, Daniel Day Lewis as Captain Belker and Catherine Zeta Jones as Joyce Davenport. Leonardo di Caprio will play Lt. Howard Hunter. Scorsese spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
For years I’ve been trying to make an epic of police vs. criminals film and I’ve done my best with Mean Streets, Goodfellas and Casino, but I’ve never really got there. I mean if you look at my career, you would have to say it is a complete and utter failure. The Hill Street Blues was always my inspiration. And now I have the chance to really do a proper thing and not that shitness which was Boardwalk Empire.
The story – set in West Chica-Brooklyn-go, LA – features a whole sequences of crime stories and private lives that will be intertwined and resolved in the space of 90 minutes.The story features an undercover operation that has gone wrong and will basically be The Departed but with a retro feel and a whole plethora of English actors will use their best generic American accents.
Hill Street Blues: Let’s Do it to Them Before They Do it to Us will be released in 2016.
NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese’s new film The Wolf of Wall Street has caused huge controversy partly for it’s use of the phrase ‘cerebral palsy’, partly for its explicit scenes of sex and drug use, but mostly because the film does not feature ‘an actual wolf’.
‘I went to see a film about a wolf, possibly killing people in the financial capital of our country, perhaps not, but a wolf,’ said theater-goer Blan Haverstock. ‘And what do I get? Some bullshit about Leo DiCarpio.’
The New Yorker review of the movie had as its headline ‘Crying Wolf?’
However, Scorsese defended himself from his critics:
Usually, I am scrupulous with my titles, making sure they advertise exactly what happens in the movie. But sometimes I use a slightly more oblique approach. So no, there isn’t a wolf in Wall Street. Not as in the actual animal. It’s a metaphor or an analogy, or a simile. It’s one of those.
To help the confused here is a brief guide to the veracity of Martin Scorsese’s movie titles.
- Mean Streets: The streets are quite mean.
Veracity score 8/10
- Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More: Alice does move but where is here?
Veracity score 7/10
- Taxi Driver: It is about a taxi driver.
Veracity score 10/10
- Raging Bull: There’s no bull, just a boxer
Veracity score 2/10
- The King of Comedy: He isn’t funny
Veracity score 1/10
- Goodfellas: They’re actually Bad Fellas
Veracity score 1/10
- Casino: It is set in a Casino
Veracity score 10/10
- Kundun: Haven’t got a clue
Veracity score ?/10
- The Aviator: Partially true, he’s also a nut plank
Veracity score 4/10
- The Departed: No one leaves for anywhere
Veracity score 3/10
- Shutter Island: Set on Shutter Island
Veracity score 10/10
- The Wolf of Wall Street: No wolf confirmed (though there is a monkey) but no wolf
Veracity score 2/10.
The Wolf of Wall Street is in Theaters.