CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WON’T DIRECT JENGA

HOLLYWOOD – The next film by Christopher Nolan will not be Jenga, despite an announcement earlier this week.

It looks like Jenga won’t be the next film Christopher Nolan directs. ‘It’s very sad,’ says brother and screenwriter Jonathan. ‘Everything seemed to be in place. I was working on the script, the money looked good. Our sisters were going to do the soundtrack and Liam Neeson was on speed dial. But then we were adjusting one little piece – I think it was hiring the gaffer – and the whole thing came crashing down around our ears and onto the kitchen floor.’

It had seemed like the perfect fit for Nolan, whose interest in puzzles and mazes is now legendary.

‘It’s multi-layered with lots of different levels; like some kind of vertical jigsaw,’ Nolan stated when news of the project first broke.

A close source to the director said that he was in his room ‘weeping bitterly’ and refusing to come out.

Hasbro, who own the rights to the game, have hurriedly suggested any number of other possibilities but rival company Mattel is also offering Ker-Plunk! as a possible alternative. But Nolan is keeping quiet about what his next project might be. 

Buckaroo is in theaters.

IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec answers the age old question: is Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan the new Stanley Kubrick?

As part of a new series of short answers to long questions, the Studio Exec faces the poser is Christopher Nolan director of Memento, Inception, Interstellar, the Dark Knight trilogy and Dunkirk the new Stanley Kubrick? Continue reading “IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?”

DUNKIRK TO BE CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’S FIRST COMEDY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan has promised that Dunkirk will be his first all out comedy.

The Dark Knight and Inception director Christopher Nolan has promised that his next film Dunkirk will be his first all out comedy. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, he had this to say:

I know people are going to say, wait a minute, Inception was hilarious. And I know it was. But it wasn’t meant to be. And so that doesn’t really count. I’m more associated with darker material and it can become a trap. So I’m looking forward to everyone getting to see Dunkirk and seeing the comedy romp and a totally different side of my personality.

But Dunkirk is a war film. Surely that’s a serious topic?

Yes and no. When I say knockabout comedy I actually mean quite dark and dour. And when I say zany bucket of laugh bubbles, I really mean people dying and everything being quite grim.

So not a comedy?

Harry Styles from One Direction is in it.

Is he funny?

No.

Dunkirk will be released in the Summer of 2017.

HIDDEN GEMS: 17. THE DARK KNIGHT

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week The Dark Knight. You’re welcome.

I’ll never forget the day Chris Nolan came into my office and said to me ‘Exec!’ he was informal like that ‘Exec! I’ve got an idea for a movie: the Dark Knight’. Of course, I thought it was going to be a historical epic. King Arthur perhaps. Or Ivanhoe. Still the kid was hot and floppy blond hair and an adorable British accent so I said okay and validated his parking. It wasn’t until a year later that I saw the finished product. The Dark Knight made no sense. ‘Where’s Batman’s origin story?’ I asked. ‘There’s a gaping hole where his parent’s funeral should be.’ ‘But we covered that in Batman Begins,’ Chris countered but I cut him off. ‘I want facts, not excuses.’ The film was dark and exciting. The action sequences were terrific and the pace kept on going. Even without the funeral, there was a chance we might make it.

However, audiences rejected it wholesale and it sank without a trace. With all the postmortems, it became clear that there was one major component that simply hadn’t worked. The villain of the piece was called the Joker, played by a young Australian actor Heath Ledger, but he was hopeless. I don’t want to sat it was his fault – the script gave him nothing – but the fact was he was not funny. A joker who doesn’t tell jokes? I mean screenwriting 101 guys. Maybe it also lagged a bit at the end and the part when Batman lies to protect Harvey Dent’s reputation made zero sense.

The film tanked and unfortunately so did Ledger’s career. At least, I haven’t seen him in anything recently. Nolan went back to England with his tail between his legs and is now directing the odd episode of Coronation Street – a soap opera set in Manchester, UK. If you can find a copy of the Dark Knight it still holds an odd ball charm and will make you wonder what the same material would have been like in the hands of someone a little more competent. A Zack Snyder perhaps.

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

CHRISTIAN BALE BUILDS SECRET MOUSE ARMY

HOLLYWOOD – You know him as the star of such movies as The Big Short, The Knight of Cups and Exodus: Gods and Kings, but Christian Bale has also spent the last five years building up a secret mouse army, it was revealed today.

Christian Bale, star of Rescue Dawn, The Dark Knight and American Psycho, popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to explain revelations that broke about his 15,000 strong mouse army mustered in a secret location somewhere in Colorado.

I’ve always been fascinated by rodents in general and the possible military application an organised horde of cheese nibblers could have. Imagine if you will the desert in Syria. The terrorists are just breaking for lunch and in the distance they hear this thundering. The ground begins to tremble. But it isn’t in the distance, it’s actually really close and over the dunes arrive 15,000 mice, led by me in a chariot. I would be in my famous Berserker mode, probably quite thin for this one. And we’d just cut them to pieces.

But surely…

I thought of that. I tie tiny little razor blades to the ankles of the mice and so when they just run straight through the ISIS people it’s just blood spurt and arterial spray everywhere. The squeaking of the mice will be deafening along with the screams of dying Jihadists.

Where did you even come up with such a scheme?

Werner Herzog.

Oh that makes sense.

We are already in talks with the US military about our deployment and I would remind them that they said no boots on the ground. They didn’t say anything about tiny mice feet.

The Big Short is on general release. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 29. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – Dropping in on the Studio Exec’s EXCLUSIVE breakfast nook, master manipulator and filmmaker Christopher Nolan dished the dirt on his new movie project Dunkirk as he made intricate Escher constructions of his Belgian waffles.

Christopher Nolan is famous for his carefully constructed puzzle like movies from Memento to Interstellar, his Dark Knight trilogy to the dream espionage of Inception but sitting in our favorite Denny’s 5751 Sunset Blvd I see the child I knew all those years ago who I watched one Christmas complete a 750 piece jigsaw in less than thirty seconds. He was four at the time.

So Chris, you have just announced your new project. Dunkirk. What attracts you about this story?

Initially, we were locked to make the Jenga movie (Click Here for that story) but I’m sorry to say it fell through at the last minute.

Ha!

What?

Nothing.

So then I was looking around for another subject. I was attracted by the idea of doing something totally different. I’d done thriller, Science Fiction, Film Noir and comic book so I wanted to tackle something I’d never done before. At first I was working on a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me with Jonathan [Nolan], but with Creed and Southpaw it occurred to me that there were too many boxing musicals around. So then we thought, I’ve never done a war film and the idea of Dunkirk came up in conversations.

The sounds great. Epic. 

What I like about it is that many celebrated moments in British history are about failures. The Titanic sinks, the charge of the Light Brigade was a dumb massacre, Scott loses the race to the South Pole and dies coming back, Mallory and Irvine die on Everest. Dunkirk is essentially heroic, but it is a heroic retreat. A heroic defeat perhaps.

I see. And it sounds like a more straightforward proposition as a narrative.

You would think it would be but actually the story Jonathan and I are working on might end up being strangely ambiguous. We posit the idea that this turning point in the Second World War might actually all have been an elaborate bluff by the Germans that went wrong.

Go on.

The high command of the Wehrmacht want the British to get to their boats but only so they could be destroyed. However, a crack unit of British dream commandos, led by Tom Hardy and tutored by Michael Caine, go into the sub-conscious of the German pilots and force them to think of the fleeing British as pretty flowers that are too beautiful to pick. The whole film is told backwards and there is also a great story that emerges that actually Adolf Hitler was working for the British but in the deepest imaginable cover.

That’s very controversial. 

He’s not the hero we want. He’s the hero we need.

But he killed millions.

Deep, deep cover.

Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk will be released in 2017. For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

DENNIS QUAID SUED BY CHRISTIAN BALE

HOLLYWOOD- Dennis Quaid is being sued by Christian Bale for plagiarism, it emerged yesterday.

The legal action came after an online video leaked of Dennis Quaid ‘losing his shit’ while filming on set. The star is apparently irked by an interruption and starts yelling and roaring about the ‘dopey dick’ whispering in the ear of the director while Quaid is trying to ‘say his line’, which is technical actor’s jargon for saying something. Voices in the Christian Bale camp say that the Dark Knight actor was incensed when he saw the video. One report said that:

Bale was furious. He was watching the video on a laptop and he started screaming: ‘Are you f*cking kidding me? Oh yeah well, f*ck you! F*CK YOU! YOU ARE NOT YOUR F*CKING BROTHER! F*ck this bullshit. THAT’S ME, you’re doing exactly the same f*cking thing I did!’

News that there is a video of Christian Bale flipping out at Dennis Quaid flipping out looks like a definite possibility.

Bale’s legal team have lodged their complaint for intellectual copyright infringement claiming that:

Mr. Bale’s public persona is part of his brand and affects directly his commercial standing in the entertainment business. His famous temper is an original creation, as is his reputation for difficultness and moodiness. Mr. Quaid’s behavior is an obvious copy-catting which in the litigants opinion constitutes theft.

Jimmy Kimmel was not available for comment.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED FOR HAVING ‘A CRUEL FACE’

HOLLYWOOD – Christian Bale was arrested in the early hours of this morning and charged with being in possession of a cruel face, according to officers of the LAPD.

He was apprehended while walking alone in the vicinity of the hotel where he was allegedly staying. An LAPD statement read:

A 39 year old Caucasian male was stopped by officers at approximately 2 AM Monday morning. When questioned the man replied politely that he ‘was taking the air’, but the officers on closer inspection decided that the man was in possession of a ‘cruel face, that looked like it would be scary to wake up beside.’

Various law enforcement agencies have begun to clamp down on  dead eyed expressions and people with sardonic smiles, as well as the usual suspects: ‘eyes too close together’, ‘face I want to slap’ and ‘looking funny’. It is believed Christian Bale fell into cruel face category. Face expert Jonty Piers said:

Bale looks like the kind of man who makes love in silence, emitting the occasional thin giggle. He probably watches It’s a Wonderful Life dry-eyed from start to finish. I’m not saying he’s a cruel man. I’m just saying his face looks like it belongs to a cruel man. 

Christian Bale will most likely get let off with caution, although if he is charged, then fully expect a Bale Bailed headline in the next few hours. 

American Hustle and Out of the Furnace both feature Christian Bale’s cruel face.

MAN OF STEEL LAWSUIT ISSUED

HOLLYWOOD – A lawsuit has been issued against ‘director’ Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan to immediately cease and desist promotion of the movie/film/cinematic product Man of Steel, a trailer for which has recently been released and which is due to hit screens on June the 14th, 2013.

The lawsuit was issued for copyright breach and plagiarism and was issued in the name of DC Comics by Mr. Arron Sucklenet.

‘I’ve been keeping my eye on this Man of Steel malarkey, the posters and all,’ said Sucklenet. ‘With everything I saw, my suspicions grew, but once I saw the trailer, the second one that is not the one Terrence Malick directed, the second one, I knew I had to act. Man of Steel is just a cheap rip off of Superman. There’s the badge, the costume – stuff with the school bus? fuck that, I don’t know what that’s about – but then there’s even the Fortress of Solitude.’

Mr Sucklenet has previously sued Christopher Nolan on behalf of the Bob Kane estate when he claimed The Dark Knight was actually a Batman film! The case was settled out of court and many were expecting Sucklenet to reappear when The Dark Knight Rises was released, but he said: ‘That was obviously not Batman. I mean, seriously.’


With Man of Steel, Sucklenet claims to have an unanswerable case: ‘They’ve tried to throw stuff in to cover their tracks. Noah turns up for instance which is not in the original comic book, but I think even a child could see Man of Steel is Superman.’


Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan were both washing their hair and thus unable to comment.

STAR WARS STANDALONE: THE DARTH KNIGHT

















HOLLYWOOD – Yet more scorching rumors from the Star Wars standalone dream factory.

Christopher Nolan has confirmed he is working with his brother Jonathan on The Darth Knight which he describes as a “Potentially cataclysmic collision between the Batman and Star Wars Universes”.

“We just don’t know what will happen,” said a worried Nolan.


The fear is that if these two universes collide they will create a black hole and all matter will be sucked in, destroying the planet and reality as we know it. On the other hand the potential is there to make several billion dollars so the physicists at CERN are currently using the Hadron Collider to simulate the event. If they come back and say there is no risk of us causing the apocalypse we’ll start pre-production next year. If they say there is a risk, well, chances are the studio will just hire some different scientists to tell them what they want to hear. But hey, that’s showbiz baby!


We asked Nolan if The Darth Knight script was ready to go.

It’s not complete but we’ve got an outline . Basically with Batman retired Gotham is left without a hero. Darth Vader’s Tie-Fighter crash lands into Wayne manor, he finds the cave and decides to use his equipment to take over Gotham but when the Joker is released from Arkham and inadvertently kills the waitress Darth has the hots for; he decides to become Gotham’s saviour and it all ends with an epic lightsaber battle between Vader and The Joker.


Well there you have it. Two epic sagas in one so prepare yourselves for the avalanche of frothing fan boys soiling their boxer shorts and muddying the message boards. 

The Darth Knight will be released in 2015.

BALE BAILED

MIAMI – Christian Bale is once more a free man as he paid a $10,000 bail and had to put up with a number of strained puns from presiding judge, Justice R. Peters. However, the Rescue Dawn superstar is not completely out of the woods as more accusations were made today.
 Morgan Freeman – Bale’s co-star in the Dark Knight Trilogy – also accused the British born actor of having borrowed several box sets including the entire West Wing and the first two Six Feet Under seasons.

‘He also has my last season of Lost,’ said the Shawshanker (as Mr. Morgan prefers to be known). ‘But he can keep that.’

Mr. Bale’s trial is set to go ahead early next year and if found guilty, he could face the controversial ‘limb-utation’, which has only recently been assigned as a punishment to DVD Box Set Borrowing infringements.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED

MIAMI – Christian Bale was arrested at a hotel suite in Miami, Florida in the early hours of this morning following a 911 call from a man identifying himself as Michael Keaton. A spokesman for the Miami PD in a statement issued shortly after 6 AM said ‘A young Caucasian adult male who has played Batman and is not Michael Keaton, or Adam West, was arrested at his hotel room at 4.13 this morning and charged with illegal possession of property.’
The possessions that were confiscated are thought to be a box set of Season 2 of The Wire which Christian Bale is believed to have borrowed from Mr. Keaton last Christmas and has not, as yet ‘got round  to watching, though I’ve heard some really good things about it,’ as he told Rolling Stone in May. Mr. Keaton befriended Mr. Bale following his casting as Batman:

Christian called me up and asked if I had the second season of The Wire, as he’d just finished the first and was really hooked. I said sure, but I knew what he was really saying to me was come and give me advice, I want to sit at the feet of the master. The Batman.

Some have accused Mr Keaton of resenting Bale’s success in the role and entrapping him. Catherine Zeta Jones screamed at reporters: ‘That Beetlejuice asshole has always had it in for Christian.’ Some have even claimed that Mr Bale was lured to Florida, innocent of that State’s draconian DVD box set laws, which were recently buttressed with a provision allowing for chemical ‘limb-utation’ for anyone keeping a HBO series for more than two months.